Page 23 of Never Submit (Bad Wolves #2)

Chapter 23

Ren

I did it.

I shifted into a wolf, on my own time, in my right mind, without emotions riding me the way they have in the past.

This time, there was only a small prick as my muscles warped and lengthened. My bones broke and reshaped themselves, but it wasn’t as terrible as the last time, in the billiard room. There, Torin had been cold, and the rejection did something to me. It made the knot in my chest a thousand times worse than it might have been on any other day.

With Mathis, it’s different.

He’s right that there’s a part of me I haven’t wanted to look at, content to see it as something separate. Not actually myself. But with him, he makes me almost delighted to lean into the difference. To explore it. And when he talks about his childhood?—

The change isn’t bad. Not with him at my side.

It seems more natural this way. There is just something about Mathis that always puts me at ease even when the desire hits. He’s the kind of guy who is impossible to ignore. Woodsy, stubborn, and strong.

I smell him even better now than I have in the past. It’s like his scent is everywhere, wrapping me up in a cozy blanket, enrapturing my senses. The stress of the attack and the last few days melts away when I’m next to him.

I knew there was something about him when he walked through the door at Rudy’s bar. He looked like a man born to rule, but he’s good at what he does. Effective.

I bolt after him when he takes off into the woods. What happened with Carrigan, with Flora, with the move, I’ve gotten through it by dissociating. This morning, my happy bubble of apathy snapped and everything melded together until I couldn’t stand myself anymore. I found Torin first by this scent alone, following it like a thread through the camp until I cornered him by the lakeshore.

His brush off stung even though I anticipated it.

My paws dig into the earth to carry me forward, faster and faster. Trees speed by in a blur. I catch up to Mathis, and he tosses me a glance over his shoulder.

There you are, sweetheart .

I pull up short at the sound of his voice in my head. You can do it, too ?

Do…what ?

He rounds on me and whines, a small sound to get my attention when I realize I’ve stopped in surprise.

Talk to me this way. In my head. I thought only Noble was able to do it .

And Noble is there, a thread of energy in my head and in my heart, the connection between us even more tangible in this form.

And it’s…nice. It’s different be ing a wolf as opposed to being a human, of course. I feel every press of my padded paws against the forest ground. Every hair on my body is attuned to the whims of the earth and the rustle of the winter breeze. My senses are sharper and my mind clearer.

The warning bells I’d always thought would clang tremendously if I gave in are silent. The wolf isn’t something to be frightened of.

My human mind is still very much in control, not relegated to the backseat as I’d feared.

Members of the same pack have been known to communicate with each other telepathically. What did Noble tell you about it?

I huff out a wolf equivalent of a laugh. Nothing , I reply. He was amused that I was eavesdropping and told me to get used to my new hearing .

Mathis lopes ahead easily. The chestnut color of his fur is cut through with a line of rich espresso fur along his spine. He’s massive, larger than Dax as a wolf form, and I’m almost delicate next to him.

Only I don’t feel delicate. I feel powerful.

I pick up speed until we’re neck and neck. Tell me more about you , I press.

Overhead, the sky darkens with the bruised peach and violet of approaching twilight. The stars are beautiful from this angle. So much brighter than they are when I stare at the heavens normally.

What do you want to know?

Mathis isn’t the kind to blow me off for being curious. If anything, he sounds almost eager to get to know me better, and to talk about himself.

Anything. Everything . I’m intrigued by the thought of Mathis as a kid , I tell him .

My amusement is clear and his laughter reaches me as though he’d spoken out loud.

Well, I had a good childhood in general. My mom is still alive, but barely since her mate died .

I’m so sorry about your dad, I reply. What happened?

Cancer. His answer is easy, like Mathis has already made peace with the loss. It was natural but a little too soon for both of us.

I can’t even imagine how I’d feel if I lost either of my parents right now .

Just as bad as they’d have felt if they’d lost you on your last birthday , he says. But we survive. We get through it and we make the best of our new normal .

A sound cracks from the left and I glance over to note the sharp outline of a squirrel bounding from one tree to another. A whine burns the back of my throat.

I’ve never wanted to chase animals in my life, but for some reason the urge to crash through the underbrush after the little thing pushes at me.

I just want to go back to the way things were before , Mathis tells me patiently when I return my attention to him. Old-fashioned family values. The pack is my family.

You have a lot of respect for family traditions, then?

The wolf tips his head forward and stares at me down his long black snout. I do. The way things go…it works for a reason.

You know, Torin may say you only see a future in the past. That it might be a handicap because your pack stays stagnant.

I take delight in the way Mathis shakes his shaggy head, snapping his teeth. Then I’d say you’re spending too much time around people like Torin who have nothing to act as a foundation .

That’s probably true.

I’d rather not think about Torin, though. Not right now. Noble is there in a constant presence but he’s distracted and—it’s hard to explain. He’s not against me going off with Mathis.

It seems as though he’s open to the idea, or rather resolved, like there is nothing he can do about the draw I feel for Mathis so he’s not even going to try to fight it. He is simply there for me. Always.

My father was a warm and caring man. Almost too nice. He kept a close watch on me, and when he felt my vision slipped, or I’d put stock in values that wouldn’t serve me in the long run, he’d swoop in to correct me.

Sounds smothering , I add.

Mathis laughs again and the sound draws through me until an answering throb grows to life in my lower half. You have quite a few opinions about me and my childhood.

Maybe because my parents were always keeping a close watch on me, too. I’m surprised they let me explore different hobbies the way they did. I guess being stillborn does that, though, so I never blamed them.

We run together through the last rays of sunlight, keeping pace with each other until the gold disappears and turns to diamond. Only I’m not out of breath.

My wolf can run forever. And she wants to. I want to.

Air erupts from my lungs when Mathis pounces on me from behind. I hadn’t heard him move, and then suddenly he’s there, pushing me down to the ground.

What are you doing? I cry out.

He nips at the back of my neck and I roll underneath, scrambling to right myself and find purchase. He’s bigger, stronger, and he’s everywhere. I’m forcing you to have a little fun .

Snow crunches underneath us. It’s thicker in this part of the forest and undisturbed by other living creatures. Only small tracks from birds and chipmunks showed in the snow before. Until we got there.

Mathis widens his stance, and the space between his four legs gives me room to push myself free from underneath him.

You’re crazy!

No, I’m letting loose . He howls at me and the fur lifts between my shoulder blades.

A lupine smile pries his lips apart and I take off.

Let’s see if he’s fast enough to catch up to me. He might be bigger but I’ve got longer legs and my smaller frame allows me to easily maneuver between the trees.

Their trunks press closer together and I fly over the snow-crusted ground.

This. This is freedom. This is something I’ve never experienced in my life, a complete untethering from society, the restrictions and the weight of the expectations.

Out here, I’m part of nature, I'm part of the night, and I’m faster than I’ve ever been before. More alive.

I’ve always been a believer of things happening for a reason. I’m not quick to call it fate, but for some reason, tonight time feels poised. As though I’m on the verge of something extraordinary happening.

Mathis chases behind me and I stop suddenly, whirling on him. Forcing him to pull up short. He skids to a halt and we crash together in a puddle of moonlight.

You should know that you’re never going to be able to escape me , Mathis warns.

He burrows his nose at the crook of my neck and inhales deeply. The sensations are indescribable. My lungs work but in the body of a wolf, everything has changed. I’m still me, but I’m…more.

What if I don’t want to escape? What if, no matter how far I run, I want you to be able to catch me?

Then it’s a good thing I’m the alpha.

Mathis’s body shakes with laughter. He draws his head back and snakes his tongue across my snout. The touch is electric. Hot enough to melt the snow.

Did you always want to be an alpha? I ask.

I never had another choice. It was born into me and I know in my bones there is no one else who can do what I do .

That , I lick him back , is called having a huge ego .

That’s not the only thing that’s huge about me, sweetheart , he purrs.

I want to kiss him. I want to do whatever it is wolves do to each other when they have a need. Such a pressing fucking need to be close to him and feel his body on me.

In me.

I’d say you were lying but I’ve had the pleasure before , I say.

Not for a long time.

I growl and wiggle closer to him. In Dax’s cave. You fucked me against a wall of stone .

Trust me, I remember. Vividly.

Is it wrong to want Mathis this way? To ask for a repeat of that experience out here in the snow, where it’s only the two of us?

I’m alive. Why shouldn’t I embrace it, ask for what I want? Hell, demand it! I feel everything, and the moon is our only witness, that bright glowing orb making the change so much better this time around.

Or maybe Mathis is the one who helped me along, the way I somehow knew he would .

He’s right about the need for play, too. How many years have I wasted on being so serious, on struggling to carve out a life for myself and ensuring I have a future? There really wasn’t a whole lot of time allocated to acting like a fucking maniac and laughing my ass off.

Outside of the weekly girls’ nights that Aspen and Carrigan forced on me, where we got blind drunk, I worked. I went home. I visited my parents and forced them to tell me more about how I went from stillborn to alive.

It’s here now. I’ve got the time. I managed to survive my last birthday and prove the goddess right. Because she did choose me for a reason, and her throwing my parents’ bravery in my face was warranted.

I’ve been a coward.

I’ve been selfish and focused on the wrong things. Or maybe they were the right things because they led me here, to this moment, to this man.

Looking at me, a change comes over Mathis. His eyes go wide, then narrow, inscrutable, glowing an even more vibrant gold.

Something hits me square in the chest. Hot and cold and spreading out like I’ve been struck with one of his arrows, the tip dipped in acid. It starts in the heart and moves through every nerve until I’m on fire, and the snow is actually melting underneath us.

What’s going on? I ask.

Mathis goes still as stone as the vibration spreads through me along my limbs.

It’s a knowing. Something deep down inside of me, and my body feels the effects. A second bond bursts to life alongside the first one, the one tethering me and Noble together. A bond cementing what I feel for Mathis. My wolf and I both know it. Both choose it .

A second mating bond?

My eyes widen in shocked surprise. No. That’s not?—

Mathis shifts back to human form in a shower of light, and I follow suit, mine not as graceful. But when I push onto my two feet again, I stare at his concerned face. It breaks through the absolute shell of joy around me.

The moment shatters when he says, “Oh, fuck.”