Page 36 of Our Song

We ran through the song, me playing guitar and him singing, and I realised I was definitely right – this song had something special, something potentially better than any other song we’d done.

Tadhg’s voice made the chorus – ‘You’re gonna be my summer girl, it’s all that I dreamed of’ – sound like an anthem.

We played the two verses and choruses and then we stopped.

‘Fuck, Lol,’ he said. ‘This is good.’

‘It is, isn’t it?’ I said. ‘I mean, I wasn’t deluding myself.’

Not about the song, anyway.

‘Definitely not,’ he said. ‘Let’s play it again.’

It sounded just as good this time.

‘The chorus feels a bit short,’ I said. ‘And we need to come up with a middle eight.’

‘We will,’ said Tadhg.

Of course, we didn’t come up with a middle eight that day.

But we did spend the afternoon playing music together, and it was almost normal.

Almost but not quite. When there was a moment of quiet I found myself babbling random nonsense about guitar pedals or possible future gigs, anything to fill the silence in case he filled it by telling me how amazing his Stephen’s Day visit to Wicklow was.

When we’d finished playing, Tadhg said, ‘Do you want to go for a drink? There’s a pub just around the corner.’

I knew that if we were just hanging out in the pub, without music to focus on, we couldn’t avoid the subject of Jess all night. There was only so much babbling even I could do. So I said, ‘Nah, I’d better head.’

‘Do you want a lift home?’ he said.

As the alternative was getting two buses or calling my parents like an actual child, I said, ‘Yes, please.’

Neither of us said much during the short drive. He didn’t suggest meeting up again before the end of the holidays, and neither did I.

It would have been easier if I could have told myself he didn’t really like Jess.

It would have been easier if she’d been horrible, if she’d been mean and unattractive and obnoxious and I could have told myself he clearly had terrible taste.

But he did really like her. She was nice and friendly and incredibly smart.

I mean, she was doing that master’s – she was evidently smarter than I was.

And she was taller and hotter than I was.

More everything than I was, basically. I couldn’t pretend otherwise.

And I couldn’t even indulge myself by hating her and bitching about her because she was so fucking nice.

The first time I saw them together was bad. A bunch of us were in the pub on Friday night, and I hadn’t realised that Jess was joining us until Tadhg’s face lit up and there she was.

‘Hi, gorgeous,’ she said with a grin, kissing him on the mouth.

It was the grin that got to me more than the kiss.

It stopped ‘hi, gorgeous’ sounding revoltingly cheesy and made it sound like their in-joke.

Seeing them look at each other fondly, seeing her whisper in his ear, seeing his arm around her shoulders – it was as exquisitely painful as I had feared it would be.

After about an hour I had to go to the loos and cry, just for a second.

It was that or cry in front of him, which I vowed I would never, ever do.

And as I leaned against the door of the cubicle I kept thinking it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fucking fair .

I hadn’t been totally deluded when I thought there was something between me and him.

Katie had thought so too, and she had urged me to do something about it.

There had been a reason I kept hoping, a reason I had been convinced we would have our moment.

But whatever it was hadn’t been enough, or I hadn’t been enough, and now here I was, crying in a toilet, and Jess was out there wrapped in his arms.

When I was walking back to the table, I could see her say something that sent him into a fit of laughter. Somehow that bit was the worst of all.

As the months went by, Tadhg and I still met up regularly for lunch or a quick cup of tea, and we still had our bus journeys out to band practice, but most of the time we saw each other in groups.

And increasingly, Jess was there too. One Saturday in February, as we were finishing up the practice, Tadhg said, ‘Jess might drop into the Stag’s later if that’s okay? ’

‘Of course!’ I said, and the others agreed, but for the first time I felt properly angry with him rather than with the universe or myself.

I was well aware my annoyance was childish and unreasonable, but I couldn’t help it.

For fuck’s sake, could we not even have our Saturday pub sessions?

What next? Was he going to invite her to join the band?

I tried to fight these bitter feelings as I sat next to him on the crowded bus into town, but I mustn’t have been doing a great job because he said, ‘Are you okay? You’re a bit quiet. ’

I turned to look at him, wide-eyed. ‘Oh no, I’m fine! Just a bit tired. And I’m thinking about the gig.’

We were going to play our first headline gig in two weeks, in the same venue where we’d supported Sourpuss. This time they would be supporting us. Despite my feeble protests, we were still, at the insistence of the others, called The Band Laura’s In.

‘It’s mad, isn’t it? Our first headline gig already!’ said Tadhg.

‘I’m worried we don’t have enough songs,’ I said. ‘We can’t even finish that song I wrote at Christmas.’

‘We have more than enough!’ said Tadhg. ‘Are you okay with playing ‘On My Mind’? It’s ready, right?’

I wasn’t even vaguely okay with playing ‘On My Mind’.

‘On My Mind’ was Tadhg’s newest song and it was very clearly about Jess.

Writing a guitar line for it that he said turned the song from ordinary to special, then playing that guitar line while he sang about Jess so tenderly, was absolute hell.

But it was a good song. I couldn’t lie and say it still needed a few more tweaks.

‘Of course it’s ready,’ I said.

‘Okay, great.’ He was visibly relieved.

‘Did you not think it was?’ I asked.

Tadhg shrugged. ‘I mean, I hoped it was. But it’s hard to judge. And you know, playing music, writing songs … I know this sounds wanky but it’s, like, everything to me. I mean, it really is all I want to do with my life. I just hope I’m good enough.’

Tadhg had never been cocky, but now there was a vulnerability in his voice I’d never really heard before. Despite my annoyance about Jess, my heart went out to him. I knew how he felt, after all.

‘You’re good enough,’ I said.

Half an hour later we were in the snug, good-naturedly arguing over what song we should play at the upcoming college battle of the bands.

The winners got to play the Trinity Ball, the massive end-of-year black-tie extravaganza.

They played at the very beginning of the night, before half the attendees had even turned up, but still – you got to go to the Ball for free!

‘We’ve got to play ‘Midnight Feast’,’ said Tadhg.

‘I think we should play a really loud one,’ said Joanna. ‘Oh, hi Jess!’

‘Budge up there, Laura, let Jess in,’ said Brian.

‘Sorry, of course!’ I said.

I budged and Jess slid into the banquette between me and Tadhg.

He put his arm around her shoulders and the two of them exchanged a look of such mutual affection that, to my shame, I had to dig my nails into my palms to stop my eyes filling with tears.

I had never felt anything like the jealousy I felt when she was around, a corrosive mixture of pain and anger and a resentment that I knew in my heart wasn’t justified, which added guilt to the toxic mix.

But I plastered on a smile and said, ‘Okay! I’m going to the bar. What are you drinking, Jess?’

‘Pint of Guinness, please!’ she said, snuggling into Tadhg’s side. ‘Thanks a million.’

It wasn’t the first time I’d seen them together, of course, but somehow seeing her here, in our place, in our little world, was just too much for me.

Katie was going through one of her smoking phases, and when I got back from the bar with the drinks she took one look at my face and said, ‘I’m going out for a fag. Come with me, Lol?’

I followed her outside. Once we were out in Dame Lane, she handed me a cigarette, lit it and her own and said, ‘You can’t go on like this.’

‘I don’t have a choice,’ I said.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘You do. You could put some distance between you and him. It’s hurting you too much.’

‘How can I put distance between us?’ I said. ‘We’re in a band together!’

Katie took a drag of her cigarette and exhaled. ‘You could leave the band.’

‘ What? ’

‘You could leave the band,’ she said again.

‘I can’t leave the band!’

‘Why not?’ said Katie.

‘Because it’s … because it’s the band !’

‘You could start another band,’ said Katie. ‘You’re so talented, Lol. If you wanted, you could get a whole new band together tomorrow.’

‘But I don’t want to!’ I said. ‘I want …’

What did I want? I wanted to make music with the band. I wanted to hang out with Tadhg. I wanted Tadhg to be in love with me.

Two out of three wasn’t too bad, right?

‘I want this band,’ I said. ‘And I want to stay friends with him.’

‘But it’s making you so unhappy,’ she said.

‘That’ll wear off,’ I said. ‘It’s just because him and Jess is still so new.’

‘It’s been nearly two months,’ said Katie.

‘I’m not leaving the band,’ I said. ‘I’m not letting fucking Jess push me out of my own band.’ I stubbed out the cigarette I had barely inhaled. ‘I’m serious, Katie. I’m not losing my band as well.’

Word of The Band Laura’s In had clearly spread, because on the night of our headline gig there was a queue outside the venue before the doors opened.

I sneaked in Annie and her best friend, Roo – they were barely seventeen and looked so young that if they’d tried to pay in they would definitely have been asked for ID they didn’t have.