Page 32 of Murder & Mayhem (Bloody Desires #9)

JAMESON

I slammed my hands on the kitchen counter. Then I did it again. And again. I was so fucking stupid. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Just like Joey had always said.

“Fuck!” I kicked the counter, wincing at the pain in my bare foot, but it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

I finally had something good and I’d ruined it. I always fucking ruined it.

Waking up and realizing what I’d been doing to Dominic . . . The nausea built up again and I ran to the sink, once again dry heaving.

After everything, how could I be so fucking disgusting? And then fucking Dominic, still being so sweet at first, gentle, like I wasn’t a monster? I shouldn’t have gotten angry at him, but when he’d acted all soft around me like I deserved comfort, it had flipped a switch in me.

I slumped halfway into the sink and turned on the water, letting the icy cold spray drench my face and head.

It still wasn’t enough to wash away the shame and anger I had at myself.

I was lucky Dominic didn’t kick me out .

. . and then after all that, I’d fucking safeworded on him.

My eyes closed as the water continued to run.

I was so damn exhausted, even though I’d just woken up.

“Jamie? Jamie? What the fuck?”

I barely registered the voice or the big body behind me until the water was shut off and I was being physically dragged away from the sink.

Gideon had me crowded against the counter, grocery and takeout bags thrown haphazardly onto the round kitchen table behind him.

His eyes looked wild and a little panicked, and I had no idea why, but the absurdity of the whole situation had me giggling, which eventually morphed into full-out laughter. Laughter I couldn’t fucking stop.

Gideon looked shell-shocked, but he turned away from me and grabbed the dishtowel that was lying near the stove.

“Here, dry yourself.”

Sucking in deep breaths, trying to get it together, I dried my face. Fuck, I was dripping all over the floor. I hadn’t even realized.

By the time I finished and squeezed out some of the excess water from my hair, the embarrassment hit. I looked at Gideon sheepishly over the towel.

“Sorry.”

He shrugged and turned, going to unload the groceries. “You’ve met my brothers. I’ve seen worse.”

I frowned at the mention of his brothers. Fuck, what was I going to do?

Gideon watched me from the corner of his eye. He finished putting the groceries away and then turned to the takeout he had gotten for us.

“Hungry?” he asked, like he hadn’t just witnessed my meltdown .

“Not really.”

“Probably should eat anyway. Don’t want Nicky on my ass for not taking care of you.”

I snorted. “I doubt he gives a fuck anymore.”

Gideon’s expression sharpened. “Now why would you say that?”

“‘Cause I’m a fuckup. I don’t deserve someone like Dominic, and I think he finally realized it. I can’t be trusted.”

“Why don’t you sit down and stop pacing? You’re making me dizzy. Then you can explain why you think that.”

God, were all the Vecchio brothers bossy as fuck? I hadn’t even realized I’d been pacing, though, so I stopped. Gideon opened the container of wings and threw a few on a paper plate. He pushed it toward me with a pointed look.

Grumbling under my breath like a brat, I took the chair closest to the plate with a huff. My stomach still felt queasy, but they did smell good. Maybe I could manage one or two?

I took a bite. “Mm-hmm, these are delicious.”

Gideon grinned. “Right? I always get them when we come here.”

That surprised me. “Do you come here a lot?”

Gideon moved his hand in a so-so gesture. “Probably at least once a year. More if we have business over here. But it’s close enough to the shore that we use it as a vacation house.”

“I’ve never been on vacation.”

Gideon hummed. “Yeah, I hadn’t either until I was an adult. Maybe once we get Bailey, all five of us can go somewhere. The mountains are nice this time of year.”

I stared at him incredulously. Who the fuck were these people? Gideon seemed unbothered, casually eating his food. I huffed again before tearing off more of the chicken with my teeth.

Gideon left me alone for so long, I thought I was going to get away with not answering his questions about Dominic and what he’d walked in on.

But I couldn’t get away quickly enough, and as I was about to slide out of my chair and go hide somewhere, Gideon pinned me with a look. “Wanna tell me what that”—he waved toward the sink—“was all about?”

I bit my lip. “Not really.”

Gideon laughed. “Okay, then what about you said about my brother finally realizing you aren’t worth it? Because I know that’s some bullshit.”

I glared. “How could you possibly know that? You weren’t there.

I fucked up, did something so wrong, so .

. .” I closed my eyes, trying to push back the disgust I felt toward myself.

Because the worst part of all of it? When I’d woken up and felt Dominic’s hardening cock in my mouth through the fabric of his underwear, I’d liked it.

For the first time in years, I’d felt . .

. something down below. I hadn’t been all the way hard, but when I’d run in a panic to the bathroom to get away, my dick hadn’t been the useless, limp thing I’d grown accustomed to between my legs.

It had been thicker and there’d been a pleasurable ache there.

I’d assaulted Dominic and liked it. Then gotten mad at him. I was fucking sick.

“So tell me. Because there are only a few things in life I’m confident of my knowledge in, and my brothers are two of those things.

Dominic imprinted on you, kid. From the second he saw you in that creepy old house, you were his, even if neither of you realized it.

I’m not sure there’s anything you could do that would get him to turn his back on you now.

Maybe if you tried to kill Ari or me, but honestly, that may not be enough. ”

Gideon said it with such confidence. There was not a doubt in his mind that Dominic had claimed me. I squirmed, uncomfortable. I wanted that to be true. Even if it couldn’t last, I wanted to be Dominic’s. My brain quieted with him in a way it never had before.

I didn’t want to discuss this shit with Dominic’s brother, especially before I talked to the man himself. That would’ve been the mature thing, right? To talk out what had happened? But my mouth had other plans, I guessed, and suddenly I was blurting out, “I assaulted him.”

Gideon wasn’t expecting that, obviously. He froze, eyes wide. “Okay . . . How about you start from the beginning?”

And for some insane reason, I did. I word-vomited everything that had happened, pretty much from the very start, when I’d realized Bailey was missing. Then I finished with how I’d woken up this afternoon.

“And like, this whole time, Dominic has been preaching consent and all this shit. Even something as basic as touching me or whatever, he’s been clear I had a right to say no.

It’s, like, super fucking important to him, and then I go and do something like that!

Then, because I’m a major fucking asshole that has no control over my emotions, I lashed out.

Accused him of not listening to my safeword or whatever.

So he stopped pushing me for answers then, because of course he fucking did.

And now I know he’s mad at me. He let me leave.

Let me come down here and hasn’t come down since to make sure I didn’t run away or something.

Because he gave up on me. He realized I’m a piece of shit and more effort than I’m worth.

I couldn’t even have a fucking conversation with him about something that I did wrong! And now he’s done.”

I was crying by then. Crying and shaking and so, so fucking tired. My arms were covered by my hoodie, so I clawed at my thighs instead, trying to clear my head enough to breathe.

Someone was kneeling in front of me now, and I opened my eyes, only to burst into tears when I saw it was Gideon and not Dominic.

Which, of course it was. Dominic wasn’t here.

He didn’t even know I was full-on spiraling, and even if he did, well, this would probably solidify his decision to back away from the crazy man.

Gideon grinned goofily. “I know I’m not as pretty as Nicky, but I’m not that bad looking.”

I couldn’t help it. I laughed. Laughed while crying. While snot ran out of my nose and my eyes could barely stay open from how badly they stung from the tears. Then I kept laughing.

Gideon joined me, his chuckle deep and way more in control, but I couldn’t imagine what we looked like if Dominic were to walk in.

Without moving, Gideon used his long arms to reach across the table and grab the roll of paper towels that was sitting there. He tore off a piece and handed it to me with a pointed stare. Wipe your face . I did. Still half-laughing, half-crying.

“There we go. That’s better.” He had the same easy, gentle tone Nicky did when I was having a mental breakdown, and I wondered if it was a family trait, even if they weren’t related by blood.

“Can I tell you what I think, about everything you just said? Now, I know my opinion might not mean much, but I’ve known Nicky since I was eight years old, and there’s no one I want at my back more than him.

I know the man inside and out. All his flaws, his triggers, his favorite tools to use to flay a man’s skin off, pretty much every fucking thing.

So, I feel like I’m talking from a place of some confidence when I tell you this. ”

I chewed on my thumb but nodded. I wanted to hear his opinion. Whatever it was. Lord knew, my brain was a jumble of chaos. I needed someone to help lay things out for me.