Page 4

Chapter 3

Objectively Objectifying a Sexy Blonde

Jemma

“W hat was I thinking?” I grouched, clinging desperately to the pole of my gazebo tent with one hand and the hem of my skirt with the other.

“You look adorable!” Ezra reassured me. “And it’s unseasonably warm today, so the short, swishy skirt and lace panties combo is … it’s giving optimistic, spring vibes.”

I rolled my eyes at him as he chortled, finally securing the weight to the base of my post. The gazebo shuddered crossly one last time and then settled.

“That breeze better not get any … breezier,” I muttered, shaking a fist at the lake. “Damn you, body of open water, giving all that angry air extra space to bluster around where I need to set up my things!”

“Have I told you recently how much I love you, Bliss?” Ezra draped an arm around my shoulders, squeezing tightly.

“I know you do, Ez,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around his waist and squeezing. “But I have a secret.”

He glanced down, eyes twinkling. “Oh? What’s that?”

“I love you more.”

And then I pinched him on his side, cackling when he let out a very unmanly squeal and jumped away from me.

Ezra mock-scowled at me before heading back to the boot of my car to drag out the trestle tables. I snorted, making for the back door, where my signage, cash tin, and stock were all stashed in plastic tubs. I was a pro at markets by now. I’d done fifty bajillion of them.

One day, I even hoped to make a decent living out of it.

Luci dooked at me from her cage in the front.

“I know, Lulu. Won’t be long, and then you can get out and be the centre of attention.”

I backed out of the car with a stack of tubs just as three things happened.

I smacked my head, letting out an ungodly squawk.

I felt the prickle of being watched and a flash of heat.

The wind gusted, whipping my flirty swing mini skirt (the electric blue one with all the My Little Ponies cavorting on it) up around my waist.

“Are you serious right now?” I shouted, turning precariously, wincing through my pain, my cheeks burning because whoever was watching me had just gotten an absolute eyeful of my cheeky red lace panties. The ones that were supposed to be my lucky pair.

“Some luck you’re giving me today!” I grumped, peering around through watering eyes, hoping it wasn’t anyone important who’d just copped an eyeful of my bottom.

“Hey, Jemma!”

I turned, finding Humphrey the potter standing beside his car, tugging his gazebo out. He was smirking, his infuriatingly cute hazel eyes glinting. I could see why Ezra was so infatuated with him.

“Did you just watch me flash the entire lakefront, by any chance?” I narrowed my eyes at him over my tub stack.

“Me? I don’t know what you’re talking about!” His feigned innocence and his cheeky wink confirmed his guilt.

“Oh my God! Please tell me you didn’t see anything of note!”

Humphrey waggled his eyebrows. “Red is really your colour, Pinkie Pie.”

“You better be nice to me, Humphrey Potter, or whatever your last name is,” I hissed. “My best friend is a certified hottie, and the sweetest man on the planet, and he’s got a monstrous crush on you, but I’ll tell him you’re a giant lech, and even your magic moulding hands won’t save you then.”

Humphrey looked at me like I was completely insane. And then his eyes drifted over my right shoulder. I winced, turning slowly.

Ezra’s cheeks were redder than his hair. By quite a margin.

“Oh God. You heard that, didn’t you?”

His eyes darted to Humphrey and then back to me. “I know verbal filtering is a tough concept for you, Jemma, but … really?” he mumbled.

I opened my mouth to apologise, but he’d turned and walked stiffly away.

“Shit,” I muttered, looking around frantically. Finding nowhere to put my tubs, I dropped them on the still-dewy grass, preparing to race after Ezra on my much shorter legs.

“Hey … let me talk to him.”

I glanced up to find Humphrey, his own cheeks slightly pink, eyeing me earnestly. Something in his expression made me nod, and he dumped his gazebo on the ground and trotted off down the path in the direction Ezra had fled.

I slumped back to the car, opening the front door and sliding into the driver’s seat.

“I think I messed up, Luci.”

My ferret chirped at me, her beady red eyes peering through her cage bars.

I sighed. “I know. I’m good at it. Joe tells me all the time. But I can’t just sit here and mope. This stall won’t set itself up. Hopefully Humphrey can smooth things over with Ezra, so he’ll at least let me apologise.”

I glared down at my lap. “You’re supposed to be lucky undies, but all you’ve done today is let me expose you to the world, and stick my foot in my mouth with my best friend!”

Clambering out of the car once more, I got to work, assembling trestle tables, dressing and decorating and laying out my products and the framed artworks from the girls at the hospital that I’d used as inspiration.

Finally, I brought Luci’s cage out, setting it at the front of the stall. She never spent much time in there because everyone wanted cuddles. I scooped her out, strapped her into her harness and lead, and began the delightful task of wrestling her into her costume.

“Oh, come on, you elongated rat!” I puffed, stuffing a ferret treat into her mouth to stop her squirming while I Velcroed on the ‘shell bra’ that was the finishing touch to her ‘Little Mer-ferret’ costume that I’d finally worked all the snags out of late last night. I turned her to face me. She chewed messily on her treat as I inspected my handiwork.

“Well, aside from the eating with your mouth open—we’ll have words about table manners later—you do look frightfully adorable right now, Luci-Fur,” I cooed, adjusting the little crocheted wig that tied under her chin.

“Two dollars from every sale is donated to the Children’s Cancer Ward at Derek Halsey Hospital?” a deep voice boomed from the path that wound past the front of my stall.

Luci shut her mouth, and I watched as she visibly gulped.

Yeah, I feel about the same way, my girl , I thought, turning towards my brother.

“How are you supposed to make a decent profit if you’re donating it all to charity?” He eyed me derisively, running a hand through his mousey hair.

“‘Good morning, Jemma, wow, what lovely weather we’re having today … aside from the breeze, that is. Can I go and get you a coffee to start your workday?’” I made my voice go as deep as I could, which only made me sound ridiculously pompous.

Coincidentally my brother, who I was mocking, was the most pompous twerp on the planet. But he didn’t react to my needling. He never did. He just glared at me with that disapproving shadow in his eyes until I caved.

So I caved.

“The girls in my little art therapy group at the hospital did all the designs for these costumes.” I stood, clutching Luci to me like armour, and gestured to the little framed drawings next to each piece. “I asked them if they wanted a little pocket money for their efforts, but they refused. So, I’m giving back to them this way, instead.”

I returned his glare, daring him to mock me.

“What’s your profit margin on these? Have you taken into account your time? It’s a labour-intensive hobby?—”

“It’s my livelihood!” I snapped.

Joe scoffed. “A livelihood that pays for a dingy apartment that you have to share with a friend.”

“Our apartment isn’t dingy , and there isn’t anyone I’d rather live with than Ezra!” I snarled. “Because he’s always had my back.”

Joe folded his long arms over his chest. “He’s always enabled your hare-brained schemes, you mean.”

“I’ve supported her to follow her passion.”

I turned, my mouth falling open, to find Ezra walking side by side with Humphrey. They were carrying coffees, and they both had pink cheeks and smiles that warmed my heart.

Joe turned his withering gaze on Ezra, who held up a hand before Joe could take a breath to start another diatribe.

“There’s no room for your negativity today, Joe. Take it elsewhere. Preferably back to your penthouse on the other side of the city.”

Joe’s head snapped backwards, like he’d been slapped. I fist-pumped behind his back. Ezra saw and grinned, stepping around a slack-jawed Joe to hand me one of the coffees.

Before I had a chance to take a single sip, Paisley, a regular customer, skipped up with her mother in tow. Her own ferret cavorted behind her on his lead. Jonah was a beautiful, sable boy, wearing the teddy bear hat she’d bought last month.

“Jemma! Luci!” she cried, hugging me before stroking Luci under the chin. Luci struggled, and I put her down, where she immediately engaged in a crazy wrestling bout with Jonah. “Oh my God, the mermaid costume is divine! Mum, I need to get a girl ferret so I can buy one!”

Paisley’s mum raised her eyes to the sky. “No more animals, Pais.”

“Boys can be mermaids, too!” I reassured Paisley. “I don’t have any stock of this design, though. It’s still a prototype. Orders only for this outfit today.”

“Can I have it, Mum? Please?” she clasped her hands together, doing that googly eye thing that kids are so good at.

“Why don’t you have a browse. There might be something else that catches your eye,” I told them both. “Luci will keep Jonah entertained.”

As the pair wandered my stall, I glanced up. Ezra was helping Humphrey to set up his stall. They were chatting easily.

And Joe had slipped away while I was busy with Paisley.

“I’m sorry, lucky undies,” I whispered, patting myself on the bum. “I should learn to trust that you know what you’re doing.”

* * *

My undies fully redeemed themselves that morning. I was busy— really busy. It seemed that word was finally getting out amongst the ferret-having population that I was making adorable costumes for their best boys and girls.

I’d taken five orders for ‘The Little Mer-ferret’, and I’d sold a bunch of my premade costumes. The wizard had been particularly popular today, although the devil costume was closing the gap. I’d even had a custom order for a pink axolotl costume from a couple with the biggest albino boy I’d ever seen.

“Are you sure you’re a ferret and not a Maltese Terrier in disguise, my mate?” I asked him as I fed him one of Luci’s treats, winding my tape measure around his girthy middle. He nipped my finger. His owners tensed, but I laughed, scratching him on the head.

“Definitely channelling the Maltese vibes, aren’t you?”

His owners cackled at that, and by the glint in their eyes and their wide smiles when they said they looked forward to seeing me again when they collected their order, I was sure I’d secured myself a repeat customer.

My good luck apparently extended beyond my market stall, too. During a lull between customers, Ezra sidled over from where he’d been hanging out, watching Humphrey working his potting magic.

“Thank you,” he whispered, giving my shoulders a squeeze before I could so much as open my mouth to apologise for my verbal diarrhoea.

“Uh … you’re welcome?” I turned to him warily. “Ez, I’m so?—”

“Please don’t apologise, Jem.” He pressed a finger to my lips. I eyed him curiously, and he grinned, pushing my glasses back up my nose for me. “Your outburst was perfect! Humphrey told me that he felt like a deer in the headlights last month because he was crushing hard on me !”

Ezra tucked a strand of pink hair behind my ear as a slow smile spread across my face. “Are you telling me, Ezra Van den Berg, that if I hadn’t blurted it out, the pair of you would probably have spent the next six months mooning over each other silently?”

Ezra rolled his eyes. “Well, maybe not six months, but …”

“Matchmaker extraordinaire!” I crowed. “You said to me on Thursday that you wished you had my confidence talking to men. Well, that’s what you got … maybe not the way you thought, but hey, it worked!” I poked him in the side. “You better name your first child after me!”

Ezra’s horrified expression had me giggling heartily.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves …” he wrapped me up in a tight hug. “But thank you, again. We’re going out for dinner tonight!”

A little pang jolted through my belly at those words, but I pasted my brightest smile on my face and winked. “I won’t wait up.”

And then I turned, busying myself with sorting out my cash tin, and straightening up my stand, and feeding another treat to a very bouncy Luci. Ezra was far too good at reading my moods. And I was suddenly overwhelmed with loneliness. The thought of him out dating, while I was delighted for him, made me want to curl up on the couch in my underwear and eat my feelings.

Which reminded me that I really needed to get myself over to my favourite market stand. The one that sold the literal best donuts on the planet. And even better, they were gluten-free. Which meant I could actually eat them.

A warm, tingly sensation washed over me. I shivered, glancing around. What kept giving me this weird, tickling feeling that I was being watched? There was no one nearby, except Humphrey potting, or whatever it was called, next door, and Ezra watching him from a chair at the back of my stall. Only a few people were browsing the earring stand across the path.

But the feeling persisted. I collected Luci from her cage, scooping her into my arms, nuzzling her soft fur and adjusting her shell bra.

“Holy …” Ezra mumbled, getting to his feet. “Who in the hot Draco Malfoy is that?”

I rolled my eyes. “You’ve just scored a date with Hottie Potter next door. You don’t need to be scouting for another wand right now!”

Ezra snorted. “One wand is enough for me. But I can still objectively objectify a sexy blond.”

I threw him a wry glance, deciding to play along. “Alright, are we talking book Draco, or movie Draco?”

Ezra leered at me. “Fanfiction Draco.”

“Holy Hell!” I leapt to my feet, scanning the path, which of course was suddenly crowded. “Where?”

Ezra chuckled, pointing. “He headed that way.”

I craned my neck, stepping out from under my gazebo. My stomach fluttered when, several stalls away, I caught a glimpse of a blond head above the crowd, set on a pair of shoulders that I could quite easily picture myself clinging to while I acted out all sorts of depraved things. Many of them straight from the smutty books I loved so much.

“Ooooh, and he’s so tall!” I swooned. “And broad! But he’s already gone past. Was the front as delicious as the back?”

“Better.”

I sighed. “Why didn’t you lead with,” Fanfiction Draco at seven o’clock?”

“You can go chase him down if you want. I’ll hold the fort here.” Ezra raised an eyebrow.

Something under my skin itched to do just that. But I shook my head. “I used up all my man chatting confidence to get you a date with Clay Boy. I’ll just have to satisfy myself by objectifying him in my imagination.”

Ezra rolled his eyes as another wave of customers flooded my stall. I forgot about sexy blonds, and my bestie having a proper, actual date, and even my gluten-free donuts, for the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

“Shit!” I cursed, dropping the stack of costumes into a tub and rounding on Ezra, who was flirting with Humphrey as he bubble-wrapped his unsold stock.

Ezra looked up, concern in his green eyes. “What?”

“I didn’t get my donuts!”

Ezra leapt into action. “I’ll pack, you go!”

With a quickly blown kiss, I launched myself out from under my gazebo, weaving in and out of the stragglers, still hoping for a last-minute purchase, my sneakered feet pounding the pavement.

They wouldn’t have sold out. They always had leftovers at the end of the day for stallholders.

I needed those damned donuts, if I was going to get through tonight!

“Oof!”

I collided with something solid, staggering backwards and falling on my butt on the grass. My breath left my lungs in a whoosh.

I squinted up, the afternoon sun in my eyes. And then a shadow blocked it, like an eclipse. Blinking, I tried to make out what I’d run into.

Long legs, clad in butt-hugging jeans. And holy Hell, what a butt!

A narrow waist, widening to a broad set of shoulders in a black collared shirt.

A shock of silvery-blond hair.

Oh. My. God.

Was the universe screwing with me?

Or was this my lucky undies at work again?

As if in slow motion, he turned. I sat on the damp ground, frozen, holding my breath, waiting for the moment that his face came into view.

And there it was. Strong jaw, high cheekbones. An aristocratic nose. Eyes that appeared almost silver against his pale skin.

Fanfiction Draco indeed.

He was holding a huge, white box with a green donut logo on the side. The biggest donut box I think I’d ever seen! He smirked down at me, opened the box, and took out a delicious, cinnamon-and-sugary treat.

My mouth watered. I wasn’t even sure if it was because he’d just produced the object of my culinary cravings … or because the way his lips wrapped around it as he took a bite was utterly sinful.

He chewed slowly, his eyelids sliding shut. When he was done, his tongue skated along his bottom lip, licking up the stray sugar and cinnamon.

My own tongue mirrored his.

His eyes darkened to a stormy grey, and he stepped around me, back onto the path. Like a spell was broken, I shuddered at the sudden cold.

What a jerk! A small woman falls over because of his giant, solid back, and he doesn’t even offer to help her up? Just eats a donut like it’s a sex act and then saunters off?

I picked myself up, dusting off the back of my skirt and stormed towards the donut stall.

“I’ll have a?—”

“Sorry. We just sold the last of them.”

My shoulders slumped. “Any chance you can cook me one? Just a single donut? I need my fix!”

The young man shook his head, looking uncomfortable. “I would, except that last guy demanded like, eighty donuts. Totally wiped out my ingredients!”

I stiffened. “That … that giant blonde dude bought eighty donuts?”

The guy shrugged, scratching the back of his neck. “Well, he didn’t specify eighty, exactly. He just … asked me to use the rest of my dry mix, and he’d buy whatever that made. It was kinda weird, to be honest.”

I huffed. “Super weird.”

I turned, fighting back the lump in my throat. I wasn’t going to be sad about this. I could survive a Saturday night at home alone without sugary, fluffy, cinnamony goodness to tide me over.

From the corner of my eye, I spotted a flash of blond. He was waiting at the lights to cross the road. As I watched, the light turned green, and he and his eighty bloody donuts strolled onto the crossing.

Heat flooded my veins.

No, I wasn’t going to be sad.

I was going to be mad.

I was going to give that jerk a piece of my mind … and hopefully convince him to part with half a dozen of his eighty bloody donuts.

I sprinted towards the crossing.