Page 22 of Our Song

But I was also aware that I could never, ever reveal these feelings to him – not unless I was a hundred per cent sure he returned them.

I didn’t want to be the latest in a long line of female friends who revealed their love to an embarrassed Tadhg.

The idea of him kindly telling me he didn’t fancy me was too horrific.

He might say he was flattered by Caoimhe fancying him, but that was just him being a gentleman.

No one’s immediate reaction to being told that a friend has unrequited feelings for them is ‘Oh, what a lovely compliment!’.

It’s ‘Oh God, this is really fucking awkward – why the hell did they have to say anything?’.

I couldn’t bear the thought of that. I couldn’t bear him feeling sorry for me, and maybe feeling guilty about hurting me, and then resenting me for making him feel guilty, and then drifting away from me.

And besides the general awfulness, that would destroy any chance of having him as a bandmate.

And a friend. Today had reminded me how much I simply liked him.

I couldn’t mess that up. No, I would always behave in a strictly platonic fashion unless given very, very explicit indications otherwise.

I wanted to ask Tadhg if he was going out with anyone now, but I didn’t trust myself to sound cool and disinterested when I said it.

But then he said, ‘So, what about you? Are you seeing anyone at the moment?’

‘No, not right now,’ I said, as breezily as I could, as if I were temporarily between boyfriends and another one would doubtless come along in a minute.

‘Same here,’ he said, and my heart soared.

Then I glanced at Tadhg’s watch and realised it was after ten o’clock. My heart wanted to stay here with Tadhg until they kicked us out, but my brain knew it was definitely time to quit while I was ahead, before I said anything I’d regret in the morning.

‘I should probably go,’ I said regretfully.

‘Oh, really?’ Was I imagining it, or did Tadhg sound genuinely disappointed? Just a little bit?

‘Yeah, I’ve got a nine o’clock tutorial tomorrow,’ I said. ‘It should be a crime to arrange nine o’clock classes on a Friday.’

‘Where’s your bus stop?’ said Tadhg, as we gathered our jackets and bags.

‘Westmoreland Street,’ I said.

‘I’ll walk you down there.’

‘Ah, you don’t have to,’ I said, although I really wanted him to.

‘It’s no problem,’ he said. ‘It’s basically on my way.’

So we walked out of the Buttery and across Front Square, the cobbles glistening with rain that must have fallen while we were cosily ensconced in the windowless pub, through Front Arch and out into College Green.

‘You’re not too cold, are you?’ said Tadhg. I was wearing a denim jacket, which had been fine in the daytime when the early October sun was still mild but was proving itself to be inadequate now. ‘You can borrow my hoodie, if you need it. My jacket’s pretty warm.’

‘If you’re sure you won’t be too cold …’

‘I won’t be,’ he said. ‘I got this jacket in a Vincent de Paul shop down in Cork and it’s way warmer than it looks.

’ He took it off – it was corduroy lined in silk, which explained the warmth – removed his hoodie and put it around my shoulders.

I had to fight the undoubtedly creepy-looking urge to hold the fabric to my face and smell it.

‘Better?’ he said.

‘Much,’ I said. We crossed the road at the Bank of Ireland. ‘My teeth were about to start chattering before I put this on.’

I wished my bus stop was further away but here it was. ‘Well, this is me.’

‘I’ll wait for you till the bus comes,’ he said.

‘I mean, if you’re sure it won’t put you out …’

‘I’m grand,’ said Tadhg. ‘I’m not in a hurry.’

I would have been happy to wait there with him for hours. Though obviously I didn’t say that either.

‘Oh, before I forget,’ he said, reaching into his jacket pocket and taking out a phone, ‘can I give you my mobile number? I’m not going to risk losing you again.’

‘Oh yeah, good idea,’ I said, as casually as I could.

‘Can you give me your phone?’ he said. I handed over my aqua-blue Nokia. ‘I’m going to put myself in as Tadhg. You don’t know any other Tadhgs, do you?’

‘I don’t,’ I say. ‘Or Tims. Give me your phone.’ He passed it to me and I opened the contacts. ‘I’ll put myself in as Laura Guitarist.’

‘Just put Laura,’ said Tadhg. ‘You’re the only Laura in my life.’

For a moment we stood there, smiling at each other. Was I completely deluded or was there something happening between us this evening? There was, wasn’t there? Were we almost … flirting?

But Caoimhe had probably thought they were flirting too.

‘Oh, there’s my bus!’ I saw the number 16 approach with a mixture of relief and disappointment. ‘Here, quick, take your hoodie.’

‘You’ll need it for the walk home,’ he said. The bus was pulling up now. ‘You can give it back to me on Saturday. At the practice. Why don’t we get the bus out there together? We could meet at Front Gate of college at twelve.’

‘Oh! Yeah, sure.’ The doors of the bus were opening. There was no time for a grand farewell. ‘Well, see you then!’

When I took my seat upstairs, I did bury my face in the fabric of the hoodie. It smelled of washing powder and a fresh green scent that I guessed was his shower gel or deodorant, and under that was a pleasant, clean, slightly musky boy smell that I suppose was basically just … Tadhg.

The weather was even colder by the time I got off the bus and started walking the short distance home, but I felt warm and toasty inside. And it wasn’t just because of the hoodie.