Page 7

SEVEN

Rowan

I leave the restaurant almost as soon as I’m done eating, and Bristol and I walk back to the hotel.

“You okay?” she asks as we walk. “You were quieter than usual after that whole thing with Blake.”

“It took me a long time to get over him,” I say in frustration. “I’ve finally gotten to a place in life where I don’t think about him for weeks at a time, and now, here he is, not just working and traveling with me, but continually trying to be…friendly! What the fuck? Why is this happening?”

She chuckles. “Sometimes fate can be a real asshole.”

“Tell me about it.”

“The only thing I can say is that I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. I’m not just saying that. There is a reason Blake is back in your life. Maybe it’s to show you that you’ve truly moved on. Maybe it’s to show you that you haven’t. Maybe it’s something else. But he’s here and your options are to continue feeling weird around him, or to bury the hatchet and move on. Because no matter what you say, you haven’t. You seem to get annoyed every time you cross paths and that doesn’t happen unless you have feelings for someone.”

“I don’t have feelings for him!” I protest.

She shrugs, stuffing her hands in her pockets. “Oh, you have feelings, it’s just a matter of figuring out what they are. Love, hate, confusion, questions… Are there unresolved issues? You don’t have to tell me, but you need to think about it because you have to focus on your job, not on him.”

She has a point, as much as I hate to admit it.

“There probably are some questions and unresolved feelings,” I say after a moment. “We broke up but it was a light break-up… like a break. He went off to college and I wound up staying home, but we were going to talk when he came back for Christmas. Then I went up for a weekend to surprise him and… well, I caught him with another girl. Two of them.”

“So technically he didn’t cheat. You were on a break.”

“Yeah, but I was still so desperately in love with him. I can’t tell you how much it hurt.”

“I can imagine. But he didn’t cheat .”

“I guess not, but that’s one of those things that’s never been resolved. We didn’t talk about it. We literally never spoke again. I was a huge drama queen, made a scene at the party and dumped a drink on his head before I left. And we never talked again until he showed up in Anchorage.”

“Definitely issues to resolve.”

“I was bullied in middle school, and it was starting again in high school. Then I met Blake and everything changed. I became one of the cool kids because I was dating the captain of the hockey team. For a long time, all the mean girls whispered that he was going to dump me, because he was way out of my league. And one of the girls I caught him with that first semester of college was one of my tormentors in high school.”

“Jesus. Teenage boys are the worst . And I think he needs to acknowledge how shitty he was. For closure, if nothing else.”

“But what do I say? I mean, hey, you broke my heart ten years ago and sometimes it still really hurts?”

“Why not? What’s the worst thing that can happen? You clear the air? Maybe he apologizes? You get a few things off your chest? I’m still friends with my high school boyfriend. There’s no reason you can’t be friends.”

Isn’t there?

Is there any universe where Blake and I are actually…friends?

It feels impossible, but it shouldn’t be.

We’re adults, for heaven’s sake.

And maybe she’s right. A heart-to-heart conversation might make me feel better.

About a lot of things.

We walk the rest of the way in silence, and I smile over at her when we get on the elevator.

“Thanks for giving me something to think about.”

“No problem. Have a good night.”

She gets off on the floor before mine and I continue up to my room lost in thought.

I need ice, because my shoulder has been sore from all the extra work I’ve been doing, and then maybe I’ll knock on Blake’s door.

I go to my room, grab the ice bucket and head down the hall to fill it.

I’m just on my way back when I see him.

Standing in front of my door, about to knock.

“Hey,” I call out, my heart rate kicking up just a little.

“Hi.” He cocks his head. “You get ice every night? You okay?”

“I’m not used to being the sole care provider for an entire hockey team,” I say. “I’m a little sore. Nothing major.”

“Don’t overdo it,” he warns.

“I won’t.” I pause as I get out my room key. “Did you, uh, need something?”

“Yeah… I wanted to apologize for what happened at dinner. And I was wondering if we could talk.”

My gaze lifts to his.

And I hesitate.

Because I need this. Want it.

I’m just not sure if the outcome will be what I’m hoping for. Mostly because I don’t know what I’m hoping for.

“I was thinking the same thing. Come on in.” I open the door and walk in ahead of him.

He sinks into a chair by the desk while I grab a latex glove from my duffel, fill it with ice, and put it to my shoulder. Then I kick off my shoes and sit on the edge of the bed.

“You want to go first?”

He smiles. “Sure. I just want to reiterate that I’m serious about that thing at dinner. Bodi and I live together. We’ve been friends a long time. He knows our history, and he said something about it to a couple of the guys. Just busting my chops, the way good friends do, he wasn’t being inappropriate. Or, you know, not much.” He studies my face. “Anyway, I told him and the other guys to knock it off, that it was ancient history, and I thought that was the end of it.”

“But someone couldn’t resist gossiping, and I guess Donnie heard about it.” I wave a hand. “I was annoyed at first, but it is ancient history.” I pause. “Right?”

“I’d like to think we’ve moved on, but the truth is, we were each other’s first everything. I don’t think it’s that easy to forget your first.”

“Like I told you before, I haven’t forgotten anything. But I’ve certainly moved on with my life. Just as I’m sure you have.”

“Of course.” He meets my gaze. “But if I’m honest, I’ve always felt a little bad about the way things went down. I never would have flaunted what I was doing in your face like that. I wouldn’t have done that if I’d known you were coming…”

“I wanted to surprise you,” I murmur. “Thinking maybe you missed me as much as I missed you, that we didn’t need a break. But I wound up being the one surprised.”

“I know. And I’m genuinely sorry for that.”

“We were on a break,” I say after a moment, “but I guess I didn’t think you were already sleeping around. Especially not with Christy Lorne .”

He grimaces.

“I was eighteen,” he says after a moment. “I didn’t even remember that you had history with her. Until I saw the look on your face. Hockey and partying and sex were all I was thinking about.”

“That’s kind of what I don’t understand,” I admit. “We had tons of sex. All the time. Wasn’t that enough? Wasn’t I enough?” I know how insecure and vulnerable I sound, but if we’re going to have this conversation, I might as well go for broke and get answers to all the questions that have plagued me over the years.

“Oh, hell, babe, you were more than enough, but I was an immature asshole who was sure there was something better out there. Maybe not in a girlfriend, but in bed. I had to find out. It had nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do. That’s part of why I wanted us to take a break, so I could figure shit out. It wasn’t the best way to go about it, but that was my teenage mindset.”

He looks incredibly sincere, effectively letting the wind out of my sails.

I’d been young too.

And clingy.

Insecure.

Desperate to keep him close to me.

We’d both made mistakes.

“I wasn’t blameless,” I say thoughtfully. “I was so afraid of losing you, so afraid that all those girls in school were right that you were too good for me, I was probably a pain in the ass.”

“No.” He shakes his head. “I loved you. I just needed time to grow up. And I hated hurting you. But I desperately needed to find myself, figure out what else there was. I don’t just mean women either. Life. Hockey. College. I felt smothered, and under so much pressure, but it wasn’t about anything you did wrong. I hope you know that.”

I shake my head. “I do now. I mean, I think I always knew I was going to lose you to hockey, so I tried my best to hang on. I should have given you space and taken time to find myself too. But I guess we both got there, even if we did it the hard way.”

He gives me a wry grin. “Neither of us ever did anything the easy way.”

“No, we didn’t.”

We look at each other for a long moment, and I’m suddenly sixteen again.

Completely enamored with those incredible blue eyes.

Infatuated with everything he said and did.

Totally in love.

My heart stutters with that same excitement, same chemistry, same everything.

And for one crazy minute I would do anything for him to touch me.

Then the insanity passes and I realize it’s nothing but a teenage fantasy.

“What were you thinking just now?” he asks, his eyes boring into mine.

“Nothing. I was just remembering.”

“How much fun we had?”

“How great senior year was.”

“Prom.” His eyes glitter with amusement.

“You mean when you promised that no matter what happened, if we were still single at thirty, we’d get married?”

He throws his head back and laughs. “Yeah. That and the best blow job of my life.”

For some reason, I blush.

“You’ve probably had way better since then.”

He shakes his head. “Nope. That was the pinnacle of all blow jobs.”

“Seriously?” I’m not sure if I want to tell him how inappropriate this conversation is or ask him why.

“Well, yeah. It was prom. We were in love. The back of a limo. The ice cube. It was fucking amazing. What could be better?”

I swallow.

That’s a great memory, one I relish as well, even though I’ve tried to put it out of my mind dozens of times.

“Why do you look so uncomfortable?” he asks. “I’m still me, you’re still you. We were friends, then we fell in love like only teenagers can…can’t we find a new way to be friends now that we’re adults?”

“I’d like that,” I whisper. “I just don’t know if it’s possible.”

“Can we try?”

It takes a long time for me to make up my mind, but finally I do.

And I nod. “Yes. We can try.”

Even though it might kill me.