Page 36 of One Step Behind

She loved it. Promised to keep it tidy, too, which lasted all of a day before the mess started creeping out like a fungus that wouldn’t stop growing. Every now and again I make her tidy up, dust and vacuum, but it never lasts long.

I inch forward, stepping on a plastic bird that chirps at me with an irritating song.

‘Beth?’

‘What?’ she asks, her voice muffled. Accusing.

‘I wanted to see if you’re OK.’ I sit on the mattress beside her body and place a hand on her back. Her skin is smooth and hot.

‘Where were you?’ she asks.

‘Didn’t Christie tell you? She was going to drop you home, but then Niamh was sick—’

‘She puked after, like, ten minutes, Mum. And Christie said she called you to tell you and that you’d be back in time.’

‘I’m really, really sorry. I didn’t get the message right away.’

Silence.

‘Beth?’

‘S’K.’

‘I should’ve checked my phone earlier. You have every right to be mad at me.’

‘I’m not mad, it’s just …’ She pauses, turning on to her back and staring up at the ceiling.

‘You can tell me, Beth. I won’t be cross.’

‘It was embarrassing,’ she shrugs. ‘All of my friends have mums who are there all of the time. Dad’s great,but I want you to take us places more, and not leave us there.’

Her words slice through me. Easy tears build behind my eyes. ‘But you know I’m—’

‘A doctor and you have to save people.’ Her tone makes it sound bad somehow, and the guilt returns.

She turns away to the wall and I lie down beside her, wrapping her in my arms and letting the silent tears drop from my eyes. Everything would be so much easier if I could get just one night’s sleep. Just one full night. Eight hours straight, like Stuart; eleven like Archie. Hell, I’d take anything that would make me a better mother than the one I feel right now.

‘Do you want to go to the park for an ice cream?’ I ask. ‘Or we could play Monopoly?’

‘Can I play too?’ Archie shouts from the hall. ‘Can we play aliens?’ he adds, wandering into Beth’s room. ‘You can be the mummy who is secretly an alien out to destroy Earth, and me and Beth discover the truth and have to save everyone.’

‘I’m tired,’ Beth replies. ‘Can I watch something?’

‘Can I watch something too, Mummy?’ Archie adds, his game forgotten in favour of TV.

‘Of course.’

They slump on the sofa and lose themselves in their latest cartoon obsession. Cheesy high-pitched voices screech from the TV. I hover near by and tidy up toys and clothes that have been dropped and forgotten this week.

A while later Stuart pours me a glass of wine and steers me into the garden. ‘Sit here. Enjoy the sunshine and this,’ he says, handing me the glass. I take a sip and then another. The cold zest of the wine coats my thoughts. I feel myself unravel.

It’s early evening but the heatwave is still in full swing, the sun showing no sign of setting. The breeze from the sea is weak, pushing the air but not cooling it.

Stuart sits beside me with his own glass of wine. ‘Are you OK? You haven’t seemed yourself since … Thursday.’ He means since you came into A&E.

Am I OK?No, is my first thought. I’m not OK. I’m anything but OK. ‘I … went to see him today.’ I take another sip of wine and swallow back the lump in my throat.

‘What? Jenna! Why the hell would you do that? Leave it to the police. Let them deal with it.’