Page 18

William

Later that morning, I lay in bed trying to figure out how I’d made it to my room. I gave up once my headache started pounding. The last thing I recalled was falling asleep on the dining room table to the sounds of Ryan playing the violin. Ryan.

I rolled toward my nightstand for my phone, checking the time. A little past noon.

Tossing the covers off, I discovered myself naked and crusted with cum underneath. I took a quick shower and dressed before heading for my closed bedroom door. A note waited there for me.

I want to go to Safe Haven.

Ryan wasn’t in his bedroom, so I hurried toward the living room, my steps faltering on its threshold. He waited by the window, staring into the rain with his wool coat on.

“Hey,” I said in a soft voice, suddenly feeling sick. I held up the sheet of paper. “I got your note.”

His expression wasn’t neutral, but it wasn’t emotive either. I couldn’t decipher his thoughts, but I got the impression he wasn’t holding back on purpose. He seemed resigned. He’d made up his mind, and the only thing left to do now was leave.

“I was actually going to talk to you about this today. I think it’s the right decision.” After the night we had, both at the gala and when we returned home, I knew it was time to broach the topic again. I thought it would’ve taken some convincing, though. Thought I’d get a few more days with him before we set off. Now I’d have to get used to spending most of my day without him.

“I could drop you off in the mornings.” I walked into the room. “And pick you up in the…” my words stalled after rounding the couch and seeing the packed duffle bag near his feet. “...evenings.” Realization hit me. He didn’t have plans to come back home. Has this ever been his home?

He lifted the small notepad and pencil I hadn’t noticed him holding. He’d anticipated needing them, knew I’d try to talk him out of this. He scribbled across a fresh sheet, moving faster than he had just weeks ago. He passed it to me.

I want to stay there.

“Yeah, I can see that.” I tried not to sound bitter

about it. “Is this about what happened in the dining room? Did I do something wrong?” Something you can’t forgive?

He shook his head no, his gaze now tender, but his shoulders still set in determination.

“Give me a few minutes to change, then we can go.” I shut myself in my room, falling back against the door. This is a good thing. This will be good for him. We can still be… friends. All the convincing in the world couldn’t erase the fear swirling around in my gut. I should’ve wanted this for him. I did want it for him. I tried hard to.

I swapped my thermals for a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, then made a quick call to Safe Haven, alerting them of our impending arrival.

Ryan was already waiting by the front door, bag hanging from his shoulder, hand on the knob. He couldn’t get away from me fast enough. I grabbed my coat from the hall closet, and we left without another word.

I took my time getting to Safe Haven, telling myself I needed to drive carefully in the rain. A convenient excuse to hold on to him a little longer.

Safe Haven was a gated community tucked away from the city limits, surrounded by acres of untouched land. Land I owned. Beyond the multiple layers of security required to enter, stood the three-story community hall—constructed to resemble a home—down to the gabled roof and shuttered windows. It was warm and inviting, and matched the aesthetic of the residential housing behind it.

I pulled into a guest parking spot, threw the car in park and shifted to face Ryan. I’d been about to tell him he could change his mind at any time. That all he’d have to do was have someone from the staff call me and I’d be here in the blink of an eye. But he was already out of the car, opening his umbrella as he rounded the trunk with his things.

I led the way into the community hall, the heart and soul of the place, and the first stop for any visit to Safe Haven. Everyone had to register here, and the only way to gain access to the rest of the property was through the courtyard—only accessible from the hall.

Ryan took in the scope of the place, eyes darting around as I dropped both our wet umbrellas into the holder near the entrance. From the cozy sitting area across from the lit inglenook fireplace, to the quotes about survival, hope, and strength framed along the walls.

Up ahead, past the plush, twelve-piece circular couch—where many of the staff and residents often communed for game nights—Peggy stood from her desk, meeting us halfway.

“Mr. Mayes,” she greeted cheerfully, her Safe Haven nameplate pinned to her white shirt. “And you must be Ryan.” She turned to him, exuding the motherly warmth she was known and loved for. She didn’t take offense to his lack of response.

“This is Jackie,” she indicated over my shoulder. The petite, younger woman approached, saying hello to us all. “If it’s okay with you, Ryan, she’ll help you get registered in one of the offices in the back. She’ll answer any questions you may have, before showing you where you’ll be staying.”

Ryan gripped the strap of his bag, wringing it between his hands before nodding once. He avoided my gaze as he followed Jackie through a door.

“He’s non-verbal,” I told Peggy once we were alone. “He’ll need lots of paper and pencils. Pencils not pens. He’s still learning, and often needs to erase things to start over.” I glanced at the door Ryan disappeared through. “Are there pencils back there?”

“Yes, Mr. Mayes,” Peggy assured me. “I passed on your instructions to Jackie after our call earlier.”

“Okay, good,” I whispered, having already forgotten about the call. “He likes Eggos and bagels. Don’t make either too crispy. And caramel popcorn. And—”

“Judy Blume books,” she cut in, her smile warm and knowing. “We’ve got it from here, Mr. Mayes.” She stepped closer and laid a wrinkled hand on my back, ushering me toward the entrance. I whipped my head around, as though I’d expected to see Ryan flying through the door, begging me to take him back home.

“You know the drill, right?”

“No contact for the first seventy-two hours,” I muttered. There were certain exceptions to the rule. We’d never keep anyone from their family. But typically, family members weren’t tracked down that fast, and if they were, the survivors often went home with them instead of coming here.

The rule mostly applied to the authorities, who sometimes wanted to ask follow up questions. If the individual agreed, we allowed it. If not, we protected their right to decide. The rule also applied to me, who tended to be overly invested in the progress and recovery of the residents who stayed with me before transitioning here.

My check-ins became a sort of security blanket to them. So I understood. They needed to get used to their new environment. I guess this was how parents felt when dropping their kids off at school for the first time.

“He’ll be fine,” Peggy said softly, rubbing my shoulder.

I sighed. “Yeah, I know.” I wasn’t so sure about myself.

I returned to a quiet apartment. And not the type of quiet I’d grown used to, the kind where I was the only verbal occupant. It was the kind that whispered: “You’re alone.”

What did I do with myself now? I could already feel the voices waking up.

Kicking off my wet shoes, I headed for the one place—the one thing—that might help. I went to the library to check in with Gargantuan, texting Davidson with an update on my way there. He replied instantly.

Davidson: I’m glad to hear it. Safe Haven will be good for him.

I couldn’t find it in me right then to agree. At least he hadn’t outright made it about his investigation.

Davidson: How are you holding up?

Me: That’s to be seen.

I didn’t bother reading his follow up text. I wasn’t in the mood to be cheered up, or to share my feelings on the matter. I exhaled as I entered the library.

I hadn’t read my favorite book in weeks. Months even. I hadn’t needed to. I had Ryan. The book wasn’t on the shelf dedicated to it. The one that didn’t get much sunlight, sandwiched between two dense textbooks no one cared about. The spot I’d kept it hidden in just for me.

I dragged my fingers along the spines of every book on the shelf, and the one above and below it, reading each title I passed. Maybe I’d put it back in the wrong place. No such luck.

Rushing over to my desk, I flipped through the piles of paper there, then ransacked each drawer in search of it. I came up empty. I charged for my bedroom next. I’d started reading at night again, maybe it sat in my nightstand or closet. I dug around, but the book wasn’t in any of those places.

I strode down the hall, at a loss for where the hell it could be. As though the book summoned me, I paused near Ryan’s bedroom door. I checked his closet, upending the dresser drawers. I looked under his bed, tossing his slippers and shoes out of the way. I even searched the cabinet below his bathroom sink, dumping the contents onto the floor. Nothing.

Feeling weary, I fell onto his made bed, bringing one of his pillows to my nose and inhaling. My lungs filled with his scent, making me miss him even more. I’d been about to toss the pillow down and leave, but I did a double take at finding the book resting in its place.

I took my time flipping through its pages, looking for dog-eared corners or highlighted passages. Anything to indicate what he thought about it, or if anything resonated with him. Mostly I wanted to know if he realized how much the story meant to me. And if he understood why.

I grew restless, hopeless, and scared. Signs of an oncoming episode. I curled onto my side, gripping the book to my chest. For the next three days, I allowed the voices to have their way with me.

Peace. I wanted peace more than anything else. My mother once told me true peace could only be gained through devotion to living a life of honesty. Living a lie was a soul-crushing job, but the harder I fell for Ryan, the harder it became to tell him the truth.

I returned to Safe Haven on the third day. Dusting the snow off my coat, I looked around the busy community hall for Ryan. Some of the residents were chatting by the fireplace, others were engaged in conversation on the couch. None of them were Ryan.

Upon seeing me, Peggy shot up from her desk, her short legs carrying her over to me. “Mr. Mayes,” she greeted. “How are you?”

“I’m fine.” I’ll be even better once I see Ryan . “I’m here to see Ryan. Is he available?”

“Ah, no, he’s in a therapy session with Dr. Shwartz right now.”

“Okay. Can you let him know I’m here once he’s free?” I walked over to the sitting area, not realizing Peggy had followed me until I sat down. I raised a brow at her. “Is something wrong?”

“He has literacy tutoring right after. He seems to love it and won’t want to miss it.”

“Will he have a few minutes to talk in between?”

She cleared her throat. “I hate to be the one to tell you this… Oh! Here’s Dr. Shwartz now. I’ll let you two speak.” She walked away before I could get another word out.

“Katherine,” I greeted, standing for a hug. I’d hand-picked her to run the therapy clinic myself after having worked with her on the Freedom Fighters charity circuit. She’d known about Safe Haven since its inception. She’d been a champion of my purpose from the moment we met.

“William, how’s everything?” She pulled back to gaze up at me. Between her sharp eyes and medical experience, it’d be useless to pretend with her.

“I’ve been better. I’m here to see Ryan. Is he okay?” Peggy’s odd behavior left me worried.

“He’s fine, all things considered. He’s an amazing young man. Very resilient.”

“Has he spoken to you?” The idea bothered me more than it should have. I selfishly wanted to be the one to hear his first words.

“No, but we’ve found other ways to communicate. He’s open to getting help, and I’m sure we have you to thank for that.” The compliment was sweet but I knew the signs of being built up to be let down.

“What’s going on, Katherine?”

“I think it’s best if you wait until Ryan reaches out to you before visiting him.”

“ You think it’s best? With all due respect, shouldn’t he be making that decision himself?”

Her amber eyes filled with compassion, making me flinch. “I’m speaking on his behalf, William.”

“Oh,” I replied, my feelings hurt. “Did he say why?”

“He wants to stand on his own two feet. And by the look on your face, I think a little time might be good for the both of you.” She gave my forearm a gentle squeeze. “You got him this far. Give him a chance to cross the finish line under his own steam.”

My heart sank, but I knew she had a point. “Sure. I can do that.” I searched for the inner tools I’d need to accomplish the task.

“Can you give this to him for me?” I handed her the small bag I held. “I bought him a phone.” With no longer living together, he couldn’t pass me notes anymore. We would have zero communication outside of me visiting him, and now I couldn’t even do that. I’d planned on spending the afternoon teaching him how to text.

“Sure,” she said, relieving me of it.

“I saved my number in it, but someone will need to show him how to use it.” I didn’t know if he already knew how to work a cellphone. I hadn’t thought to ask because he didn’t speak. The chances of him calling me were pretty much non-existent. “Can you have someone teach him how to send a text? In case he wants to reach me. No pressure though.”

“Of course. I’ll show him myself. Depending on the model I may need to enlist Peggy, but we’ll get it done.”

“Thank you.” I made no move to leave.

Katherine squeezed my forearm again. “He’ll be fine, William. I promise. Let us do what we’re here for. What you put us here for.”

I spent the next seven days checking my phone for missed calls or text messages from him. I’d decided not to give up on him calling. If he was working on himself, that meant he might’ve been working on finding his voice too. There were never any messages or calls from his number.

It’d been ten days without Ryan. Did he not miss me? Need me? Want me?

Sick of my own wallowing, I carried my weary body to the music studio. Maybe work would shake me out of the funk I was in.

But as I entered the code to the door, I remembered I didn’t have anything to work on. I’d canceled everything I had lined up, and turned down all incoming offers against the advice of my agent and manager.

I pushed into the live room with plans to play the piano for a while, since I had yet to replace the violin I’d given Ryan.

His violin. It perched on its stand. He hadn’t taken it with him. A folded note was stuck between the strings. I’d never been so excited and so scared to read something in all my life.

I plucked it from the violin, unfolding it with trepidation.

I can’t let you change my mind. I want to be fixed. Hold this for me.

It all made sense now. Why he’d been packed and ready when I woke up. Why he’d waited by the door while I got dressed, and why he hurried from the car once we got to Safe Haven. He couldn’t risk me changing his mind. He knew I could if I’d wanted to, and I did want to.

“He’ll be back,” I whispered to the instrument. “He’ll be back for you.” And maybe for me too.

I moved over to the piano bench, needing to sit down before my legs gave out. I grew weaker and weaker by the day. His words should have bolstered me, given me hope, but they didn’t shake the blue mood I’d been sinking further and further into. I’d hit a wall. I needed help.

If Ryan was strong enough to get help, then so would I. But first I needed something else. I needed someone else.

Slipping my phone from my pocket, I dialed the most important person to me. She answered on the first ring.

“Dr. Mayes speaking, how may I help you?”

I smiled at hearing her comforting voice. The voice that both lifted me up in love and prayer, and firmly put me in line when needed. She didn’t typically answer her office phone, not unless her receptionist wasn’t around. She must be on her own today.

I inhaled a deep breath, trying and failing to sound strong when I answered her question. “It’s me. Momma, I need you.”