Page 28

TWENTY-EIGHT

Blake

It’s probably too soon to be baring my soul like this, but what choice do I have? I know that’s what she wants to hear, what she needs from me. Everything is happening so fast, and I feel a twinge of guilt at keeping the Boston thing from her, but my gut tells me she won’t be thrilled about me going to Boston considering she didn’t react well to the idea of me living in Phoenix.

And now she’s looking at me with tears in her eyes.

“You…do?” she whispers, blinking rapidly, like that’s going to stop the tears from falling. Because one has already started to slide down her cheek.

“Why does that make you cry?” I ask, reaching out to wipe it with my thumb. “Does my loving you make you feel bad?”

“No, it just… I mean… shit.” She takes a shaky breath. “It’s so soon , Blake.”

“It’s not. We took a really long, unplanned break, but I never stopped loving you. That’s all there is to it. We can psychoanalyze, discuss the intricacies of emotions, maturity, and everything else, but at the end of the day it all boils down to the same thing. I love you, and I’m pretty sure you love me.”

She nods rapidly, more tears filling her eyes.

Obviously, saying the words is going to be harder for her than it was for me, but that’s okay. I’m a patient guy. Technically, I’ve been waiting almost ten years. A few more days or weeks won’t make that much of a difference.

“Tell me why you’re crying,” I say gently, reaching for her hands and holding them with both of mine.

“Because I do feel what you feel, but I don’t know how this is going to work. It’s almost like we’re falling into a little bit of the same pattern again… where I have to make a huge sacrifice for us to be together.”

Because of the no fraternization clause.

That whole thing really pisses me off since players don’t have anything like that in their contracts, so it seems unfair that they have it for the support staff. Especially since it makes Ms. Barrowman a hypocrite, which is out of character for her in my experience.

“I don’t want you to sacrifice anything,” I say firmly.

“That’s what you said last time too, and it turned out you just wanted the freedom to sleep with other women.”

I sigh.

I knew this might be a thing going forward, that the past would come up, but that’s on me. This time around I have to show her that’s not who I am anymore, that I’ve changed. That the thing I want most is to make her happy.

“Rowan, I was an idiot back then. I swear to you, everything is different now. I’m different now. I just need a chance to prove it.”

“I’ve been giving you a chance but now things are so complicated…”

“I know, but if we love each other, we’ll get through it. I promise, we’ll find a way. I just don’t know what it is yet.”

“I need a little more time before I’m ready to…fully commit,” she says softly. “Can you give me the time to wrap my head around everything? How fast we’re moving and how to work through the trauma from the past? I’ve forgiven you, truly, and I do share your feelings, but I need a little more time to get comfortable with them. I want to be emotionally healthy before we take things to the next level. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I don’t want to bring baggage to our relationship. If we’re going to do this again, it has to be the right way. Because if we do it a second time, there won’t be a third—it’s forever or nothing.”

Forever.

I really like the sound of that.

“Take as much time as you need,” I say easily. “I’m not going anywhere. And I’m going to keep saying that until you believe it.”

“It’s not about what you say,” she whispers. “You have to show me. You have to be here. With me, for me, supporting me. Because I love my job, just like you do, and I don’t want to have to quit.”

“I don’t want you to. That’s why I talked about having an attorney look at the contract. We have options. As long as you want to try, I know we can find our way forward.”

“Let’s get through the playoffs,” she says. “Can you give me until this season ends to get my head on straight?”

“However long it takes, baby. I’ll be right here.” I squeeze her hand.

“Thank you.” She moves into my arms, and I hold her tightly.

I need to come clean about the opportunity in Boston, but this isn’t the time. I can feel it in my gut; she won’t react well. She’s already teetering on the edge of confusion, unsure whether I’m the man she needs me to be, and until she’s fully committed, I need to make things as simple as possible—for both of us.

We lose game five in Vegas, so now we’re down again, three games to two. Luckily, we’re heading back to L.A. where the hometown energy will hopefully guide us into tying up the series. However, it was the first game of the playoffs where I had no points at all. No goals, no assists, no penalty minutes, nothing.

Deep down, I know some of the pressure is getting to me.

It’s more convoluted than that, but I’m pretty sure that’s what it boils down to.

My parents are still in town, determined to stick around through the end of the series, even though Phoebe had to go home to go back to work. Dad isn’t allowed in the locker room or family lounge after the games anymore, which has become a bone of contention for him, but he did it to himself.

Meanwhile, Rowan’s dad is still here as well, essentially keeping us apart other than our night in Vegas.

And the talk we had didn’t go as well as I’d hoped.

She said she returns my feelings but wouldn’t say the words “I love you.”

She was also clear that she doesn’t want to leave her job, and though I understand it, I’m not sure what we’ll do if the Phantoms do decide to keep me on. I let her go once before, and I don’t want to do it again, but I can’t imagine walking away from an opportunity to play for the big leagues. Even one season, at a million dollars, could set up our future.

The problem is that I don’t think she’s motivated by money.

In the grand scheme of things, neither am I, but this is important.

Life-changing even.

Maybe I feel that way because I’ve been broke for so long, but I don’t want to start our life together with nothing. We’ve already been apart for ten years. Would it really be so bad to do the long-distance thing for another year or two while I bank some serious money?

Am I being selfish again?

I have no interest in other women.

I would never cheat on her. Technically, I didn’t cheat before either—I asked for a break specifically for that reason, but at least I was honest enough to end it before I went looking.

This time around, I just want to do what’s best for us, for our future.

And maybe end my career on a high note.

I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

But I have to tread carefully because I’m pretty sure Rowan isn’t as confident in our relationship as I am.

The truth is she has more to lose, and she already lost a year of her life because of me, so I don’t want to force her to make a choice like that.

I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to give her up, even if it’s better for her, so that’s weighing on me as we fly home.

After our flight lands in L.A., Rowan goes home with her dad, and I get back to my hotel room. I lay there in the darkness staring at the ceiling for a long time. I never dreamed I’d be at a crossroads like this, where I have more options than I know what to do with. Most of them are out of my control, though, which is what makes it difficult.

I reach for my phone and open the texting app.

BLAKE: I’m lying here missing you. Whatcha doin’?

ROWAN: Dad and I are having a late dinner, but then I’m going to bed. I have an early day tomorrow.

BLAKE: How come?

ROWAN: Bunch of stuff going on, a shipment of supplies came in that I need to go through, and Sunny won’t be in because she has graduation stuff going on.

BLAKE: You want me to come in and help out? I could say my shoulder is bothering me or something?

ROWAN: That’s sweet, but I think it’s too risky. My dad will probably come help me.

I want to protest, say that’s not his job, but it’s not mine either.

I really fucking hate this.

BLAKE: Let’s see if we can find a lawyer to look at your contract. This no fraternization thing really bugs me.

ROWAN: It’ll cost a lot of money. Let’s just get through the playoffs, okay? Then we can reassess over the summer.

BLAKE: I can pay for it—I got a nice bonus for winning the first round.

ROWAN: Let’s talk about it later, okay? I have to go, our food just got here. But I’ll see you tomorrow at practice.

BLAKE: Love you.

She doesn’t respond, and it’s kind of a bummer.

It feels like she’s slowly slipping away, and I’ve barely gotten her back.

I have to do something.

I just wish I had a clue what that something is.

I have a lot to make up for with Rowan, and I’m willing to do almost anything.

Almost.

Walking away from a contract with the Phantoms?

That might be asking too much.

But the alternative is… fuck .

Letting her go isn’t part of any damn plan.