Page 52 of Our Song

This is what Tadhg tastes like, I thought, this is what it feels like when those arms are wrapped around you, pulling you closer as if he can’t get enough of you.

This is what it feels like to hear his breath catch as he pulls away from you, his teeth grazing your lower lip just for a second, before his lips meet yours again and his tongue is in your mouth, his stubble scratching your chin.

This is what it feels like to slide your hands under his T-shirt, this is what it feels like when your arms are wrapped around his bare back.

This is what it’s like when his hands are on you, under your clothes, at your heart.

This is what it’s like. At last, I thought, at last , this is what it’s like …

And for a while I didn’t think of anything at all.

I had never had a first kiss like this before. I had never had a first anything like this before.

I pulled him closer to me, kissing him harder, and in one movement he scooped me up under my thighs so that I clung to him, my legs wrapping around his waist, and then, still kissing me, he set me down on the edge of kitchen table.

He was pressed between my legs and I could feel his erection through his jeans.

Oh my God, Tadhg is hard because of me .

The idea turned me on so much I felt faint.

He pushed my skirt up, and now his hands were on my thighs, now his right hand was between my legs.

‘Is this okay?’ he said, his voice low.

I nodded. And then we were kissing again, and his hand, God I should have known he’d be good with his hands, was sliding below the waistband of my knickers and I didn’t even care that they were a very unsexy pair of Dunnes mini-shorts because now Tadhg’s fingers were moving against me in a circle and doing something extraordinary.

My face was buried in his neck and I could smell him, so familiar and now so utterly not, and I could smell me, and it was almost too much, it was all almost too much but it was glorious too.

Then he stopped, and I was about to tell him to keep going when he said, ‘I’ve got a condom in my wallet?’

He met my eyes, questioning, his gaze heavy with desire.

‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Yes. Yes .’

My breathing was ragged and so was his as he took out his wallet from his back pocket and looked for the condom. I started to undo the straining buttons on his jeans, my fingers trembling. I’m going to have sex with Tadhg , I thought. Oh my God oh my God oh my God I’m going to have sex with Tadhg …

Tadhg ripped open the condom wrapper.

But then he pulled away from me a tiny bit.

My hands fell away from the buttons.

‘You okay?’ I said.

The pause lasted way too long.

‘Laura,’ he said. ‘Um … Maybe this isn’t a good idea.’

‘What?’ A cold feeling went down my spine.

‘I mean, we’ve been drinking,’ he said. ‘I … I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret.’

I was flooded with relief. It was very good he was checking. But I wasn’t drunk and neither was he. I just wanted us to keep going.

‘Oh no, don’t worry. We’ve only had two drinks, I know what I’m doing. And we don’t have to actually, you know …’ I pointed at the condom. ‘Obviously.’ I would have been more than happy if he’d kept doing what he was doing to me moments earlier. ‘But of course if you want to stop, we’ll stop …’

‘I don’t want to stop! Fuck , I don’t. But …’

How had this all gone weird so quickly? If he really wanted to do it and I definitely wanted to do it, why weren’t we still kissing? I was suddenly very conscious that my bra was unfastened under my top. I wrapped my arms around myself.

‘Look,’ said Tadhg. He took another step back. Now he was buttoning up his jeans. ‘It’s just … I think I know how you feel about me and I don’t want to mess you around.’

It was if a bucket of ice water had been poured over my head.

‘You know what ?’ I pulled my skirt down over my thighs.

‘I know you have … feelings for me. For a while now.’

I felt sick, physically sick, with horror.

I’d thought I was being so careful. The last year with Tadhg was flashing before my eyes.

I thought of those unbearable evenings when he was going out with Jess, when I tried so hard to act as if I didn’t give a shit, when I made myself not flinch when he had his arm around her in the pub.

I thought of him seeing through my act the whole time.

I thought of him feeling sorry for me. His sad little friend with the embarrassing crush.

After all this, I was just one of the string of lovestruck girls I’d imagined at the start of the year.

The realisation was unbearable. It would have been unbearable under any circumstances but now …

Now we’d had what I’d thought was about to be the most intense sexual encounter of my life but was clearly just a tipsy ill-judged fumble as far as Tadhg was concerned, the grown-up equivalent of that post-gig kiss in 1999.

And because he was a fundamentally decent person, he didn’t want me to think it might actually mean something.

So he was stopping before we could go even further, even though it had already gone far enough to leave me feeling utterly humiliated.

How could he let things go this far if he knew how much I liked him?

How could he have kissed me like that, how could he have – oh God .

I thought of the times over that last year when I’d been convinced that we’d shared a moment, moments that were clearly all in my head.

The times I’d thought he might actually kiss me because he fancied me as much as I fancied him.

I thought of the noises I was making a few minutes ago when his hand was between my legs, before he stopped to get a condom that we were definitely not going to use now.

I wanted to die, I literally wanted to die of shame.

But I couldn’t show him how I felt. That would make me even more pathetic. And so I forced out a laugh and went on the offensive.

‘Wow, Tadhg. I knew you had a bit of an ego but I didn’t think it was that big.’

‘I didn’t mean it like that, I just mean—’

‘Do you honestly think I’ve been tragically pining for you all year?’ I snapped.

‘What? No! Of course not!’

‘Fucking hell, you’re unbelievable, do you know that? You get a bit of attention after a few gigs and what, suddenly every girl you know is madly in love with you?’

‘That’s not what I’m saying!’

‘Well, you’re right, this is a very bad idea,’ I said. I jumped down from the table with as much dignity as someone can muster when her bra is still undone.

‘Oh my God, Lol, would you calm down,’ said Tadhg, which enraged me even further. ‘I’m just trying to be, I don’t know, a gentleman!’

‘Oh yeah, you’re such a gentleman,’ I said. ‘If you don’t want to sleep with me, Tadhg, that’s fine! Just don’t tell me it’s for my own good. Christ, you’re so fucking patronising.’ There were tears in my eyes now but they were tears of anger.

‘I’m not being patronising! I think you’re amazing, it’s just …’ He looked away from me. ‘It’s me and Jess. She was at the party last night. And …’

‘And what?’

‘And something happened.’

Oh, wow. I didn’t think this could get any worse but it turned out it could.

‘Good for you,’ I said. Where the fuck was my jacket? And my bag? I spotted them on the couch and grabbed them. ‘Maybe she can write some new songs with you. God knows you need help.’

‘Okay, come on, Lol—’

‘That’s why you don’t want to “mess me around”, isn’t it?’ I snarled, pulling on my denim jacket and buttoning it up to my chin. ‘Because you need me here to make your stupid boring songs sound halfway decent.’

‘Is that really what you think?’ Tadhg looked like I’d just slapped him in the face.

And I thought, Good .

Because just in that moment, at the height of my humiliated pain, I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to make him feel as small and stupid and awful as I felt now. I wanted to wound him at his very core.

And that meant attacking the thing he cared about the most. Even if what I said wasn’t true.

‘Oh my God, of course it is.’ My voice was full of contempt. ‘Jesus, Tadhg, have you actually listened to those shitty little songs before I made them sound interesting?’

The stunned, horrified look on his face showed my arrow had hit home, and I instantly wanted to take it back. But it was too late, I couldn’t unsay it. I couldn’t undo anything.

Everything was wrecked now anyway.

‘Have a good summer.’ I marched out of the room, slamming the door after me with such force it rattled in its frame. I didn’t burst into tears until I was halfway down Camden Street.

The next day I flew to New York.

And that was that. For sixteen years.