Page 44

THERE’S ALWAYS A CHOICE

SERYN

I ’d gone to Kaden to check on him, to rebuild our friendship stone by stone.

But it was going terribly wrong.

He was trying to hurt me, lashing out because he was hurting. The splinters of his pain wedged between my ribs.

“Gavrel and I … We’re taking things day by day. Two turns ago, we’d been something . I think you know that.”

Kaden’s mouth pulled taut, jaw jutting forward. “I suspected. Well, I wish you all the luck—I’ll even toss in a prayer to Tyche, just for you. Glad to have been your training dagger.”

I flinched as if he’d slapped me. “That isn’t fair, Kade. I miss you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I … I don’t want to lose you.”

“I told you then, what happened between us—how I felt—was on me. I know it, but it’ll take me some time to process … everything. You don’t have to keep going on about it.” He crossed his arms.

“I want to be here for you and to know that we’ll be all right.” I put my hand on his wrist, and he dropped his arms so that he slipped through my fingers.

“Ser, I don’t know what you want me to tell you.

” The clover hue of his eyes sparked as he sighed.

“Do you want to know that I’m pissed off?

That I’m confused? That you picked him? That my fucking heart is a sieve, and I’m drowning in my own bloody resentment and regret. Ancients damn it!” he barked.

A few citizens looked our way, and I tucked some strands behind my ear. Panic and anger bubbled in my belly. My breaths were short and desperate as my lungs constricted.

I inhaled, digging my nails into my palms.

Enough.

“I care about you. I know you’re hurting. I’d give anything to take that from you. But I’m done apologizing for what I feel. And if you recall, you asked that very thing of me not too long ago,” I retorted. “Or was that a lie?”

His head jerked back as if I’d struck him. Mouth pursing, he whipped his arm toward Gavrel. “He’s the liar—the one you chose . But the joke’s on you because you never even had a choice. Just like my parents. And you’ll die for it.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, fingers stretching irritably as my heartbeat pounded against my nape.

“It’s bloody true. Now that I remember everything .” Closing his eyes, he let out a hard sigh. He pushed his palms over his brow and through his messy hair and then flung his arms down.

“Melina did something to me. Maybe she thought I’d escape eventually, and she didn’t want to risk the truth.

You know how obsessed she is with Gav. But she took a memory from before Ma was culled.

I was thirteen, and I overheard them arguing.

Ma had a dream. Said that my brother had to bury a rune above his heart.

” He pressed the base of his palm into his, and my own lurched. “You want to know why, Ser?”

I shook my head, ember and goosebumps skittering over my skin.

“I’ll tell you anyway. To block your bond.

Your fucking fated khorda bond.” He spat the words at my feet as if they tasted bitter.

“I always thought that my parents were fated. You could see it in their eyes. Could see it the day my father died, not long after Ma. He wanted to go to her. To be near her again.”

I stopped breathing. Laughter and music flicked around us as my mind crumbled within my skull.

A flicker of something akin to regret and trepidation tapped at the back of my ribs.

Something that wasn’t my own, a shadow that slipped in when I wasn’t paying attention.

I turned to look behind me as if someone were there, but Kaden’s barbed words stung me.

My torso slumped as I regarded him, waiting for the stone to smash into my back.

“And Gavrel did it, didn’t he? He buried that rune above his heart. Then ran off and joined the Order, never wanting what the Fates had planned for you.” Again, he swung his hand out toward his brother. “Yet you chose him anyway.”

“Kade, you know I didn’t know, but it doesn’t change what happened between us. We wouldn’t have been more even without …” Something he’d said pecked at my temple. My mouth fumbled as I fisted the hem of my tunic. “You know … you knew . When?” I whispered raggedly.

He rubbed one hand along the back of his neck. “Maybe it didn’t change us, but it definitely didn’t help the—” He stopped mid-sentence. “What did you say?”

“When did she take that memory?”

He stepped back, licking his lips. “Right before she tossed me in that nightmare prison,” he admitted quickly, voice raised.

I swallowed, bile rising in my throat. “So, you both knew all along. You both kept this from me?”

Pinching his lips together, his face fell. For one moment, he looked as devastated as I felt. But then he crunched his eyes closed before slipping his mask back in place. “Ser, I?—”

I held a shaky palm up and left him among the scattered flowers.

I’d never known him to be cruel. But he wasn’t himself now. He hadn’t been for a while.

Numbly, I stared at my boots, thoughts slamming around my mind .

Gavrel’s scar.

His secrets.

He’d known .

My best friend had kept something so monumental from me. Why? Because he was envious? Because he was terrified of losing us if one of us died … like everyone else he loved?

Fated Khorda.

Whatever threads were holding me upright snapped, and I curled in on myself, arms wrapping around my center to hold myself together.

Slowly, my gaze locked with Gavrel’s. Surely everything I felt—the riot of confusion and doubt and grief—poured at his feet.

His breath hitched, the deep line between his eyebrows severe. He stepped toward me, but I stepped back.

I wished I could just vanish. Fly into the aether and burn alive like a star. Raze the feelings that had festered within me over the turns. Even when Melina had tried to snatch them away.

Because there was no doubt that I loved Gavrel.

I loved him .

Loved him so much I wanted to tear my bloody heart out of my chest and tuck it behind his ribcage for safekeeping.

Gavrel winced as if he’d felt the surge of my emotions.

But he’d broken his vow again. Hadn’t he?

Did I ever have a choice?

There’s always a choice, Ser. The Fates can bugger off , Letti had once said. Ancients, I missed my sister. I wished she were here. But the only one here was Gavrel. And he was holding my bleeding soul in his palm while it slipped through his fingers.

Bitterness swelled over my tongue.

He was an Ancients-damned liar.

He never truly wanted me.

He had rejected and toyed with me all these turns.

I sucked in the sweet air and pushed my shoulders back. As I moved toward him, his chest rose and fell fitfully.

My eyes narrowed as I stood before him, anger fizzing over my spine. I opened my mouth to speak, but nearly choked on the sob clogging my throat.

He reached for me. “Little St?—”

I held up one hand, blocking him. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare touch me.”

Hundreds of people flit about, but it could’ve been just the two of us for all I cared. My hands trembled, and I shook them out, agitated by the sign of weakness. Spinning away, I rushed outside into the blessed rain and down the stairs.

He followed, grabbing my wrist and turning me to face him. Rain streamed down his jaw as if the Ancients were pouring their tears down his beautiful face, attempting to wash away the deception.

My chin lifted, and my eyes bore into his. “Kaden told me about your talisman.” I poked my finger into the thickened skin under his tunic, and a zing of energy poked at my skin. “About how upset you were to find out we might be khorda .” I spat out the last word.

Shame settled over his features, wide shoulders drooping.

“Seryn, I wanted to?—”

“I don’t want to hear it. This is the last time I’ll allow myself to be broken by you.”

He cupped my cheek, but I turned away from his touch as if it burned my flesh.

“Please. I couldn’t—” he pleaded, but I was drowning in pain. He couldn’t save me this time.

“Enough,” I sobbed, my tears mixing with the rain. “My heart can’t take it.”

And then I ran, just like Gavrel had done so many times before.

The further I got from him, the more the thread wrapped around my ribs constricted.

But I didn’t care.

It was my turn to flee.