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CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Kassandra

I was absolutely going to regret letting David help me. My heart was involved and that was never a good thing.

"On one condition," I added before he got too excited.

"Uh -oh. I'm not going to like this, am I?"

I shook my head. He was definitely not going to like it, but I needed to put the stipulation in place anyway. For my sake.

"You need to let me pay you back." I stopped him before he could say anything. "Not immediately. Not even in the next year. But slowly you need to let me pay you back. It's the only way I can let you help me." I was desperate to put some kind of barrier up. Things got murky when money was involved and I didn't want that to happen to us. I needed David in my life now more than anything, and that was a scary thought.

"Fine. I'll let you pay me back but only after the boys graduate from high school. They come first and I won't be the reason they miss out on something."

He drove a hard bargain but they were terms I could accept.

"Deal."

"Do you think we should go talk to Mikey?"

I squirmed in my seat. "Actually, I think I should go talk to him alone. I owe him an explanation."

"Okay, but I'm here if you need me."

I smiled at him as the wall around my heart splintered a little more. Michael had done a good job of destroying it, but at the rate David was going, I just knew he would knock the wall down and piece my heart back together.

"I know you are."

I rushed out of the room before I said more. One of these days I was going to blurt out exactly how I still felt.

Upstairs I knocked on Mikey's door and waited for him to holler that I could come in. I found him on his bed playing with his hockey stick. He was juggling the puck like he did often when he was thinking.

"Can I come in and talk to you?"

He didn't take his eyes off what he was doing but he nodded “yes,” so I took that as enough of an invitation to come in and sat down in his desk chair. I made sure to be completely out of the way of the puck. I knew from experience they could hurt when hit by them. Having a hockey player for a son meant I learned that lesson early on. His father never practiced with him, so that left me. I was quick to get out of the way when Mikey swung.

"Are you excited for college to start this summer?"

The university that drafted him wanted him to start after graduation so he could condition with the team. It meant that, in a few short months, my first baby was going to be out of the house. I wasn't sure I was ready for that.

"I'm excited to play hockey at another level. I'm not happy to be leaving you and Nate here all alone. Especially after what happened today."

"Oh, honey. You can't miss out on enjoying your life because of your brother and me."

"Why? You did."

Ouch! That stung. Only because it was true though.

"I'm your mother. It's expected of me to make sacrifices for my children."

"You should've left him, you know."

Mikey was no longer bouncing the puck, so I took the opportunity to roll closer to him and explain. "I know I should've. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying with him, by keeping our family together. I realize now that was foolish of me." I shrugged my shoulders. "I guess I thought I was sheltering you from the bad that was happening between us but now I realize you saw it all."

"Not all of it, and I never thought twice about it until I saw Brittany's parents together. They're affectionate all the time and she thinks it's so gross."

I chuckled. "I can imagine why she would think that. You would probably be the same way if you saw me kissing someone."

Mikey didn't say anything at first. He just stared down at the floor like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"What's on your mind, Mikey?"

"Would it be weird if I wasn't grossed out by it but, instead, encouraged it?"

"What do you mean?" I'm pretty sure I knew what he meant, but this was one of those times I needed him to spell it out for me. Like the time I had to give him the sex talk. There was no room for hypotheticals.

Mikey threw himself back on the bed like he used to when he was a toddler and didn't want to answer a question. It was hilarious to see a six-foot man do it, even if it wasn't nearly as dramatic.

"I want you to date, Mom. I want you to be happy. I want to see a man treat you the way Mr. Smith treats his wife. Brittany might think it's gross but I think it's nice after all these years they still kiss and touch each other, even when people are around."

It was sweet he felt that way. "Honey, your father just died. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to jump into a relationship so soon."

That had Mikey sitting back up. "Screw appropriate. The two of you haven't had a good marriage in years. And I'm not stupid. I know Dad cheated on you plenty. You deserve better."

It killed me how observant he was. That this whole time he knew what was going on and never said anything.

"I know I do." Mikey didn't look like he believed me and who could blame him. I let his father treat me like crap for over a decade. "Trust me, I know I deserve better but I'm not going to just jump into any old relationship just because your father is now gone. I want to focus on you boys and find myself again. Staying with your father did a number on me and it wouldn't be fair to dump those problems on someone else."

I didn't go into details but I needed to find my self-worth before I even considered dating again.

"Just promise me if a man is interested, you won't turn him down because of us?"

"I promise."

"Okay."

"Can we talk about what you said downstairs?"

"I don't take it back," Mikey grumbled. "I know we’re supposed to love our parents but Dad ignored us. He never showed up for a single game. He didn't attend any school events. The only time he talked about us was when he wanted to brag to his friends. The only person he cared about was himself. His death was no different."

I sighed, and had to agree with him. "You're entitled to your feelings. I'm not going to argue because everything you said is true. I wish it had been different. I tried to overcompensate by attending all your stuff in hopes that you and Nate didn't notice your father's absence, but clearly I failed."

"No, Dad failed. You did everything right."

"I wouldn't go that far," I chuckled.

"You're right. There was that time you had us show up to a party in costumes when the family didn't celebrate any holidays."

"Oh my God . . ." I dropped my head into my hands. "I forgot all about that. In my defense, the party was Halloween weekend and I could've sworn I heard one of the other parents saying it was a costume party."

"I thought the mother was going to stroke out when we walked in," he howled.

"So did I. I've never been so humiliated in my life. I don't think they ever invited us back to another party they had."

"That's okay, we weren't even friends. I didn't know why you said yes to the party anyway."

I slapped his knee. "Thanks for telling me that now!"

We both continued to laugh at the memory. There were so many good times we’d had just the three of us. So what if Michael didn't want to be a part of it? That was his loss. My only concern was making sure my kids were okay from the trauma, but based on how Mikey acted, I think he was going to be just fine. And Brittany was one lucky girl.

"I need to go check on your brother and see how his math test went today."

"He was smiling when he came out, so I think it means he did good."

I hoped so. It was hard watching your son struggle the same way you did as a kid and not have a solution to fix it. The math these days was different and some of my strategies didn't work when I tried to help him.

"That's good. I'll see you downstairs for dinner. I love you."

"I love you too, Mom."

I would continue to tell him that every time we spoke.

I knocked on Nate's door next. I was granted the same entry as before, but unlike Mikey's spotless room, Nate's was a mess. He thrived on chaos and I learned early on that it was better to let him have it because really it was a clean mess. There were no dirty dishes or clothes lying around. Nate just needed to be surrounded by stuff.

"Hey, Mom."

"Hey, kiddo. I came to see how you did on your test today. It got a little overshadowed by the letter but I didn't forget it was today."

"I got an eighty-seven on it. That's why I was late getting out. I stopped by to see my teacher and ask how I did."

I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed. "An eighty-seven is amazing. I'm so proud of you!"

"Thanks, but all the credit goes to David. I have no idea what he did yesterday but it just clicked when he explained it to me."

"Don't for a second sell yourself short. You've been studying your butt off and it paid off. Be proud of yourself."

Nate smiled. "I am."

"Good. Now tell me about the rest of your day."

We sat there for the next thirty minutes and just talked. It was relaxing to simply sit back and enjoy time with my son. I could worry about the Michael mess later.