Page 21

C alvin exchanges a few more words with the boy, even lets him take a picture of them together. When he gets up, the boy suddenly hugs him around the waist, and Calvin steps back in surprise. He pats him on the head, albeit awkwardly, and the boy runs off, charging toward his uncle.

“Guess who I met!” he yells, practically throwing his phone at his uncle to show him the photo they took. Miles steals one last glance at the boy’s lit-up expression before he follows Calvin out the door.

“You like kids?” Miles asks, though it’s really more of a statement.

He shrugs. “My sister, Clara, has boys. Got a lot of practice, I guess. I spend a lot of time with them, teaching them how to play the guitar.”

Miles wonders why hearing that makes his stomach flip, and not unpleasantly.

“Kids are a lot easier to talk to than adults.” He eyes Miles. “ Maybe that’s why it’s not that hard to talk to you. You’re really childish.”

He playfully shoves him. “Anywaaay, the shop owner was talking about how the local school needs instructors for their music camp.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, thought I’d tell you, even if you’re leaving this weekend. You probably won’t have time for it, anyway, with how busy you’re going to be with your upcoming gigs.”

“I won’t be busy after our final concert. I’ll be doing nothing.”

Realizing he’s right, Miles studies him. “Is… teaching at a music camp in Ridgeford something you’d consider?”

“Maybe. I’ll look into it after all the stuff with the band.”

Miles’s stomach does another flip. He wants to tell the damn thing to quit doing that.

Calvin, coming back to town? He told himself not to get his hopes up, but he is, anyway.

They turn around the corner and Miles glances around to make sure the street’s empty. There’s nobody around, so he takes his chance, puts a hand on Calvin’s nape, and pulls him in for a quick kiss.

Calvin tilts his head, and he asks, voice amused, “What was that for?”

“Felt like it.” Miles grins. “Sorry, I know we’re out. I won’t do it again.”

“It’s fine. I—yeah. That was okay.”

He hands him the pick. “For you.”

“Oh. Thanks.” Calvin takes it, stares at it for a long while and then he does it again—he smiles in that too-soft way he does, and Miles’s heart jumps. Fuck. He turns away and smacks a hand against his warm cheeks, cursing under his breath.

“Isn’t that Matthew’s bakery?” Calvin asks, pointing at the end of the road. The sign says Brown Sugar—Matthew’s place.

He forgot they were getting close. “Yeah. Matthew’s probably still at the inn, though. His mom’s probably the one manning the store.”

“Do you want to say hi to her?”

“Maybe next time,” he says, chuckling. “She’s great, but I haven’t seen her in a while. She’ll probably fuss over me, and we’ll never be able to leave.”

Calvin seems like he wants to ask something—probably bring up what Megan said earlier—when Miles’s phone rings and interrupts them.

It’s Gabby.

“Miles, you need to come back,” she says when he picks up. “The wedding party came all at once to check-in to their rooms, and we could use the help. Everything okay with the rentals?”

“Yeah, all good. On my way,” he says. The call ends, and he puts his phone away. “I need to head back.”

Calvin nods. They walk back toward his car, which is parked a block away, on the street of the wedding rental store.

“So… you and Matthew, huh?” Calvin peers at him.

Okay. He can’t avoid the question forever, and he mentally braces himself. “Yeah. I should have mentioned it.”

Shrugging, Calvin says, “You’re good, I didn’t know is all. How long were you together? ”

“I don’t know, actually,” Miles says, which is a genuine answer. “We’ve known each other since we were kids, started fooling around in high school, and I’m not really sure when it became us. It’s just how it was.”

“It’s just how it was?” Calvin’s eyebrows knit together, and Miles gets it. His story with Matthew couldn’t be any less exciting. Maybe if he had been asked this years ago, when he still very much thought Matthew and he would last forever, he’d have a much more enthusiastic response.

“It made sense.” Miles studies Calvin’s expression. There’s nothing in it. It’s entirely unreadable.

“Must be nice being able to have an ex who doesn’t thrive on drama. Though… I guess it wasn’t always like that with Theo.”

That makes Miles chuckle. “So, you’re ready to talk about that?”

“Why? What did you want to know?”

Maybe something’s changed from when they last talked about Calvin’s ex, but he doesn’t seem as on edge now. Calvin cocks his head at Miles, as if daring him to ask—a huge difference from before, when he was guarded and uncomfortable.

Miles stops walking and puts a hand on his arm. “So, what happened?”

“Which time? We broke up so many times I don’t even know.”

“Calvin,” Miles says, softly, still hoping he’ll get an actual answer. Even if it’s none of his business, he wants to understand Calvin more.

Calvin’s eyes dart across Miles’s face. “We weren’t good together. We… used to be. I mean, it wasn’t always bad. He would push me out of my shell, and he said that I’m the person who kept him grounded. Theo and I used to bring the best out of each other. Making good music was really easy when we were happy.”

“All your hit songs prove that,” Miles quips, even if it strikes something in his chest.

“Yeah. It used to be a lot easier. But things change, I guess. When the band got bigger, we started seeing things differently, and the change was so gradual I didn’t even realize it until it was too late.” Calvin kicks at a stone on the pavement, but he doesn’t look upset, only deep in thought. “It’s kind of funny how the things we liked about each other became the things we couldn’t stand.”

“Like what?”

“It was probably the pressure of becoming too big, but he kept pushing too much, and I started hating it; I was too passive and he hated that. We’d try to fix it and meet in the middle, and for some time, it’d be like it used to be, but it never lasted. At some point, it was just too much work. He’d say things like I don’t have an opinion about anything, that I don’t care about our music. He said I didn’t back him up hard enough with what he wanted for the band.”

“Has he actually listened to you perform? The man only has eyes and ears for himself.”

Calvin laughs and meets his eyes. “It’s sweet that you say that, but you don’t have to. It is what it is.”

“Yeah, but you need to know this. Nobody can watch you on stage and say you don’t care about your music. I’m serious. You’re fucking incredible.”

He blushes and hunches his shoulders, shaking Miles’s grip off his arm. “What are you, the president of my fan club?”

“No, that would be Rebecca.”

“Who’s Rebecca?”

“The president of your fan club. Keep up.” Miles laughs when he makes a bewildered face. “You know this. The club’s got a Facebook group, a newsletter, and sells merch. A bunch were backstage at the festival. The Calvinatics. It doesn’t ring a bell?”

Calvin looks mortified. “I—oh. Yeah. I know. Please stop talking.”

“I’m aiming to be at least a moderator soon, but I need to suck up to the inner circle first. Think I can post some selfies of us? Might make it easier if they believe I can get in touch with you.”

“You—you joined the—oh my god.” Calvin’s spluttering and his red ears are priceless, and Miles grins and sidles up to him. He puts an arm around his shoulder and squeezes, and Calvin makes a disgruntled sound. “Why are you teasing me?”

“I’m not.” Okay, maybe he is, but only because he gets so cute when he’s flustered like this. “I think it’s really adorable how you seem to have no idea how incredible you are. Incredible enough to have your own fan club.”

“Stop it,” Calvin mumbles. “Talk about something else. Actually, stop deflecting and changing the subject. Why did you and Matthew break up?”

He thinks about it for a long while. They’re getting closer to his car, and they pass by the music store. The boy Calvin was talking to is running around the shop.

“It didn’t make sense anymore,” Miles says, quietly, because it’s the only real answer he has. “It was my fault. When… uh. When my dad passed, I kind of stopped being myself—Matt tried everything, but nothing mattered. Eventually, he stopped trying.”

Miles slows down a bit, lets go of Calvin, and holds a hand to his chest. Shit. That hollow, empty feeling creeps up. This is probably why he didn’t want to talk about his past with Matthew. He probably knew it would stir something in him.

He and Matthew had been great together—but that was a long time ago, and that had been a version of Miles he doesn’t even remember anymore. Still, sometimes when he’s alone in his too big city apartment, home from a night out with friends who came with their partners, he does wonder what it would be like to have someone. Then he’d remember how perfect he used to have it, and that if it didn’t work out that time, it would never work out with anyone else.

But now, he thinks that if Calvin gave him a chance, he’d want to try. The fact that he even remotely believes that scares him as much as it makes him hopeful. It also somehow helps him get through these awful memories that are clawing at him.

He probably wouldn’t be this messed up if Dad didn’t have to leave them so abruptly all those years ago.

Calvin doesn’t notice the lag in his step, most likely oblivious to the fact that his thoughts are spiraling. “So, what happened? Did you eventually become more yourself again? Did art help?”

“Your music did. I told you that,” Miles says, too honest.

Calvin blushes. “Oh.”

They reach his car and Calvin says, “I’ve never gone through that kind of loss. I don’t think I would survive it.” It takes Miles a while to remember that they had been talking about his dad. “The kid in the music store back there, he lost his dad recently. He said he taught him how to play the guitar.”

“Yeah.” Miles didn’t think he’d survive it, either. He still hasn’t survived it. The heartache is too much, and he thinks about Dad every single day. Suddenly, his throat is too tight, and he’s blinking too much.

“He showed me a video of him on the guitar. It was really cute.” Calvin closes the door and grabs the seatbelt, and turns to Miles. “Hey. You alright?”

“Yeah.” He rubs his eyes. Shit.

“Miles,” Calvin murmurs. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reminded you of your dad.”

“You didn’t.” He needs a moment. He’ll be okay; he’s used to this. “I’m reminded of him all the time.”

“Gabby needs you right away?”

“Yeah. Well, no, she can handle anything. She’s probably just freaking out because of the rehearsal dinner tonight and that’s always a hectic time. Did you want to go somewhere first?” Miles wipes the back of his hand against his cheeks, and it comes away wet. Fucking hell. He drums his fingers against the wheel. “I… yeah. We can spare a few minutes. What do you, uh… What do you need?”

“We can visit your dad. Let me drive, just point the way.” The seat belt snaps back into place when he lets go of it.

Miles grips the wheel, leaning forward and resting his forehead against it. He closes his eyes and breathes deep .

He mumbles, “Yeah. Okay.”

***

Calvin walks up to Dad’s grave with Miles without even asking, and doesn’t say anything about how Miles’s voice croaks when he tells Dad about tomorrow’s wedding. Miles tells him about the funny old lady who turns off their business phone, and the kid in the music store, and he even tells him that Matthew and Megan are doing good. He introduces Calvin and complains about how Calvin won’t let him hear the song he’s working on, and Calvin punches him on the arm.

When he furiously wipes away the stupid tears that won’t stop coming, Calvin still doesn’t say anything. It’s so stupid, how he’s crying now, of all days. It’s so random. There’s nothing to cry about. It’s a damn good day, and he was having fun.

Calvin stops him right before he gets into the car, putting a hand on his cheek and grounding him.

“You’re really strong,” Calvin murmurs.

“Oh god.” Miles chuckles, struggling to keep from breaking down all over again. “Stop,” he says, and it comes out as a whine.

“I mean it.” Calvin kisses the corner of his mouth softly, and a restlessness within Miles settles. His chest loosens and just that simple act from Calvin makes him feel much lighter, even more when Calvin brushes his hair away from his eyes and leans their foreheads together. “You’re really, really strong. It’s impressive how you hold yourself together. ”

“It’s an act,” he mumbles, not sure he’s ever admitted that to anyone before. “I’m hanging by a thread on most days, then I crash without warning. It’s stupid. Five years and I’m still—”

“It’s called grief, Miles. It’s not stupid.” He rubs Miles’s arms. “What does your mom say about it?”

He shakes his head and buries it on Calvin’s shoulder. “Nothing, because I don’t talk to her about my bad days. I want to keep it that way, though. Don’t want her to worry about me.”

Miles feels him nod. Calvin says, “I think you should tell her.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re both going through the same thing and I think she’s just like you, bottling it up for your sake.” He stiffens and Calvin wraps his arms around his waist and squeezes him lightly. “Or talk to someone, at least. I get the impression that you don’t talk to anyone about it all.”

“I’m talking to you right now, aren’t I?”

Calvin’s chest rumbles as he laughs, and he mutters something about Miles being stubborn. “Okay, well, feel free to talk to me then. I may not know how to help exactly, but I’ll be here.”

“You’re helping a lot right now,” he admits, and maybe Calvin’s right. Maybe what he needed was to let someone see this side of him. Miles tries so hard not to let it show, too scared of being a burden to anyone again.

Miles melts into Calvin and closes his eyes. Calvin smells like vanilla soap and aftershave, which is an endearingly nice combination, and Miles noses against his neck. Fingers run through his hair gently and he can hear Calvin’s breath in his ear. They might get into trouble for taking so long to get back, but Calvin’s warm and his voice shuts the thoughts up in Miles’s head, and he doesn’t want to move an inch.