Page 33

THIRTY-THREE

Rowan

It’s been two days since we lost game seven to the Sidewinders, and yesterday the guys all cleaned out their lockers. I opted to take the day off, saying I had some personal things to take care of. Instead, I’m here today, cleaning up for summer and packing up my office.

Dad and I are planning to go hiking in Vancouver in July, and one of my friends from college is coming out to spend a week in June, so the summer will go by relatively quickly. I’ll spend some time at home in Minnesota with Dad, but I haven’t decided when yet. Mostly, I want to decompress and process what happened between Blake and me.

I’m disappointed that the Phantoms lost, but it really doesn’t impact me too much. My job is secure and my paycheck is the same, though HR did reach out to say there would be bonuses for all support staff, which is nice. Harper has been incredibly generous this season—our Christmas bonus was epic—so I’m excited to be getting extra money I can use for fun.

Most of it will go in savings, but I try to take twenty percent to blow on non-essential things. It might be time for a new designer bag. I don’t do my nails or wear a lot of makeup, but I enjoy expensive purses, so I’ll most likely indulge in something along those lines.

It won’t make me stop missing Blake but it’s the first step toward healing.

Well, that’s what I’m telling myself but I have no idea how I’m going to get over him. So far, I’ve cried myself to sleep every night. We had almost four years as teenagers and then one month as adults, and it feels like nothing will ever be the same. I can’t explain it, but the loss is so much more poignant than I thought it would be.

It took everything I had not to throw my arms around him when the Sidewinders scored in game seven. He looked… defeated. Not just by the Sidewinders, but by life, and I can’t figure out why. I can’t imagine Coach Vanek won’t bring him on to the Phantoms. He had the most points in the playoffs, one more than Canyon Marks, who makes around eight million a year. Canyon is the superstar Harper brought in to lead this team to victory, yet in the playoffs it was Blake who shone the brightest.

As angry and hurt as I am, I know he’s made the team.

Which is why the breakup was the right thing to do.

We can’t be together if he’s here, so there really was no point in coming up with a plan. He deserves his hockey pot of gold, just like I deserve mine. Unfortunately, we can’t have our careers and each other.

And I can’t be with a guy who keeps things from me.

It just doesn’t work for me.

“Rowan. There you are.” I turn at the sound of Gene’s voice.

“Gene!” I reach out and hug him. “Hi! What are you doing here?”

“We wanted to talk to you together.” I didn’t notice Harper until she spoke.

“Oh. Hello.” I suddenly get a bad feeling in my gut.

“I’ve decided to come back,” Gene says quietly. “For maybe two or three years, tops. I’m just not ready to retire, Rowan. I hope you understand.”

I can’t think of anything to say.

I’m not mad—I love working with him—but it’s just another disappointment in a week of disappointments.

“But I don’t want you to think this is a reflection of the job you did,” Harper adds quickly. “You were amazing in the playoffs. The guys couldn’t have done it without you. And you were a great mentor to Sunny.”

“Oh. Uh, thank you.” There’s a scratchiness behind my eyes that I can’t explain.

Fuck.

I absolutely cannot cry.

Not now.

“And when Gene decides he’s done, I want you to know the head trainer position will be yours,” Harper continues.

“Y-yes, of course.” My voice cracks a little and I blink rapidly, trying to keep the tears at bay.

But the damn things betray me.

“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry.” Gene looks crestfallen as he reaches for my arm.

“Please.” I manage to swipe at my tears. “Forgive me. This is so unprofessional. I’m not upset about…the job. Really.” I sniffle and then fumble for a tissue from the box on my desk. “I just… I’ve got something personal happening. I’m sorry. I’m really glad you’re coming back, Gene.”

And yet, I’m still crying.

I’m such an idiot.

Harper murmurs something to Gene, and he nods.

“I’ll, uh, go say hello to Coach.” He disappears, and I close my eyes, totally humiliated.

“Do you want to talk?” Harper asks quietly, perching on the edge of my desk.

“N-no.” I shake my head but then burst into tears.

Great.

If she wasn’t going to fire me before, she probably will now.

“We’re a family here,” she says. “If something is going on, maybe I can help.”

“No… I don’t… think so.”

I hiccough and dab at my eyes.

“Which guy on the team is it?” she asks softly.

It takes a few seconds for her question to penetrate.

Oh, shit.

She knows.

“I…”

“It’s all right, Rowan. Talk to me. Maybe I can help. Did he break things off after the loss? I know guys have weird reactions after that kind of thing.”

Why isn’t she freaking out about the no fraternization clause?

I’m so confused.

“It’s Blake,” she says after a moment. “Right? You guys dated in high school and when he got called up you rekindled things?”

I nod miserably. “Please don’t fire me,” I whisper. “Please. I’m so sorry I broke the rules but it just happened. But it’s over now anyway, and I promise it’ll never happen again. I just?—”

“What do you mean, you broke the rules?” She looks genuinely confused.

“The, um, the no fraternization clause. In my contract.”

“The no…” She cocks her head. “I thought that was taken out? I told them I didn’t think it was fair, especially considering I’m married to our starting goalie. The clause was supposed to be changed to say that any relationship has to be disclosed to HR within thirty days.”

“I… what?” Now I’m confused. “My contract is very clear—no fraternization with anyone, including players, coaches, and support staff.”

“Oh, shit .” She looks appalled. “Is that why you broke up?”

“No.” I shake my head miserably. “He lied to me.”

“About?” She waits patiently, as if she has all the time in the world.

“There’s interest from the team in Boston, and he never told me.”

“There’s interest… he’s entertaining offers from other teams?”

Despite how heartbroken I am, I still feel the need to defend him.

“He doesn’t have a two-way contract, and whenever he’s been called up in the past, he’s sent right back down. He has no job security here, so yeah, if there’s a chance to play in Boston, he’s going to take it.”

The look on her face is inscrutable as she stares at me.

I stare back defiantly, feeling a little more secure now that she’s said the clause is a mistake.

“I’m going to talk to legal,” she says after a moment. “I want to renegotiate your contract before next season so we can take that out. I’m also giving you a raise.”

“Oh. Thank you.” I’m still a little confused. “Are you… mad?”

“A little. But not at you. Not even at Blake, really. I’m just frustrated at the ongoing messes I’m having to clean up that Edward’s sons left me. They ran this team to the ground and no matter how many times I finally think I’ve fixed them, more pop up.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” She pauses. “Is there no fixing the relationship?”

“We have a history of lies and half-truths and miscommunication,” I admit. “And while I might have been a little hasty in ending things, I thought we couldn’t be together no matter what. Frankly, I’m not giving up my dream job so I can follow him around the NHL.”

“You know, your career is important. I don’t discount that at all. But sometimes you have to decide what’s most important—your job or your family. Your life. Your future . In ten years, you’ll be close to forty and most likely will have Gene’s job. But what else will you have, Rowan? Will you have the love of your life? A family? Something—and someone—to go home to at the end of the day?”

“You think I should quit?” I gasp in surprise.

“Of course not. But I don’t think matters of the heart are ever black and white. As your boss, I absolutely don’t want to lose you. But as a woman? Your friend? Are you sure you’re making the best decision? Obviously, you loved him as a teen, but it seems like you love him even more now. Is your career worth losing him?” She holds up a hand to stop me from saying anything before I can respond. “You don’t have to tell me, but you should really think about it. The love of your life only comes around once. I can tell you that for certain.”

She gets up.

“Clear out your desk and take a few days to think. I’ll be in touch.”

And with that, she slips out and disappears around the corner.

Leaving me with a lot to consider.

Even if I was willing to give up my job—which I’m not sure I am—I don’t know if I can be with someone who… keeps secrets. He truly didn’t lie. A lie of omission is a lie, but since the Boston thing was just gossip at that point, it’s a little petty to call it a lie. He did keep a secret, though. And I have to think about how I feel about that.

Was he truly trying to protect me during a time of so much uncertainty?

If actions speak louder than words, his actions over the last month tell a much different story than our argument. The man I was with the last month is kind, thoughtful, and caring. He’s attentive, warm, and loving.

Because he loves me.

He said so, more than once.

He was even willing to be patient while I got my head out of my ass.

And the first chance I got to end things, I did.

The trauma from the past reared its ugly head at the worst possible time, making me do something rash.

Now I have to figure out if I’m willing to find a way to work past all that or if I did the right thing.

And in my heart of hearts, I already know the answer.

I just don’t know how to fix what I broke.