Page 16 of Peacock Me Like a Hurricane (Rise of the Resistance #2)

DELILAH

“ O i, love. You know you have to make an appearance. It’s Shea’s birthday. You have a relationship with him, casual though it may be, and he’ll be hurt.”

I sigh and look at Rafe pleadingly, but he shakes his head. “The parties here are huge Mardi gras-style festivals that last an entire month. Taurus won’t want to go, and I wouldn’t ask him to. Plus, I have way too much on my plate: loss of mates, in heat, taking flack over that fucking bar, Beltane, and a secret mating with Taurus. Knowing Tamara, it will be absolutely debauched to prove that she can throw a bacchanal like we do. I don’t want to be in public with all of those huge targets on my back.”

“It’s not Shea’s fault that his woman’s a fruitcake, love. You know that it’s poor form not to pop in, even if it’s brief.” Hex tilts his head. “The rest of us can go for longer, but you have to show up.”

“You’re both right.” I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. Shea will try to get me alone so we can get frisky. He’ll expect it for his birthday and it’s a way to show off at his party. Sadly, that is very much how many people work nowadays.

With the heat, it will be hard to resist, even though she is not a fan of Shea. He’s too weak.

I crack my neck as I muse. “I have to figure out how to get in and out without getting cornered. Hopefully, the folks from Rita’s family will keep Tamara’s family busy enough to cover for my short and sweet drive by. I also have to find a present that doesn’t encourage clinginess. It can’t be too impersonal;, but it also can’t make him think I’m game to start up again.”

“No one knows about Taurus yet except for Sari. She’ll try to out you in public, so you have to avoid her. Pretending to do it accidentally will incite panic and help her beef up their position on the karaoke dump.” Philomena gives me a cool look, her eyes cutting to Siren.

I bet the book at my house has already run the statistics on that scenario. Hex never misses an occasion to play the numbers. “Luckily, she knows extraordinarily little of the big picture. I told her enough to tantalize her curiosity, but not enough for her to let the dogs loose.” I close my eyes, feeling exhausted by all of the shifting three-dimensional chess games with people who are supposed to be my family.

Why do they make everything so damned hard?

“How is the puffed-up fowl, anyway? You said you had to heal an injury?”

I grin. This is a delightful story and I’m so glad she asked. “Yep. He’s doing fine now, but he smashed his hand up. It was wounded pride more than anything. He said he was going to Milan to pick up a new duster from this hairy little Italian guy that does his tailoring. Apparently, he gets handsy and I’m super sad that I’m not there to see it.”

Rafe blinks, then bursts out laughing. “The picture in my head is priceless. How’d he smash his hand?”

Hopping up on the counter, I prepare to relay the tale that took me an hour to get out of my arrogant mate. I don’t think he’d mind me telling my family. Honestly, since Rafe is out of his studio and talking to people, it’s important for me to keep the good mood going. I watch as Leo and Sandrine commandeer a big armchair and Hex wiggles into a place next to Siren on the couch. Victor joins Caesar on the loveseat and I smile because everyone’s getting settled in.

“He got a text from the Company for a job. I guess since he freelances, that’s how the reqs come in. Taurus told me that the agents can only call in as ‘not interested’—clones don’t get sick—or ‘over my rotten corpse’. That means the job doesn’t fit with your beliefs or whatever.”

Rafe leans against the bar, cutting his eyes to Victor, and they share a look—they know a bit about this topic.

Philomena pours herself another martini from her shaker and sighs. “One would think they’d try calling in dead given the lackadaisical clones that live here.”

“Not an option, obviously. I guess the team lead got injured on a job the previous day. They didn’t have a replacement, so the call went out to freelancers. The message said that it was a stash house hit in the Louisiana bayous. He figured it was no big deal because he does that shit all the time. What they didn’t tell him was that he was paired with a rookie for a training exercise—which he hates—and a shitty rookie to boot.”

Victor snorts and mutters. “Typical.”

“The intel wasn’t good. He had to get there by borrowed car because it was listed as a no apparating job. When he got to the drop spot, he found a canoe .”

The entire room blinks silently for a moment and then the laughter starts, building to a raucous hooting. Victor looks happier than I’ve seen him in forever as he pictures Taurus scooting around in a canoe. Even Rafe is smiling now.

“So, he rows himself to the place where they’re supposed to knock out a little family owned cocaine ring to find this cocky rookie completely ignoring rules of engagement. Taurus is already having trouble with the stupid canoe, so he’s covered in muck, and pissy as hell. The idiot rookie goes flying into the building hollering like he’s in the fifth infantry charging General Custer.”

Philomena looks at me in horror. “His hand tailored, Italian lambskin duster got covered in swamp slime? For the love of Armani, he probably popped a vein in his head.”

“I know. I couldn’t even breathe at this point in the story because I was laughing so hard. He tells it even better than me. So, it turns out that the intel is even more fucked. It’s not a small family drug ring, but Colombian connected. They have an arsenal and a mini-army at their disposal. The rookie—a dimwit named Cob, of all things—about got his ass shot off going in. Taurus had to break the rules to pop in to grab him. His duster got shot twice while he was doing it.”

Taking a sip of his bourbon, Rafe gives me an amused look. “Yet none of this explains why you had to heal his hand.”

“Well, once he killed the cartel guys, Cob got mad. He dove at Taurus and knocked him on his ass in the swamp. Taurus beat the hell out of him, dropped him off at the Company for re-training, and then got caught to be debriefed. Any of this alone would have been enough to send him over the deep end, but the debriefings are one of his least favorite things. It went on forever and made him late to get back with Talia’s car. She bitched him out and he was so pissed about the entire affair, that he slammed his hand in her door.”

Now everyone is practically hooting with laughter and I grin. I guess it didn’t hurt anything to tell his little embarrassing tale. It’s not like he’ll know I cheered everyone up, right?

~Think again, minx. I’ll have your cute little bum warmed for this. ~

I blink. How in the hell ? ~Hey! Where the hell are you? I worry about you, you know. ~

His grin filters through our connection. ~Have you been sitting at home pining like a war widow while I’m working, love? I think that’d be a good look on you. ~

Sniffing, I frown. ~No. Maybe. Yes. I don’t know. I don’t even know how to knit! ~

He frowns. ~I do. Punishment. I’ll tell you later. ~

“Hey, kitty! Hello? Are you there?”

Leo is waving at me and I blink back into focus, kicking him out of my head. “Yes?”

“Peacock wounds not-with-standing, what are we doing about Shea’s party?”

“I’m going to find a suitable present, deliver it, and blow the joint. You guys can hang and mingle. Luckily, this one isn’t crossing the portal like the February party. It worries me when so many of you guys are running around the real place together.”

Caesar snorts. “Oi, ducks, it’s not like we all look exactly alike anymore. We blend.”

“Oh, yeah. Sixty hot guys and gals that look vaguely related running around getting in trouble. You blend like a bad contour job.”

Sighing loudly, Philomena sits down her glass. “Okay, we have glad handing duty throughout the month. It sounds awful, but we can split it up. You’ll drop in with a present and head back to Birdland as usual. Does that sound about right?”

I nod. “Yep. I’m going to head there to see if I can figure out what’s going on with Taurus. Sari requested he drop by to discuss Rhea today, according to her texts this afternoon. I haven’t seen him since and that makes me worry.”

They look at me as if he’s lost his mind going to see her. “It’s dangerous as hell, I know, but I can’t stop him. He’s on a ‘mending bridges’ kick. I don’t know how to tell him that once she gets her claws in, we’ll all be miserable.”

“Figure out a way,” Rafe murmurs, pushing off the bar with the bourbon bottle in hand. “They ruin everything, love. Don’t let them take this.”

Without another word, he heads for the studio, leaving us all to watch him go.

Dammit.

Taurus grins down at me. “So you would weep for me if I made you a widow?”

“I’d be inconsolable.” I comb my fingers through his hair, pondering. “I think something in me would die with you.”

Tugging me closer on his lap, he murmurs, “I was wondering how long it would take before you started poking around in my mind once we mated. The fact that you can do this so soon and you can block me is… surprising.”

I shrug. “Magick, I’m sure. I know you’re the only clone who can pan-orate, but I’ve been using mental tricks for a long time. I can do a lot more than I let on. I studied with enormously powerful people in my dead life.”

“Really? None of the other mates know?” His brows furrow.

“Nope. I told Rafe not to divulge it to anyone. He’d sooner cut out his tongue than rat me out.”

Even when it’s for my own good, like with Wilde.

“I intend on respecting that power, loving it as part of you, and staying the hell out of your way when you’re pissed.” His grin is boyish, and I laugh softly.

“Sounds like a solid plan.”

He tilts his head, then murmurs. “What’s this party thing everyone’s talking about on the blog?”

I groan. “Every clone or droid has a birthday month, even if it’s made up. Here, there’s always a party. This one is Shea’s. I don’t want to encourage him since we’ve been… intimate in the past, but I can’t skip it. My family’s going to do most of the heavy lifting, but I will have to drop by and give him a present.”

He scrapes a fang on my collarbone, licking the droplet and grinning. “Queen Kitty duty. Got it.”

My eyes go hazy. “Well, uh, I have to figure out how to do that before the end of the month…”

Nipping along the back of my neck, he continues to murmur assent and I completely lose the thread of what I’m saying. “You’re making it hard to have a conversation.”

“Am I? I was gone all day, though.”

I growl, distracted from my original purpose. “That you were. I haven’t had a taste of you for hours . We should fix that.”

“That’s what I’m trying to do, minx…”

Hours later, I’m sitting at my house staring at the wall. I have no idea what to get Shea for his birthday that won’t… suggest I’m up for more physical pursuits. He and I were never cerebral; he’s a sexed up puppy dog. It might not even matter what I get because he’ll assume I’m ready to play.

Fuck. Why is everything so goddamned hard?

Opening my laptop, I decide to search for an idea online. Not the most original plan, but it should get me started, right? The background on my screen is a slideshow of pictures and it flashes a picture of Alistair and I from a party months ago. The Universe truly wants me to suffer, I fucking swear.

I rub my hand over my chest, feeling the ache in my bones, and push away from the computer. I need resolution for this shit with them. I need to be heard. I need to let them know what their betrayal did to us. Rhea’s selfish behavior cost us all, and she should be held to account for it.

Should I open that can of worms again?

I don’t know. It seems like a dangerous plan, but I don’t know if I’ll ever move past it if I don’t tell them how I feel. I can’t meet them in person; I’ve had my fill of that. Sighing, I sit back down at my laptop and start typing an email. Perhaps this will give me closure.

Then I can go back to dreading this bloody party.

“Have you lost your bloody mind?!!”

I blink, whipping my head to the doorway. After a morning full of getting the birthday droid’s surprise ready, I came to wait for him for some R in fact, she looked me up at the house to cry and whine before I came. Talia wasn’t home, and I’m sure she knew that. I wish I could give you back what you’re missing so much.”

My eyes close and I whisper, “I could have it back today if I was willing to forget, but I’m not. I won’t pretend none of this happened. She gave lame excuses for how she treated people and evaded blame… It’s over. I have closure now. I was honest, and I tried.”

I feel his muscles stiffen, but his voice is soft. “I'm getting that feeling again, baby. That 'get out of dodge and off the radar' feeling that caused me and Talia to duck out last time.”

Everything in me stills like a shock wave hit me. I try to find the air in my lungs, but I can’t. All I can do is mumble, “I-I understand if you need to.”

How I got those words out, I don’t know. It felt like eating ground glass. My entire being halts in place as I wait to find out if my stupid idea to help Rafe and I close the book on this chapter of our lives backfired. I would hyperventilate if I could even breathe.

“Well.” He lets go of me, turning away as the chill in the air increases.

“Maybe… maybe I was wrong bringing you into all of this… this world.” I move off of his lap, needing space to displace the fear and pain that is swelling inside of me.

“Are you saying that you shouldn't have been with me?” Popping off the bed, he paces around the room like a caged animal. “I mean, why the fuck not? Everything I touch disintegrates.”

I walk over to him and reach up to turn his face back to me. “Don't. That's not what I meant. I meant that I was sorry that I brought you into this mess with Rhea.”

“Are you kidding me? From what I read, Rafe's problems with her were because of what happened when I spoke to her. All of your problems are my fault. Everyone wants to fix her and make her better, so that they can be with her again.” He stalks to the bar, snarling as he loses his temper. “ Fuck. When the hell is loving someone or wanting to have something for my fucking self ever going to not be tainted by fucking shithead bitches!”

I wince, swallowing hard as my fear of losing him and the trauma from Wilde clash inside of me. I put my hands on my thighs, trying to hide the shaking as I race to figure out how to control the layers of terror exploding in my chest. When I finally manage to speak, I pick each word carefully. “She wants to blame someone for her behavior. Catching you before I could explain made it easy for her to transfer that guilt to you.”

“She fucking lied, Deli” he roars.

“I’m aware. She lied to all of us.” I walk closer, hoping that if I touch him, it will calm both of us.

He jerks away, heading for the large armchair to drop into it. His expression is more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen it. “Why does everyone want to fix her? She's been so horrible. Why can't I love someone and have it be fun and light?”

With that question, I realize that he’s been internalizing a lot of resentment towards my ex-family members. I’m not sure what I said that sent him spinning, but he needs help. I have to get myself under control so I can do that. Closing my eyes, I breathe slowly, looking for my center so that the trembling will stop. When I feel like I’m not going to heave, I walk over to the couch.

“Listen to me, baby. I realize now that helping her is beyond my capabilities. It breaks my heart that I can’t. It feels like giving up, and I’m not good at giving up on people I care about. It’s my nature to try to fix it until I beat myself bloody. I know now, after her response to that email, that I cannot continue to let her do this to me or the ones I love. So, I’m letting them go. I have to.”

~I just want someone to like me best.~

I drop to the floor in front of him and put my hands on his knees. Looking up at him with soft eyes, I whisper, “Do you know how many times I could have been with Alistair if I gave in? Or how easy it would have been to let them treat me badly and do nothing? As many times as she would have jumped you if you let her, I’m sure. I've been consciously choosing you because you make me happy.”

He sniffles, but doesn’t respond.

“I love you. I want you. I don't care if anyone likes it. If this is the price I have to pay to have you in my life, I accept it gladly.” I reach up to cup his face, trying to get him to see the truth in my eyes.

“I don't want to go away but... I hurt,” he murmurs in a gravelly voice.

“I don’t want you to go, but if you need to... I will deal with it because I don't want you to get hurt. What you need is important to me.” I look away because I know that I can’t hide the emotions running over my face.

Panic, fear, sadness, and resignation are swamping my system and I can’t bring myself to lie to him. I also can’t make myself ask him to stay. This world can be so amazing, but it hasn’t been lately. Taurus hasn’t even hit the bottom of the barrel of unpleasantness that I’ve lived with since the holidays.

No one should have to go through what Rafe and I have gone through, even by proxy.

“All I know is this: Blondie and I are done. Her and Talia—that's for them to suss out. Personally, Talia is pissed because she hurt me. She's protective of me.”

“She should be. If I knew what to do to help you, I’d be doing it. I'm afraid to make things worse.”

“You don't have to fix me,” he growls.

“I’m scared. I can’t stand seeing you hurt. I don’t know what to do.”

“Why are you scared?”

I bite my lip, unsure how to answer without baring so much that I can’t take it back. “Because I’m sure that I’m going to lose you and I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t want to pressure you into staying with me, but I’m scared.” I let out a shaky breath. He has no idea how hard that was to say. I’ve been so trained, so conditioned, to put myself second to those I love that voicing my needs has become difficult for fear of reprisal.

His voice is soft. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m afraid I’m going to lose you.”

I shake my head. “Only if you tell me to go away. Otherwise, I'll always be here.”

“Would you fight for me like you have for Blondie and her mate?”

I notice he doesn’t say brother, and I wonder if that’s too painful to admit. “Yes. I love you. I don’t fall for people as easily as it seems—not like I did you—and once I do, that’s it. I fight until there’s nothing left to fight for. Apparently, even then I put up my dukes from the ground.”

“It means a lot to hear you say that.” He wipes his face and sighs. “But you hurt me, too, Deli. Why didn't you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” I frown.

“Why didn’t you tell me how bad you were hurting? Or about the email last night? You could have texted me.”

“We had a good day yesterday. The email plan came to me last minute and you’d gone home. I figured I would tell you in person because that felt like the right thing to do. I should have known she’d try to zing me from the background.”

“It feels like things that happened were lies if you hurt that badly inside and I didn’t know.”

“Baby, I loved every second with you. You’ve been the bright spot in my day for quite a while now.”

“I felt like a truck had broadsided me. You were hurting over them yesterday and maybe other times, too. In my mind, that means that what we had wasn't real because you were struggling, and I didn't know.”

“I can understand why you'd feel that way and I'm deeply sorry. For me, being here is... separate. When I come here, everything else fades away. Maybe that's a lame excuse, but it’s what I feel.”

He’s quiet, as if he’s thinking about it, then he nods. “You're right. I see how it would fade away in our home.”

I manage a shaky smile, hearing him call this place ‘our home’ hitting me right in the feels. Sniffling, I duck my head as I wipe my eyes. My emotions are rising and falling like a rollercoaster and it’s making me leak.

“What’s wrong?”

“You called it our home. It went right here,” I pat my chest, feeling like a silly girl.

“I've thought of this place as our home for a while. We've been building it little by little as we get more comfortable with each other. That's how it went in my head, at least.” He flushes and shrugs.

I lay my hand on his leg again though I want to be in his arms. I wait for him to move it, but he opens his arms. Crawling into them as fast as I can, I finally feel my muscles unlock. We stay wrapped around each other quietly for a few moments, each working out our pain silently.

“It’s okay, baby. Everything is going to be okay.” He strokes my back soothingly. “But I think I need to say a few things, love.”

The tension comes back and I sit perfectly still. “I’m listening.”

“I can't handle you keeping things from me. It hurts me—more than finding out would, actually.”

“I understand,” I say carefully.

“I need to know that you'll let me in. Because if you've been hurting and you keep it from me, it's—well, it's not good.”

“I thought I was okay with it— I did. I don't know what triggered my need to give it one more try. I wrote the stupid email and sent it. Truthfully, I felt much better having done it.”

“I was remarkably close to bolting. I don't want to feel that again.”

“I felt that. When you said you might go, I realized that while I was upset about losing Alistair, losing you terrified me. It shocked me how afraid I was of losing you.”

“That being said, I want you to know that this is our home. If things get bad, I won't leave. If I need to escape, I'll stay here and disappear from everywhere else. We’ll keep the outside out until I feel better.”

“I like that. I’ll hide here, too, if need be.”

“We’re okay, then?”

“With me, we are. You?”

“You're still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I love you with everything in me.” He wipes a tear off my cheek, and I smile.

“I love you, too. At least I didn’t snot on your shirt.”

His eyes widen in horror as he looks over every inch of the borrowed shirt I’m wearing. “That's it, hussy, no more wearing my shirts!”

I pout, my eyes big and wide. “But you said you liked when I wore your silk.”

He chuckles. “Sodding hell, that's a dangerous weapon you’ve got going on.” He hugs me tightly and sighs. “Christ, I love you. I’d like to spend the next good eternity holding on to you if you don't mind.”

“That works for me, baby.”

He frowns and looks at where he broke a perfectly good vase in his tantrum. “Sorry about that.”

I wave my hand. “It’s replicable; you're not.”

“Can I admit something to you? When I first told you, I was ready to scram, and you told me you understood, I thought you wanted me to go. I thought you didn't want me anymore.”

Shaking my head vehemently, I look into his eyes. “Never. I didn’t want to make you feel you had to stay because of me. I love you and sometimes, if you love things, you have to let them go. When I’m cornered, I get very self-sacrificing.”

His expression is one of pure confusion. “I work on one basic tenet: I go by what I see and hear. So, if I don't know you'd rather not lose me, I wouldn’t assume.”

“I have a nasty habit of putting people I love before me.”

“You really need to work on that, pet.”

“I’m getting better. When it’s important, I say something, even if it’s small.”

“You would have said something to me, then?” He tilts his head and looks at me curiously.

“I did. I told you I was scared.”

“Yes, you did. You really didn't want me to go, did you, baby?”

I look at my hands and shake my head, emotions swelling inside me. “No, I did not.”

He picks me up, carrying me over to the bed. Shucking his shirt, he lays back and grabs my hand. He pulls me down next to him. “I'm not going anywhere, baby. Barring an unfortunate death via Company assignment, you're stuck with me.”

Curling around him, I smile. “Good, because I was gearing up to be inconsolable.”

“Yeah, so was I. On a good day if I go off to lick my wounds, I'm a mess. The thought of losing you was killing me.”

“I don’t know what I would have done. I’m so used to having you now.”

“If I remember correctly: pining, wasting away, knitting…” he jokes with a fond smile.

“That would have been a blanket the size of the Grand bloody Canyon. I mean, once I learned how to do it.”

He reaches out to touch my heart with his, murmuring, “You’re home to me, love. You're where I live now.”

“You’re trying to make me all sappy, you big softy.”

“Just telling you what's inside me.”

Smiling to myself, I lean up and whisper in his ear. “You hunka burning clone, you.”

His entire body goes still, and he leans back. Sapphire eyes practically glow with emotion as he whispers, “Thank you. You rock me, baby. I love you so much.” I give him a shy grin and he cups my face in his hands. “Just so you know, when I'm feeling better? You are never living that down. Right now, I’m feeling too humbled and grateful to tease.”

I mumble into his shoulder. “If it makes you happy, I can deal with the fallout. I wanted to show you—even in a silly way—how much you mean to me.”

“It was perfect.” He reaches for my chin, lifting it gently to look deeply into my eyes. “Mine.” His voice is a husky, rough sound filled with emotion. Leaning in me, he kisses me softly. “Yours forever, my love.” He holds me tightly, then sighs. “I'm spent, baby. But I'm staying right here with you tonight, so don't even think of kicking me out of our bed. I want to fall asleep with you next to me in my shirt.”

“Leaving never crossed my mind.”

“I love you, heart of mine. Sleep with me, be my wonderful dream, and lead me towards a happier dawn.”

I sigh, closing my eyes to find sleep and rest for the next day.

Who knows what’s coming then?