Page 46 of Our Song

By the time the first band started playing, the crowd was spilling out of the house and into the front and back gardens.

There were people on the stairs, people in the bedrooms, a couple shifting in the bath (thankfully the toilet was in a separate room).

Ruairí’s careful list-checking had been abandoned by about eleven.

It felt like everyone I’d ever known over the last four years was there.

I lost track of Tadhg for a while, and then, when I was out in the fairy-light-covered back garden, he appeared in front of me, reached out his hand and said, ‘There you are! We’re on! ’

He led me through the crowded garden, through the happy, hot, sweaty throng that packed the house, and to the stage area, where Brian was getting in place behind the drums. Tadhg had already brought our instruments from the scullery, where we’d left them at the start of the night, and when Joanna hurried onto the stage wearing an amazing slinky pink dress, he handed her her bass.

Then he stepped up to the mic and casually said, ‘Good evening!’

The crowd cheered. And, miraculously, the chatter died down. That stage presence again.

‘We’re The Band Laura’s In,’ said Tadhg. ‘And this is our very last gig.’

There were noises of outrage from the crowd.

‘The amazing Joanna Smyth and Brian O’Hara are leaving the country for academic glory,’ Tadhg went on. ‘But before we say goodbye to them we’re playing one last show. And our first song is called ‘Anyone But You’.’

I wish I remembered every second of that gig.

I wish I remembered exactly what songs we played in what order.

I wish I remembered what Tadhg said between songs.

But while I might not remember the details of that gig, I do remember how I felt.

I felt like I had magic in my hands, and I was making magic stream from my guitar.

I felt that the four of us were a gang and that, whatever happened, we always would be.

I felt such a strong connection with Tadhg it seemed impossible he didn’t feel it too.

I felt like the audience loved us. I felt like I had felt the first time I played a gig with Tadhg.

I felt like a goddess.

Then I smashed down the last chord of ‘Midnight Feast’, and it was over.

The crowd lost their shit. The entire building felt like it was shaking (worryingly, it possibly was). Brian looked like he was about to cry as he wrapped Tadhg in a big bear hug. Joanna was definitely crying as I hugged her.

‘We’ll do it again some day,’ I said. ‘It’s not over forever.’

‘Right,’ said Tadhg, ‘I need a drink. Do you want anything, Lol? Jo?’

‘I’m good,’ I said, holding up a half-full can of Bulmers.

‘Can you get me a beer?’ said Joanna.

‘I may be some time,’ said Tadhg. ‘I think Ruairí locked our rider of Dutch Gold out in the shed.’

Tadhg headed off through the crowd. Several girls stopped him on his way out of the room, including a tall girl with glossy black hair who’d been standing right in front of him during the set, but he just smiled politely and kept going.

‘Getting ready for my DJ set?’ said Fiachra, emerging from the crowd and looking immaculate for a man I had seen sitting up a tree in the back garden sharing a spliff with some fellow future psychologists an hour ago. ‘You were great, by the way.’

‘Thanks very much,’ I said.

‘And you look incredible,’ he said.

‘So do you,’ I said.

Oh, he really did look good in that suit. And Tadhg wouldn’t be back for a while. And I was on a post-gig high, a mixture of adrenalin and endorphins and music and God knows what else.

The next thing I knew Fiachra and I were kissing under the fairy lights on the edge of the makeshift dancefloor. Until a loud voice said, ‘Oh come on, you two, get a room.’

We pulled apart to see Ruairí shaking his head. ‘Actually, don’t get a room.’ He pointed at Fiachra. ‘You’re on in two minutes.’

He disappeared into the crowd and Fiachra said, ‘Sorry. Duty calls.’

‘Break a leg,’ I said.

‘God, I hope I don’t,’ he said. ‘I want to dance with you later.’ He kissed me on the cheek and disappeared into the crowd.

Then Katie was grabbing my hand and pulling me onto the dance floor, Tadhg came back with a beer in each hand, Fiachra put on ‘Burning Down the House’ by Talking Heads and the real party began.

Despite how it ended, that was still one of the best dancing nights of my life.

It was one of those nights where everything the DJ plays is exactly what you want to hear at that moment, where every bassline, every beat, is danceable and filled with joy.

The dance floor was hot and sweaty and magnificent and I wanted to dance all night, I wanted to dance forever.

About fifty minutes into his set, Fiachra put on the new Beyoncé song ‘Crazy in Love’ and it was like an explosion of happiness.

Tadhg was a few feet away from me on the dance floor.

He held out his hand to me and I took it and he twirled me around, just for a moment, and then we both kept dancing. And smiling. We couldn’t stop smiling.

I’m going to kiss him tonight , I thought. I know it .

There wasn’t a single dud song in Fiachra’s set and none of us wanted to stop dancing. Every so often someone would get a bottle of water from the kitchen and we’d pass it around. But eventually all the water drinking had the inevitable result.

‘I’m going to the loo!’ I yelled in Katie’s ear.

There were only two in the whole giant house, and I figured the upstairs one might have a smaller queue.

It might have been smaller, but it was still pretty long.

I stood there next to a girl wearing a tattered turquoise fifties dress, a tiara and a prom-queen sash who was quietly puking into a pint glass.

The music was almost as loud up there as it was in the main room.

After I finally made it to the loo, I looked at myself in the toothpaste-splattered mirror above the sink.

My eyes looked huge beneath my fringe, which was behaving itself for once.

My curls looked bouncy. My skin was glowing.

The dress was as ridiculously flattering as it was the first time I’d tried it on.

If he doesn’t fancy me tonight , I thought, he’ll never fancy me .

This was it. I was going to go downstairs and finally take action.

I took a deep breath and went back to the dining room.

Ruairí was behind the decks now. The dance floor was a mass of people, boys in suits, girls in everything from 1970s nighties to big 1980s prom dresses.

I scanned the room, looking for Tadhg, and then I saw him at the far side of the room, standing close to the girl from earlier, the one with the glossy black hair.

I saw her wrap her arms around Tadhg’s neck and kiss him.

I saw Tadhg put his hands around her waist and kiss her back.

Everything froze, just for a second.

Even when he’s single again , I thought, even when I’m looking the hottest I’ve ever looked, the hottest I could possibly look in my life, he chooses someone else. I didn’t even get a chance to try.

This is it. There’s no hope.

I turned on my heel and ran.

I couldn’t face anyone I knew right then, so I hurried up the stairs, past couples getting off with each other, past some of the newspaper gang having an argument, past a drunk boy who had fallen asleep on the first-floor landing.

I kept climbing until I reached the top of the house, three floors up.

Then I sat down. When I first saw him kissing Jess I had felt nothing but pain.

Now the pain was overlaid with exhaustion.

I didn’t want to feel like this anymore.

I didn’t want to care so much about him anymore.

After a while I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and tried to pull myself together. But when I saw who it was, my shoulders sagged with relief.

‘There you are!’ said Fiachra. ‘Bloody hell, those stairs are steep. I’ve been looking for you. Are you okay?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘I’m really not.’

I was so tired of pretending to be okay. Why did I keep pretending?

‘Is it Tim?’ said Fiachra. He sat down next to me and put an arm around me. ‘Or Tadhg? Or whatever his name is?’

I pulled back from his embrace and stared at him. ‘How do you know?’ A wave of horror washed over me. ‘Does everyone know?’

Ah yes. This was why I kept pretending to be okay. This feeling of appalled humiliation.

‘No, everyone doesn’t know,’ said Fiachra gently. ‘I didn’t know until, like, two minutes ago. I saw your face when you spotted him with that girl. You looked … well, you looked kind of devastated. Just for a second. And then you literally ran out of the room.’

‘Do you think other people noticed?’

‘I really doubt many people down there were capable of noticing anything,’ he said. ‘Most of them have taken a bunch of yokes by this stage.’

‘You can still notice stuff when you’re on yokes,’ I said with feeling.

‘Words to live by,’ said Fiachra. ‘But seriously, Laura. Don’t worry. I just noticed you because I was … Fuck, it feels weird and wrong to say it now.’

‘I’m beyond weird and wrong now,’ I said. ‘Say whatever you want, I won’t mind.’

‘Okay. Well, I was looking over at you and thinking how sensational your tits look in that dress,’ he said.

‘They do, don’t they?’ I said sadly.

‘They look amazing,’ he said. ‘It’s a great dress.’

‘Tadhg doesn’t care what they look like,’ I said. ‘He doesn’t care what any part of me looks like.’

‘Are you sure about that?’

‘Fiachra,’ I said, ‘he just got off with some random girl in front of me.’

Fiachra didn’t say anything for a moment. He just put his arm around me again and I laid my head on his shoulder. It felt nice. It felt comforting.

Then he said, ‘Laura?’

‘Uh-huh?’

‘Are you in love with him?’

‘In love with Tadhg?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I think I’ve been in love with him,’ I said, ‘since the moment I met him.’

‘So me and you,’ he said slowly. ‘Has that all been a … distraction? From him?’

I put my head in my hands. ‘Oh shit, I’m sorry.’

He kissed the top of my head. ‘Absolutely no need to apologise. Glad to be of service. It’s been, and I can say this with my hand on my heart, an absolute pleasure.’

‘You and me,’ I said, ‘it’s been really fun. And so good for me. But I love Tadhg. It’s so stupid, but I really do.’

‘And you’re sure he doesn’t feel the same way?’ said Fiachra. ‘Because every time I’ve seen you on stage there’s definitely a vibe between you.’

‘There is no vibe,’ I said, my voice breaking on the last word. I let out a shaky breath. ‘Seriously, Fiachra. There’s no vibe.’

‘Okay,’ said Fiachra. ‘Well, if you really feel like that …’

‘I don’t just feel like that,’ I said. ‘I know that.’

‘Fine,’ said Fiachra. ‘If you know that, then I think it’s a good idea for you to keep your distance from him for a while. When are you off to New York?’

‘The tenth of June,’ I said. ‘Just after my last exam.’

‘So in a month, basically. Okay. Well, just tell him you’ve got to focus on your exams until then. No band practice, no hanging out. Nothing.’

‘I can’t—’

‘Yes, you can,’ said Fiachra firmly. ‘You can.’ There was something about his voice that made me believe him.

It hit me for the first time that he could make a very good psychologist some day.

‘It’s just for a few weeks. Then you’ll go to New York, you’ll have an amazing time, you’ll meet cool American boys, and you’ll forget about Tadhg for a while.

You’re not saying goodbye to him forever – you’ll see him and start your band again when you get back in September.

But until then you can … get him out of your system.

Have fun without him. You can do it. I know you can do it.

For yourself. I don’t like seeing you so unhappy, Laura.

He’s been making you unhappy, hasn’t he? ’

I sighed, slowly.

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Not on purpose. But he has.’

‘Well,’ said Fiachra. ‘There you go.’ He looked at me, his brown eyes full of kindness.

‘Do you want to stay up here? Or go back to the party? Or do you want to go home? I’ll get your stuff and find you a taxi if you do.

Your home, I mean,’ he added. ‘I don’t think you want to go to my place tonight. ’

I put my arms around him and he hugged me tightly.

‘Home, please,’ I said. ‘And thanks, Fee.’

‘Any time, Laura,’ he said. ‘Any time.’