Page 40

Forty

Henry

I pick up tacos on the way to the Lakefront Trail, and when I get back in the car, I see Jade’s hands running over the new leather.

My grandpa’s seventy-six Chevelle was my dad’s before I was given it at sixteen. Grandpa always kept it in great condition, but after college, it needed some work. So when I was playing in Chicago the first time, I spent weekends during my offseason with my grandpa and a few of his friends to get it up and running. I had to outsource some of the work, but I’m proud that I got to do that with Grandpa while he told me stories about my dad and him doing the same thing decades before.

“It’s really nice, Henry,” she says, taking the bag from my hands and placing it at her feet.

“Thanks.” I hope she hears the pride in my voice.

I drive us to the lakefront. Parking in a garage isn’t my favorite thing to do with this car, but there’s no other option.

“Don’t you love my daddy’s car?” Bodhi asks Jade, climbing out of the back on her side, not mine. “It’s going to be mine someday. It was my great-grandpa’s.”

I tousle his hair and grab his hand, taking the tacos with my other hand since Jade has her camera bag. My backpack with all our other essentials is secured on my back.

“I do love it. Do you know it used to be red?” she asks him.

We share a look over Bodhi’s head. I hope she’s remembering all the memories we created in that car. At first, I thought it’d be therapeutic to give it an overhaul. But even after the torn leather and the old radio were replaced, none of the changes could take away the memories of her sitting next to me.

“Really? I love the color red.” Bodhi looks up at me. “When it’s mine, can I paint it red?”

“When it’s yours, you can do whatever you want to it.”

“I’m gonna paint it red.” He’s so sure of himself as we walk up the stairs from the underground garage.

By the time we set up the blanket on the grass that’s practically dead, my stomach growls with hunger. The ground is cool under the blanket, and the air is pretty crisp this close to the water, but I’m still savoring this time with my two favorite people.

Jade sits down, immediately retrieving her camera from its carrier, and it pulls a smile from me. Bodhi is snug to her side, watching her press the buttons and get it ready. We have about another hour before sunset, and I hope that Bodhi stays interested enough and warm enough to remain here as long as possible.

“Want to eat first?” I ask. “It’s going to get cold.”

She sets the camera on the blanket. “Good plan.”

Bodhi pretty much follows anything Jade wants, so he agrees too.

We all eat our tacos, which are delicious as always. Jade and Bodhi have chicken, and I got steak. I hand Bodhi a napkin, and he wipes his mouth when he’s done.

“Can we take some pictures now?” he asks excitedly.

Jade laughs. “Sure.” She situates herself with her legs open, facing the lake. She pats the space between her legs. “Come sit here.”

He jumps in the spot and extends his legs so they run along hers. Jade positions the camera in front of him so they can both view the screen, then she places his hand under hers holding the camera.

I finish my last taco, admiring the two people I love the most working together to create something beautiful.

“See. And then here’s the picture,” she says. “Now you point and aim at whatever you want to take a picture of.”

She still helps him hold the camera but gives him the control to point it wherever he wants. He clicks the button, and the camera tips down, taking a picture of the ground.

“I just got the brown grass,” he whines.

“Let’s try again. It’s heavy, right?”

He turns his head, and my breath stops at what I see in his eyes as he looks at her. Who am I kidding? Why would I not think that he’d become as attached to her as I am? That’s not going to change whether he knows about us or not.

“Miss Jade?” he asks, still looking at her while she fiddles with some settings on the camera.

“Yeah?” She rests the camera on her leg and gives him her sole focus.

“Can I call you…”

Oh shit. No. No. No.

“Jade?” he finishes.

I release the breath I was holding. Not because I wouldn’t love for him to call her Mom one day, but I don’t want to scare her off, not when I’m finally making progress.

“Sure. But in the classroom, can you try to remember Miss Jade? It’s a school thing.” She shrugs.

He giggles. “Yeah, I can.”

“Great.”

She shows him a few more times, and he eventually becomes accustomed to the weight of the camera. Once he’s comfortable with it, she allows him to walk around near us with the camera.

“What should I take pictures of?” he asks.

“Anything you love. Any moment you want to capture. Anything you find interesting,” she says. “It’s all about your eye. What you see.”

She leans back on her hands, and I do the same, both of us watching him.

“He’s so great, Henry. I know I’ve told you before, but you’ve done a great job.”

The fact that she thinks I’m a good dad only makes my heart want to leap into her hands and say own me.

“Thanks. He’s kind of easy, but sometimes I fear I’ve made him a tad too responsible. My biggest fear is that he’s not enjoying his childhood as much as he should be. That he’s always worried about one thing or the other. I’d like him to be more carefree.”

“Nah. He’s perfect just how he is.”

We watch as Bodhi takes pictures of the sky, the trees, of the bicyclists soaring by. Nothing beats seeing a kid exploring the world around them with such excitement.

“Can I ask you something?” There’s a hint of discomfort in her tone.

“Anything.”

“Does he know? Or even understand about the adoption.”

“The first few months were hard. He had a lot of nightmares. Still has some, but I’m not sure if they’re about things he saw or experienced as much as just the nightmares all kids get. Maybe it’s because my childhood blew up so young, but I didn’t want to keep secrets from him. Plus, I haven’t had him since birth. Eventually, he’d ask me why we don’t really look alike, why there are no pictures of him as an infant. I want him to know he can always trust me. But I struggled with the right decision for a long time.”

“I’m sure you handled it great.”

I bring my knees up and wrap my arms around them, smiling at Bodhi getting really close to a bush to take a picture. “Nothing challenges your self-confidence more than raising a child. I’ve never second-guessed myself so much in my entire life.”

She knocks her shoulder to mine. “We both turned out okay.”

She’s right. We survived, and we both went through devastating things in our childhood. Her parents’ divorce and the fact her dad never put her first. And obviously, my parents’ deaths.

“I just wish I could give him more family. That’s why as much as Reed tells me to move out of The Nest, I just can’t. The guys are like uncles to him, and Kyleigh’s like a…”

“A mom?” she asks, and I hear the crack in her voice.

“Well, more like an aunt. They’re close, but she’s not a mother to him.” I glance over and see her eyes are only on Bodhi. “He wants a mom, though. Does that scare you?”

She doesn’t turn to look at me. “It should.” A little giggle bubbles out of her. “I mean, I’m a mess. I’m living with my parents, and I have no idea what my future looks like, but… it doesn’t. I’m not sure I’d be the kind of mom he’d want though.”

“Hey,” I say, placing my finger on her chin and turning her to look at me. “You’re not a mess. You’re starting fresh, and that’s okay. That takes courage. And his only expectation of a mother is for her to love him. That’s all he wants. And you’ve always been the best at loving someone.”

She turns away from me and blinks quickly a few times, not responding.

“Jade!” Bodhi shouts and runs over.

“Be careful,” she says.

“Yeah, bud, that’s an expensive camera.”

“You don’t want to hurt yourself by falling on the camera.” Jade opens her arms, and Bodhi gets down on his knees next to her.

She wraps her arms around his back and helps him hold the camera while he shows her the pictures he took. That’s what he wants. What he’s experiencing right now with her. I hope she can see there’s a spot for her in our lives. Our only expectation is that she loves us, and Jade knows how to love. If she didn’t, I’d never have yearned for her for as long as I have. I just need her to come to that realization herself, which I hope, over time, she will.