Page 46

BIG GIRL brEECHES

SERYN

A soft knock sounded at my door. Uncurling from my side, I brushed my fingers over my face and through my hair. Moonlight danced through the window, accompanied by the pattering rain. It filled me like a hollow vessel left out in a storm.

When I reached the door, I opened it a crack. Breena booped me on the nose. “Thought you might need a chum,” she commiserated as I let her in with a sad smile.

She plopped herself on my bed, and I lay next to her. We stayed like that, letting the rain serenade us, for a while.

I turned on my side. “Thank you for being here.”

Breena sat cross-legged, and propped her elbows on her knees. “Of course I’m here. And which brother do I have to stab?”

I snorted and then pressed my palms over my eyes.

“Kaden told me he overheard his mother and Gavrel arguing when he was younger. About Gavrel being my … my fated khorda. And he kept it from me all these turns. Gavrel, too.” My heart flopped against my chest. “He did something to block the bond. Put a rune in his chest. ”

Breena’s head dropped. “I can’t say I’m surprised about you two being bonded, but, hot damn, woman. That must’ve been a shot in the tit.”

My hand rested over my heart. “Right in it.”

She rubbed my knee, mouth twisting. “I’m sorry, Ryn-Ryn. I’m sure Kaden isn’t fitting into his big boy pants yet either. If you want me to cause physical harm, just say the word.”

A chuckle burst from me at the hopeful glint in her eyes. “No need. Who made you so stabby, my friend?”

She poked my side. “First off, I was born this way. Second, that’s a bit ‘dagger calling the sword pointy,’ innit?”

I huffed a laugh as I sat across from her. The momentary lightness sank, pressure pushing between my ribs once more. I leaned forward, clutching my tunic. “It hurts.”

Breena sidled closer, wrapping her arm around me. “It always does. Love isn’t for the weak. And you sure as void aren’t fecking weak.”

A dry sob spilled from my lips. “They both … He lied to me. What I’m feeling … I don’t know if I can trust it. If it’s the bond or just … just me.”

My friend’s embrace tightened. “Now, listen well. Until you have all the facts, you don’t know why Gavrel did what he did.

That man looked like you kicked him in the balls and ate his soul at once.

But what you can be sure of is that your mind and heart are your own to give.

I see the way you look at him. Bond or not, you’d still want to climb inside him. ”

I leaned my head on her shoulder. “What would I do without you, Bree?”

“You’d have a cry and then put on your big girl breeches.” She ran her hand over my curls. “You could teach Kaden a thing or two about that.”

I wiped the back of my hand under my nose as my shoulders shook with silent laughter.

“I’m proud of you, you know,” she murmured.

My head lifted. “For what. Being a mess? ”

Her mouth pinched. It wasn’t often that her features settled so somberly.

“You keep pushing. Doing what’s right even when it’s fecking hard.

And don’t get me started on your bloody ember.

You’ve come so far, and I’m fecking living for it.

Truly—watching your bitty wings take shape? It’s everything.”

I swiped my fingers under my damp lashes, and Breena nudged my shoulder with hers.

“I’m here for you, always. You won’t be getting rid of me, so don’t even try.

” Her palm slapped against my thigh. “And I hope you’re the damned Scion just so I can see the look on Melina’s face when we destroy her.

And Marek’s. Because that twat better not be. His head is already too bloated.”

Dread and humor vibrated in my belly. This woman was the only one who could make me want to crawl in a hole and laugh until I cried simultaneously. “You’re stuck with me, too. But I’d rather pass on the Scion bit.”

She tapped her finger against her full lips. “Hmm. I’m pretty sure we already went over your big girl breeches. So …”

My foot connected with her shin, and she yelped. “I know you, Ryn. Whatever the Fates throw at you, you’ll survive. Because that’s what we do.”

I wrapped my arms around my bent knees. She was right. We were survivors, and I’d be damned if I allowed anyone to take that from me. “That we do. Thanks, Bree. Oh, and I’ll let you know if anyone needs a good stabbing.”

Breena grinned and slid off the bed. “I knew you loved me. Now, get some rest. We have a fecking rebellion to get back to.”

“Love you, too, Mistress Stabberton.”

Her chuckle followed her out. With the click of the door closing, I sank into my bed and my thoughts once more.

There were too many rebellions to attend to. Those within me and without threatening to burn everything I thought I understood to ashes.

It’d been hours. Hours of staring blankly into the darkness, body curled tightly in a ball.

At last, my mind settled, and my muscles went slack. I unfurled my limbs and sat up, the silk of my nightgown slipping along my skin. Lulled by the soothing rhythm of the rain outside, I closed my eyes for a moment and wrapped my arms around my chest.

My mind had weaved through all the turns.

Memories.

Every smile and touch.

My relationships.

Friendships.

Kaden had kept the knowledge of what he’d heard as an adolescent all these turns. It was wrong, and I was certainly upset, but I didn’t think he’d ever intended to hurt me. Ancients knew feral emotions made mortals more beast than human.

Jealousy.

Grief.

Fear.

Love .

Regardless, it was up to him to ask for my forgiveness. To make it right when he was ready. I needed to let him heal; no one could do it for him, and I was tired of being his excuse to avoid doing so.

I scoffed, my pulse quickening. With my knees bent in front of me, I propped my elbows on my thighs, wrists dangling between them.

Gavrel is my fated .

Cradling my head, I raked my fingers through my hair.

My bloody khorda.

A long exhale puffed my cheeks. I sat, meditating my way through. My spinning thoughts. The facts. The memories.

Why had he held on to such a secret?

I sifted through my anger and shock. There was something glaringly certain.

Something was missing.

Gavrel had never done anything to harm me over the turns. Nor anyone he loved. In fact, everything he did was to protect those he loved.

So, why? Why would he do this?

If he didn’t want me, he would’ve stayed away. Ancients knew he tried.

Unless the rune wasn’t as potent as he hoped.

A heavy sigh fell to my sheets.

Fuck it.

The only way I was getting answers was to ask the questions myself. Then I could deal with the repercussions.

My bare feet padded to his slightly ajar door. His boots lay in a soggy mound between the door and his bed, like he’d simply stumbled his way inside.

He held his head in his hands, elbows resting on his thighs.

His damp hair was a mess, as if he had wrung his fingers through the ebony waves too many times.

Strands hung over his brow, shielding his face.

His breeches slung on his hips, and his wet tunic clung to every corded muscle visible in the hearth’s flickering glow.

I stepped further from the shadows, walking into the firelight, toward him—into his burning orbit. My silken shift rustled against the corner of his bed. His head snapped up, his dark eyes a blazing emerald inferno scorching through my very soul.

“Leave,” he rasped and then let his head drop. Pain sank into his features as he stared at the stone floor like he was trying to bury himself beneath it.

I knew him like I knew my own breath. He was deep in self-loathing. I didn’t need to reprimand him again because he was torturing himself far worse than I ever could.

“No,” I whispered. I crept closer to him, my spine taut with anticipation. Of what, I wasn’t sure.

“Little Star, you must leave me.” His words were defeated, ripe with regret and shame.

I stood in front of him, my curves invading his space, gently nudging his legs to accommodate me as I planted myself between his muscled thighs .

His lips pressed together in a scowl, a warning rumbling behind his caged teeth. His long fingers slid over his upper legs and clamped onto his knees, tense and stiff.

My heart slammed against my ribcage, threatening to crack it open. To escape and reveal everything I’d been hiding from him.

From myself.

“I can’t, Gavrel,” I murmured.

Tentative fingers trembled as I reached for him. My fingertips grazed the side of his face, smoothing the loose strands over his ear. I pressed my lips together, my pulse throbbing within them.

He leaned into my touch, squeezing his eyes shut. He looked as if he was in pain. His fingers dug into his thigh muscles, his wide chest straining against the clinging material. “I broke my vow. I don’t deserve you. I can’t … I can’t tell you why.”

“Try.” My fingertips pulsed against his skin. “I’m here.”

His neck strained, fighting something within. He groaned, thumping his fist against his heart. “I can’t . It won’t let me,” he growled. “But I … It had to be done, and doesn’t matter now. It’s better if you leave me—safer that way.”

It was a struggle to breathe. Every ragged lungful tore from me, tumbling into his throaty inhalations. Our breaths blended and twirled as if trying to become one.

A place behind my ribs seared into the bony cage. Was I feeling a fraction of what he felt?

“Does your talisman … Does it prevent you from telling me about our bond?” The words were husky, full of hope.

He crunched his eyelids closed, nodding shakily, biceps tense.

“Then I’m right where I want to be.” The words were the most honest thing I’d ever said aloud. “Besides, if I left, you’d find me … to the Nether Void and beyond, yes?”