Page 104 of One Step Behind
I thought coming here would give me closure, but all it’s done is rip open the wound again. I stand to leave, my coffee untouched. ‘Goodbye, Matthew.’
‘Goodbye, Doctor Lawson. Thank you for saving my life.’
I walk out of Bernie’s front door and to the car where Stuart is waiting. The day is blue skies and sunny, but there’s a slight nip to the air. A typical summer’s day by the sea, now that the heatwave is over.
At the last moment I turn back to the house and see you, a shadow behind the net curtains.
‘OK?’ Stuart asks, leaning in to kiss my cheek.
‘Yes.’
‘I’ve got the Canadian work visa applications through. We can fill them in tonight if we want to.’
‘That’s great.’ I smile. It is great. It’s another step closer to moving, to a new way of life, if I want a new life. I know Stuart wants to stay, and so do Beth and Archie. I’m not sure why I’m trying to drag them halfway around the world when there is nothing to run from any more.
Sometimes I wonder about leaving Stuart and making a clean break, just the three of us – me, Beth andArchie. The children and I have grown so close these past few weeks. Beth and Archie have both taken to sleeping in bed with me since the fire, leaving Stuart to stay in Archie’s bed.
I lie awake and watch my babies sleeping for hours, heart beating too fast, barely able to breathe, thinking of that day, thinking how close I came to losing them. When I do sleep, I dream of Matthew and Rachel, Sophie and Nick, and I wake up drenched in sweat and gasping for breath.
‘Are you sure about us?’ Stuart asks, throwing me a worried look as he starts the car.
‘I’m sure,’ I lie. ‘Come on, we need to get some food for dinner before the school pick-up.’
‘We should see if we can get some Canadian maple syrup. Archie will love it.’
‘That’s true.’
We drive in silence, lost in our own thoughts. Stuart is trying hard to earn my forgiveness. Sometimes I think his affair is nothing, not after everything else we’ve been through. Other times I want to scream at him to leave. I can’t forgive him yet, but I’ll find a way to live with it until I do. Beth and Archie have been through enough and need us both right now.
An hour later we park on the road by the school and Stuart cuts the engine. It’s the last day of term. The last time I’ll ever come to this school if I decide to leave.
As we walk towards the gates, I spot Rachel. She’s wearing a pair of jeans and a loose t-shirt and she’s limping slightly from the damage to her ankle.
‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ she had cried to me over and over. ‘Sophie said … she said she was trying to help you. She called me on Monday morning and leftthis panicky message, begging me to call her. So I did. She said she knew your stalker was out of hospital and was going to get Beth and Archie if we didn’t get them first. I thought I was helping. I went along with it at first but then just before I went into the school I tried to suggest we go to the police. She went ballistic. She said if I didn’t help her then my kids would be next, and he’d kill them and the police wouldn’t be able to stop him. I didn’t want to do it, but I was scared and then she said if I didn’t help her, she’d tell my husband about me … me and Stuart. I didn’t know she was going to hurt them. I really didn’t. You have to believe me.’
A familiar anger burns inside. I can forgive her for sleeping with Stuart and I can forgive her for lying to me and avoiding me, for making me think I was crazy, but I can’t forgive her for walking into the school and collecting Beth and Archie. It’s her fault they were in that house, her fault they wake up crying for me in the night.
I draw in a breath and let it out slowly, trying to focus on the Rachel who pulled Beth out of the house when she didn’t want to go.
Rachel and her family are moving back to London over the summer. Beth is devastated to be losing her best friend, but I know she’ll get over it.
The bell signalling the end of school is ringing as we step into the playground. The classes start to flock out, a sea of green. Beth and Archie race towards me. I open my arms to them and they jump into me and we hold each other tight. The love pours through me, dousing my anger towards Rachel, Matthew, the memories.
‘Mummy, Mummy.’ Archie jumps by my side. ‘Wedid art today and I got a merit for my picture.’ He holds up a piece of paper and I crouch down for him to show me properly. ‘I did it of us playing at lunch break. See – there’s the older boys playing football, and there’s Beth with a skipping rope.’
‘It’s very good, Archie. I like how you’ve drawn the trees. What’s this?’ I ask, pointing to a black shadow next to where Archie has drawn the dark-green railings that border the playing field.
‘That’s the man, Mummy.’
‘What man?’ I ask, my mouth suddenly dry.
‘The one who’s been watching me.’
‘Oh Archie,’ I say, pulling him into my arms. ‘There’s no bad man any more. It’s all over, I promise.’ I swallow back the emotions threatening to burst out of me and pull myself up.
‘But I saw him today, Mummy. And at the weekend,’ Archie says in his sing-song matter-of-fact voice. ‘He called my name and waved to me,’ he says before skipping ahead to catch up with Stuart and Beth. I follow close behind, my eyes on the drawing and the smudged shadow of a figure standing on the outside of the railings, watching the children.
A shiver races down my body, and I hurry to reach my family.
It’s the trauma of everything that’s happened to him, to us, I tell myself. While Beth has been an emotional rollercoaster – angry, lashing out, sobbing and clinging to me, begging me not to leave her side – Archie has seemed fine. No bad dreams. No accidents at school. And yet the colouring in my hands, the shadow, it’s not OK. I’ll talk to him later and explain again that he’s safe now.
On the road, the groups of parents and childrendisperse and we walk side by side towards the car, my hand slipping into Archie’s, keeping him close.
‘Who wants an ice cream when we get home?’ Stuart asks.
‘Meeeeee,’ Beth and Archie shout together.
They clamber into the back seats and I’m opening the passenger door when something changes in me. For a moment I can’t place the feeling crawling over my body, and then I gasp and spin around, my eyes darting across the road. Did something just move by that tree? A shadow?