Page 50 of Our Song

He’s looking at me now, all scruffy and happy, and my heart aches.

I can barely manage my feelings for him now, when he and I are only seeing each other in this songwriting bubble.

But what about when he’s out touring again?

What about the next time he’s invited to some swanky celebrity party?

What if he starts seeing someone? It was agony sitting there watching him and Jess when I was twenty-one, pretending I didn’t care, going off to the loo to cry when it all got too much.

I’m never, ever going to put myself through anything like that again.

If I accept his offer, could I handle working with him every single day, going on tour with him, helping him write songs about other women?

Could I handle being financially dependent on him, at least for a while?

I don’t think so. And what’s more important, do I want to handle it?

When I was twenty-one, I’d have said yes to this offer straight away.

I’d have given up any job to play music with him full-time.

I wouldn’t have had to think about it, even though it could have caused me huge pain in the long run.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, feelings of misery and jealousy are the same.

But what changes with age is what you choose to do with them.

I’m thirty-seven now. I’m too old to be an emotional masochist. Back in 2003 I stayed in the band even though my heart was breaking. But that was then. And this is now.

And besides, it’s not just about my feelings for him.

It’s about my whole life. It’s about changing everything I thought I knew about my future.

My advertising career could be seriously taking off.

My interesting, challenging career that I care about.

Could I really just abandon it? And for a man who broke my heart over a decade ago, and might well break it again without even realising it?

I know I want to keep playing music. And I know I want to keep playing it with Tadhg.

But it’s anything but straightforward. I thought I’d rediscovered the old Laura over the last few weeks, but now I see I haven’t.

I’ve discovered a new Laura. A new Laura who wants music in her life, who needs music in her life, but not at any price.

I need to weigh it all up. I need to figure out what I will put up with and what I won’t.

I have a lot to think about, and none of it will be easy.

‘Laura?’ says Tadhg. ‘Lol?’

I realise I haven’t said anything for a weirdly long time. I pull myself together. ‘Sorry! Sorry.’

‘So what do you say?’ he says. ‘About keeping this going? You can play at the gig in August and we’ll take it from there.’

And I say, ‘I need to think about it a bit.’

Tadhg laughs. ‘What’s there to think about?’

His laugh needles me, just a little. He’s taking it for granted I’ll jump at this.

‘Lots of things!’ I say. ‘I’m sorry, I just need to be totally sure it’s a good idea.’

‘Seriously?’ Tadhg looks genuinely surprised. ‘I don’t get it. This has been going so well.’

‘Well, yes, apart from my very public humiliation …’

‘I just don’t understand why you want to stop.’

‘I didn’t say I wanted to stop! I just said I had to think about it.’

‘Okay, okay, I get it, I just thought …’ He trails off.

‘You just thought what?’ I say.

‘I thought you’d be more enthusiastic,’ he says.

‘It’s not that simple,’ I say.

‘Seriously?’ he says. ‘Because I thought it would be a no-brainer!’

I keep my voice light. ‘Oh you did, did you?’

‘Well, yeah,’ he says. ‘I mean, what have you got to lose?’

I put down my cup. ‘What have I got to lose ?’

‘You know what I mean. What else would you be doing right now? After you lost your job and everything?’

‘Tadhg,’ I say, trying to keep the irritation out of my voice and failing. ‘You do know I wasn’t actually fired, don’t you? I’m good at writing ads. I actually like writing ads. I’m literally being headhunted by top agencies. You were there last week when Jeanne told me someone wanted to hire me!’

‘Sorry, I know, I know.’ Tadhg is all contrition. ‘But wouldn’t you … Wouldn’t you rather do this?’

And the truth is that of course I would, despite how much I’ve loved my advertising career.

Rediscovering this part of me has been like letting sunlight into a room I didn’t even realise was dark.

But his assumption that I’d drop everything in my life for it, the way he assumed Hugo would listen to him, that the café would deliver to him, the restaurant would have a table for him, the assumption that it was a ‘no-brainer’…

I take a deep breath. ‘Look, working with you has been brilliant, despite all the media bollocks. And it’s great that we’re …

that we’re friends again. But you know, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest I spend a few minutes considering whether I should turn down an amazing career opportunity and change my whole life for you. ’

‘Of course it’s not,’ says Tadhg. ‘I’m sorry. I’m being a dick.’

‘It’s okay,’ I say.

And then he says, ‘It’s just, well, being able to do this for you really means a lot to me. And I’d like to keep doing it.’

I freeze.

‘Do this for me ?’ I look at him and his smile dims a little bit when he takes in the expression on my face.

‘Ah, you know what I mean,’ he says.

‘Is that how you see the last two weeks?’ I’m trying to hide how hurt I feel. And how angry. ‘You doing something for me? Like, out of the goodness of your heart?’

‘No, that’s not what I meant! I’m just glad I can, you know, give you the opportunity to work on music instead of ads.’

‘I thought you contacted me because you wanted me to do something for you . Or at least with you.’

‘I did. I do!’

‘Okay,’ I say. ‘So why are you talking like you’re … you’re saving me from my perfectly good life? And why are you taking it for granted that I’ll drop everything and let you?’

And then I realise why this whole conversation is upsetting me so much.

‘Oh shit,’ I say. ‘You really do think I’m your little Cinderella.’

He’s not even the romantic handsome prince in this fairy-tale scenario. He’s the fairy godfather.

‘Of course I don’t!’ he says. ‘Lol, come on, that’s not what’s been happening. We’re a team.’

I’d thought we were. But maybe I was wrong.

‘Okay,’ I say. ‘Look me in the eyes and tell me that since you decided to contact me you’ve never felt, not for one second , like you were doing me a big favour.’

He meets my gaze, his eyes troubled. There’s just a moment of silence. But it’s enough.

‘I knew it,’ I say. Although I hadn’t really known it until now. I really had thought we were a team again. I thought we were equals. But maybe we never can be. Maybe we never were, as far as he was concerned. Maybe that’s what this is all about.

Saint Tadhg. Fuck it, I should have known. I should have known.

‘Laura, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean … I just wanted to work with you again.’

I can’t believe I’m having this conversation in Tadhg’s sister’s pyjamas. I think I need to leave. I don’t want to talk to him any more right now because I have no idea what I might say. I might tell him everything, including how I feel about him. And that would really wreck everything. Forever.

I take a deep breath.

‘You know what,’ I say. ‘This is a lot for this hour of the morning. I think I should go home for a while. I need a change of clothes anyway.’

‘Don’t go, Lol. Please.’

He follows me out into the hall and stands there as I climb the stairs, nearly tripping over the stupid too-long pyjamas.

‘Can we just talk about this?’

‘We will. But not right now,’ I say. ‘Seriously, Tadhg. Not right now.’

I throw my clothes on, grab my charger and my bag and go down the stairs. Tadhg is still in the hall. He moves aside to let me pass.

‘Lol, I just want you to know …’ He looks really upset. ‘I don’t take you for granted. I never did.’

I wish I could believe him.

‘I’ll talk to you later,’ I say, and walk out the door.

As I fumble with the lock of the gate and finally, swearing, manage to get it open, I thank God it’s barely eight o’clock and there’s no one in the park to see me stumble out in this state. I haven’t even been able to brush my hair.

And as I walk down the road in the vintage dress he told me looked nice less than twenty-four hours ago, my hair still faintly smelling of last night’s smoke, I think of another time, another conversation, many years ago, when I realised I’d got things very wrong about us and ended up walking down a street alone.

Maybe this is how me and Tadhg always ends.