Page 54 of Moonlight & Matrimony (Oak Ridge #2)

Ivy

? Francesca - Hozier

I n the stillness of my quiet studio, I stare absentmindedly at a blank canvas, desperately searching for inspiration, but every image is soaked in blood and darkness. The once vibrant colors of my world feel dull and lifeless.

We’ve been home for a week and nothing feels right.

I can’t figure out how to fix what’s been broken.

Rylin hasn’t said a word to anyone and Luca spends all of his time rebuilding the workshop.

I keep hoping I’ll wake to his warmth wrapped around me, but the bed remains cold and empty.

It feels like I’m slowly suffocating between the walls that once felt so much like home, and I need to get out.

Another day comes and goes with a silent Rylin and an absent Luca; my heart feeling like it’s being torn from my chest. I should feel safe now that Austin is no longer a threat, but I would give anything to go back in time to have my vibrant daughter back, and sink back into my husband’s warm embrace.

I foolishly thought we were starting to break through our barriers, but I can’t help but wonder if this has broken us beyond repair.

Austin’s family hasn’t fought us on anything, and I’m grateful for the reprieve.

I don’t think I'll ever forgive them for enabling his behavior.

His will left a little money to Rylin, but I don't want anything from him or his family after what he put us through. Send me to hell if you must, but I believe he got what he deserved in the end. I’m only sorry Luca has to live with the guilt of what he was forced to do.

I walk down the quiet hallway to Rylin’s bedroom, now painted a beautiful sky blue with fluffy white clouds and a rainbow above her bed.

It was the last thing we did together as a family before the world came crashing down around us.

I’ll never forget the joy on Rylin’s face as she splattered paint on Luca’s overalls, or how he took the paintbrush to her nose in retaliation before wrapping her up in his arms.

I miss who we once were — the unconventional, patchwork family — each piece sewn together with uneven threads, beautiful in its chaos. Mama’s words replay in my head like they have so many times.

“ Just don’t lose your heart, Ivy girl.”

I suppose I should have heeded the warning.

The sound of muffled screams and distressed grunts carries down the hallway.

I must have fallen asleep on the settee in my studio after giving up on my latest attempt to put brush to canvas.

My bare feet make no sound on the cool floor as I move towards the living room.

The sight that greets me stops me in my tracks; Luca is huddled in the corner, his arms wrapped tightly around his knees.

His eyes are wide open, but unfocused, trapped in a nightmare. The feeling is all too familiar.

The sound of Luca’s distressed breathing cuts through the quiet of the night, the sharp, panicked gasps, and the unmistakable sound of him muttering quietly to himself, his voice breaking and trembling. My heart aches at the sight of him, and I reluctantly take a slow, measured step forward.

“Luca,” I whisper, trying to gently break through the haze of his nightmare. “Luca, baby. You’re safe. You’re at home.”

I keep my voice calm, but still, there’s tension in his shoulders as he flinches at my words.

I continue to move closer, trying to stay as non-threatening as possible.

“Luca, look at me. Please, look at me.” A tear escapes below my lashes, a feeling of helplessness clawing at my chest. When he finally meets my gaze, his expression is filled with a mixture of guilt and terror.

I take one more step forward as Luca’s breathing evens out, though he still looks utterly haunted.

I sink down next to him, leaning my head on his shoulder. “What are we going to do?” I whisper.

“I… I don’t know,” he stutters, his lips brushing over my temple in a barely there kiss.

Luca

“I can’t live like this,” she whispers, shattering what remains of my heart as I take in the tears tracking down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” I reply, my voice sullen and hoarse.

“You couldn’t have known. I ran. I put us in that position,” she says, picking at her thumb as we sit on the cold floor, clinging to each other like it’s our last hope. I love this girl so much it hurts, but I can’t be what she needs and she has to sense that.

If someone asked me if I regret how it ended, the answer would be unequivocally no.

I would take him down again in a heartbeat.

But if you asked me if the aftermath was worth it?

Well, that’s much more complicated — seeing Rylin damaged beyond comprehension, and Ivy clinging to the pieces of what remains of our once contented life, has stolen the last of my fortitude.

I could live with knowing he’s still out there, still tormenting us for better or worse, but the thought that they might never be the same because I wasn’t there to protect them is pure agony.

“I’m so fucking sorry, sweetheart.” The words come out like a plea. I’m holding tight to the last threads of sanity as I search her face for a sign that we might be okay, but it’s an empty canvas, devoid of the light that used to reside there.

Her gaze locks with mine as more tears stream down her cheeks. I cup her face in my hand, bringing our foreheads together. “What do we do?” she asks.

“The only thing we can do. We keep trying.”

“I don’t know if I can,” she admits. “Nothing feels okay anymore. Like… like I lost a part of myself in that creek bed and I’ll never be whole again. Rylin… I don’t know how to help her. I can’t fix her and I…” her heart rate picks up, her breaths coming out in shallow gasps.

“You have to keep breathing, Ivy. If not for you, then for Ry. She needs you. One day she’s going to have so much to say, and you need to be there.”

“Wh — what about you?”

I don’t answer as I bring my lips to her forehead. Soon enough, she’ll see they're better off without me.

“Okay Bug. Do you want cheerios or fruit loops?” I ask.

Rylin wordlessly pulls the box of cheerios across the island, carefully pouring a small bowl, several pieces landing on the countertop.

Sweeping the stray kernels into my hand, I fill her bowl with some milk, and she tucks into her breakfast. Her eyes remain downcast, as they have for the last several weeks.

I miss the brilliant blue depths of the little girl who holds my heart in the palm of her hand.

Despite our best efforts, and therapy with Evelyn, Rylin simply isn’t ready to talk.

I long for just one of her sweet giggles.

The sound has started to fade from my memory the longer the silence stretches on.

“Hey love, we’re gonna go out to the ranch. Want to see Oreo and the other barn kitties?” Ivy asks. Rylin momentarily perks up but the excitement disappears seconds later. It feels like every step forward brings us two steps back.

“Do you want me to come with you?” I offer. “I can text Miles and extend my leave.”

“No. It’s okay. You have to get back to work sometime.”

“Okay. Be careful and text me if you need anything.” I kiss both of their foreheads in quick succession and head out the door for my first day back at work.

The cold chill of late November settles in my bones alongside the ghosts that haunt me at night as I pull up to the diner, stealing myself to face the questioning stare of its customers for the first time since the wreck.

We’ve avoided public interaction as much as possible since Ivy was released from the hospital.

I couldn’t take the longing glances and pity on their faces that followed me while she was fighting for her life.

I exit onto main street, glancing around at the Thanksgiving decorations in the shop windows. The bell chimes over the door as I enter the diner, Rosie’s compassionate gaze meeting mine from behind the counter. She rounds the corner, wrapping me in a sullen embrace.

“How are y'all holding up?” she asks, cupping my cheeks.

My shoulders slump as I suck in a steadying breath. I don’t want to lie. After all, nothing gets past Rosie. “Not sure we’ll ever be the same,” I admit.

“We’re here when you’re ready to come back to us. All three of you.”

I nod in acknowledgement, refusing to say what I know in my heart to be true; there’s no coming back from this.

After placing my order for coffee and pastries for the crew, I head back down the familiar path towards the job site, spotting Miles in the parking lot, a look of understanding crossing his features as I approach and say nothing. He won’t pry, and I’m grateful.

Ivy

“Hey Joey,” Griff says, wrapping me in one of his signature bear hugs. “How’re my favorite girls?”

He’s not treating me with kid gloves and it’s like the first breath of fresh air in weeks. “Been better,” I admit. Rylin clings to my hand like a lifeline as Griff crouches down beside her.

“Hey Ry. Wanna come see Misty with me?”

A soft smile tugs at the corners of her mouth, but her smile still doesn’t reach her eyes.

Griffin takes her hand and leads her away to the small stable that houses the ponies as Jax approaches from the big house.

“Wanted to talk to you about something,” he says, an expression I can’t quite place flashing over his features.

“Sure. Sit on the porch with me?”

We settle on the twin rocking chairs and I wrap my sweater tightly around my arms to combat the chill in the air. I think back to the time I spent in the hospital, the crappy bedside meals with what remained of my family, my broken body still healing from the wounds, both physical and mental.

“You’re struggling, Ivy. I can see it in your face.”

“I never said I wasn’t struggling,” I bite back, a little of my former fierceness clawing its way out.

Jax’s face softens. “Didn’t mean it like that. Just wanted to offer you an out, is all.”

My brows draw together as I assess his features. “What do you mean?”

He glances around the ranch, as if carefully contemplating his next words.

“Colorado,” he says. He must notice the confusion written on my face when I don’t respond so he continues.

“Wilder has some land out there, and a nice big house near the mountains. You and Ry could go stay with him for a while. Luca, too, if that’s what y'all want.”

I open my mouth to speak, but he stops me. “It’s obvious this place stirs up bad memories. I can see it every time you pull up to the big house. The way you white knuckle the steering wheel each time you leave. We see you, Ivy. No matter how hard you try to hide from us.”

“I’m sorry.” I bow my head, guilt and shame overwhelming me.

“Don’t be sorry. We want to help you, but I don’t think staying in Oak Ridge is the answer. I can’t even begin to understand what you’re going through, but Jo, it can’t hurt to try.”

When I don’t respond, Jax stands and says, “Just think about it.”

I linger for a while, thinking everything over until the sun sinks below the horizon, and I can no longer ignore the inevitable.

I leave the ranch a swirling mess of emotions and questions.

Could I leave it all behind? Could I leave him ?

Despite every challenge we’ve faced since everything happened, I never thought for a second Luca might leave me, and I don’t know if I can bring myself to do that to him, but I’m certain he would never come with me.

He wouldn’t leave Paige, not when they’ve just started to heal their relationship.

After tucking Rylin into bed that night, I contemplate retreating to my old room but ultimately decide to sink back into the familiar comfort of Luca’s bed.

I’m not sure when I started spending my nights here, but it felt right.

And even though he won’t be there, his scent still lingers on the sheets, and if that’s all I can have, I’ll cling to it.

But I’m utterly shocked when I step through the door to find him standing near the floor to ceiling windows in nothing but a pair of low slung gray sweatpants.

“Luca?” My voice seems to startle him out of his thoughts.

His eyes darken as he takes in my figure, illuminated by the dim light of the hallway.

The longer his gaze lingers, the more self-conscious I feel.

Does he still see the woman I was before the scars?

Before the pain that’s etched itself into my skin like a brand? Damaged.

He takes several cautious steps in my direction, the air thickening as he closes the distance between our bodies.

A heartbeat later, he’s standing in front of me, his focus locked in on my face, studying my features.

My breath hitches as his hand comes to rest along the side of my neck, sweeping my hair away from my skin as his thumb trails along my chin.

He finds the small scar below my lip, laying a gentle kiss along its jagged edge, his tenderness fraying my nerves.

My breath fans over his hair as his lips trace a path along my jaw and down my neck, before returning to my lips in a featherlight touch. “Is this okay?” he whispers.

“Yes,” I breathe, soaking in the warmth of his skin. I’ve been aching for him, starved of his touch for weeks despite our proximity.

His teeth nip at my bottom lip playfully as our kiss deepens.

I sweep my tongue into his mouth, tasting him for what feels like the first time all over again, and it shatters the last of my resolve.

I throw my arms around his shoulders, pulling his body against mine in a silent plea.

He lifts me up, my legs instinctively wrapping around his waist as he walks us towards the bed.

“Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll stop,” he says, a little breathlessly.

I search his face for the answer to an unknown question. “I want you, Luca. I’ve always wanted you,” I confess. He closes his eyes and, for a moment, I wonder if I said the wrong thing.

“I need you,” he whispers. His voice is dejected, almost mournful, and it threatens to destroy what's left of me in the aftermath.

“You have me.”

His movements are slow and deliberate as he removes his pants and crawls over me. His hands find the hem of my t-shirt, tossing it over the bed before doing the same to my pants. “You’re so goddamn beautiful,” he mutters, his fingertips tracing over the scar along my hip bone.

Tears start to gather as he worships every inch of my body with his hands and his mouth, stopping to lay heartbreaking kisses along every scar from the wreck that broke us all those weeks ago.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes, and in that moment, I’m certain there’s no coming back from this.

Every time he looks at me, he’ll be reminded of the woman I once was — the one that died in that creek bed. This feels like goodbye.