Page 13

William

It was well after four in the morning when the closing credits rolled for the last time, and to my surprise we were done. I’d have to review things once more after getting some rest, but Xavier didn’t need to return for that part.

“Do you want him here?” Ryan had asked.

“No.”

Had I subconsciously worked myself to the bone so we could be alone again? I wouldn’t have stopped to eat if it wasn’t for Ryan. Had I powered through my work so we could get back to our isolated existence?

Xavier yawned, rubbing at his eyes while Ryan slept on the loveseat with his long limbs tucked under himself.

My conscience told me to ask Xavier to stay instead of allowing him to leave at this hour. It was on the tip of my tongue to do so, but then Ryan’s question replayed in my head again, and my answer hadn’t changed. No .

“Let me call you an Uber.” I pulled up the app as we stepped into the hall.

“Already done.” He slipped his jacket on. “It’ll be here in fifteen.”

Xavier looked me in the eyes. I felt as though he were digging around in my soul for some clarity. I sighed, knowing he wouldn’t leave until he’d spoken his mind.

“He doesn’t like me.” He tipped his head toward the room. Ryan didn’t need to like him, because this wasn’t about Xavier. Seemed too cruel to say that though, when I already knew this conversation would end with his feelings hurt. Until Xavier made peace with what I could give, our relationship would be overshadowed by his bitterness and my guilt.

“He can be a little standoffish.” I didn’t mention the part where Xavier made him feel cornered with his questions at dinner. That hadn’t helped. “Give him some time.”

“Time won’t help. He’ll never like me, because he knows that I like you.”

“What?” My disbelief turned the word into a laugh. “Are you saying—”

“That he has feelings for you? Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I recognize another man’s jealousy and possession over you when I see it, William.”

I gazed at Ryan’s sleeping form through the door’s window. “You’re wrong,” I whispered. “He’s just—”

“Used to his routine? Doesn’t like surprises? Or change?” Xavier stepped closer. “Tell me, William, is sitting in there watching the same film, over and over again for more than twelve hours, part of his daily routine?”

“I…” I had nothing to say. I felt thrown off balance, unsure if Xavier was the one confused. Ryan didn’t have feelings for me. Most days it seemed like he hated me. He’d been through a lot, refused to speak, and couldn’t stand to be touched.

Except… we did touch. At night, while I slept, and then again in his bathroom before he faced Dr. Baptiste. But that only meant he was getting comfortable with me. Right?

“You don’t even see it, do you?” Xavier said, clearly frustrated with my ignorance. “You’re so broken inside that you can’t see what’s happening right in front of you. You think so little of yourself that you can’t comprehend someone wanting you more than they want their next breath.” His own breath seemed to catch in his throat with his words. “I guess that’s part of your charm.” It came out low and sardonic, as though meant for himself.

“He doesn’t want me, and I don’t want him in that way. Nothing’s going on between us. I wouldn’t do that.”

He brought his steepled fingers to his lips, as though praying for patience. “Why can’t you see it’s already happening?”

“You’re imagining things,” I snapped, not wanting to hear another word. “You’re letting your emotions get the best of you.”

“He knows how you like your coffee, William,” he continued undeterred by my unfair assessment of him. His eyes implored me to not do this to him, whatever this was. “ I don’t even know how you like your coffee, because you’d never let me make it.”

We’d taken a break several hours ago so Xavier could scarf down his takeout. I’d slouched in my chair, resting my eyes. I hadn’t meant to doze off.

I’d woken up to the smell of coffee. Ryan hovered above me with a mug of it, and half a toasted bagel. I’d been so grateful I almost forgot not to smile. Almost.

I never let Xavier make my coffee because the recipe was too complex, and him getting it right would’ve felt like I let him in. I couldn’t allow that. Ryan had gotten it right, though.

“That’s because he sits in the kitchen while I make breakfast for us. He’s seen me make myself coffee countless times.” I realized my mistake as soon as the words left my mouth.

“Breakfast,” he said as though he’d been gut punched.

“Come on, Xavier. I’ve made them breakfast before.”

“ Them ,” he stressed. “But now you’re using words like “us.”’ His phone chirped, probably an Uber notification. He ignored it.

“Every time you allowed someone as broken as you into your home, you would swear to me they were different . That something about them spoke to you in a way it hadn’t with the others. You’d let them in, give them the time needed to find the strength to move on with their process. Whether it be to find family, or return home, or to Safe Haven.” He huffed a sad laugh, placing his hands on his hips as he paced a small circle.

“‘This one’s different,’” he said in a mocking tone, throwing my words back at me. “Well, I believe it now.” He turned for the door leading to the elevator.

“Xavier, wait,” I hissed, giving chase and grabbing his arm.

He whirled on me, snatching his arm away. His phone chirped again, but he didn’t seem to care. We were both out of breath due to fear not exertion. Fear sat on my chest, crushing the life out of me. And I knew him well enough to recognize the signs in him as well.

“You know,” he started, “until now, I never took your unwillingness to open up to me personally.” He held a hand up, stopping me before I could speak. “I know. You warned me, and I promised I could handle it. Turns out I couldn’t. Sue me.” He lowered his hand. “As disappointing as it was, deep down I knew the problem was you. And I think… I know I’ve just been waiting for you to come around.” He glanced toward where Ryan slept, then back to me. “But it is me—”

“It’s not,” I swore. “The problem is me .” I tapped a fist against my sternum to emphasize the point, the action made my heart race faster. “Never you. It was never you, Xavier.”

“He takes care of you. I mean… caramel popcorn?” He ran a hand through his wavy hair. “Jesus, I sound like a lovesick teenager. But really, why didn’t I know you loved caramel popcorn? You inhaled it like you preferred it to air.”

Popcorn and coffee. Those things were shallow in the grand scheme of it all. I thought about the scars Ryan had seen on me. Thought about the reasons I’d given him for their existence.

“I was abducted when I was a kid.”

I hadn’t even scratched the surface of what shaped me, on why he should be avoiding me, not living with me. Ryan would never know the depths of me, would never know what corroded my heart. No one would.

Xavier thought Ryan had some special insight into me, but at the end of the day, they were both on the same playing field.

“He doesn’t know me.”

“He’s getting to know you,” Xavier bit out like I was a complete idiot. “Why can’t I get to know you too?”

“I could try,” I said, tossing my hands up. “I can try and open up to you more. As friends.” It wouldn’t work, but I had to say something to end his suffocating anguish. It bore down on me, causing my lungs to constrict.

“Friends?” he asked, his tone equal parts dubious and exasperated.

“Yes. I could try to do better.”

He moved closer, laying a hand on my cheek, his gaze fluttering over my face. “As your friend, do I get to know the origin of the graveyard on your back?” he whispered.

It wasn’t a graveyard, but the sentiment was spot-on because I felt buried beneath it. I tried to retreat in defense of the memorial I wore, but he brought his other palm up, clamping my face between both hands to hold me hostage. “Do I get to know the story behind the name you call out in your sleep? Hmm?”

“Don’t.”

“Who’s Ash—”

“Don’t!” I repeated, the word cracking. I pulled free of him, my fear fortifying my internal walls.

“You live your life like you’re waiting for something, or for someone. Like you can’t truly live until whatever or whoever it is arrives. I’m done living the same way, William. I’m done waiting for you.”

“I never asked you to.” My voice sounded small, lining up with the way I felt.

“No, you didn’t,” he confirmed, “but you loved it all the same.” He allowed me to digest that truth for a minute before hitting me with his parting words on his way out. “I can’t work with you anymore. I quit.”

Reentering the control room, I made my way over to Ryan, admiring the way his long lashes fanned out across his cheeks. Sweat dotted his nose. I reached over to the thermostat, turning the air on.

Despite being cramped on the love seat, he seemed peaceful and sweet. His missing scowl did wonders for his natural beauty.

I thought about waking him, but I couldn’t bear losing this version of him yet. I considered carrying him to bed, but couldn’t risk him having a violent outburst because I’d touched him without his consent. Whose bed would I have taken him to anyway? The voices in my head replied: “Mine.”

Maybe Xavier’s unadulterated truth had cut through some of my denial, because for once I agreed with the voices. My bed would’ve been the preferred option.

Unwilling to leave him here alone, I settled onto the floor with my back against the loveseat, scooting down until my head rested on the edge of the cushion.

I wouldn’t let myself believe Ryan had feelings for me. Perhaps Xavier’s jealousy caused him to misinterpret things on that front, to see non-existent things.

I did, however, allow myself the deconstruction of one lie. I had feelings for Ryan. The inappropriate kind. I could be brave enough to admit it to myself. Taking it a step further, I didn’t blame my sleep deprived brain on the admission.

I have feelings for Ryan. The man I promised to protect until he was strong enough to reacclimate into the world. I refused to contemplate what type of monster that made me. Refused to think about when those feelings began. The answer to both would be too incriminating.