Page 34 of Maverick (The Bull Riders #3)

Chapter Fourteen

Stella

Things change after that day. I spend the night in his bed every night. And I’m not sure what it means. I don’t want to make it mean anything, but it’s harder and harder to think that it doesn’t.

I’ve been trying not to be ridiculous about it. I’ve been trying not to attribute too much meaning to anything that’s just a man enjoying having available sex. Because of course it’s entirely possible that’s all it is. That’s all I am.

But it doesn’t feel like that when we’re together.

It doesn’t feel like that when we have coffee together in the morning, or when we go to bed together at night.

That’s a big one. Actually sleeping with him.

Sharing the bed, the room that he used to share with her.

Maybe I shouldn’t feel special, but I do.

Maybe it shouldn’t feel significant, but it does.

I’m tired of gaslighting myself about it.

I keep telling myself that I only feel these things because he’s my first sexual partner.

But there are other reasons that I feel them.

They have to do with him. They have to do with the way that he’s treated me.

I haven’t arrived at these feelings, this conclusion, in a vacuum.

On top of that, everything is going amazingly with Frank.

I’m ready to register for my first event with him.

Though the deadline is after the championship, and I’m kind of thinking I should wait until then.

I’m thinking… I’m thinking a lot of things, honestly.

And if I try to articulate them, I think I might freak myself out.

The reality is, it’s hard for me to think ahead to the end of our time together. Hard for me to think about still working with Frank when I’m not with Maverick.

I don’t want to imagine a time when I’m not with him.

That’s becoming increasingly clear. I don’t think… I don’t think he wants to be without me either. At least, I hope that’s true.

It’s been an interesting thing, being with him. Pursuing dressage without my family intruding. Without them being involved. To remove myself from the rodeo, which was an environment I threw myself into as a response to my family.

It’s like I’ve got some clarity. Like I’ve finally got myself, separated from all these things.

But it’s so funny, because the poker game, that was a little bit about Harmony, about her engagement. About Colt and his injury. But everything since then has just felt like it was about me. About us. Everything since then has just felt good. Right and real.

And more like a centered version of me that I’ve never found before.

Because I’m always reacting. I don’t want to react. Not now. I want to act.

He’s been this stunning, beautiful, generous figure in my life. He’s accepted me as I am in a way that nobody else ever has. And he thinks he’s the villain.

He’s so not.

We’ve been working together today. Me casually doing the barrel course, while he’s been on the mechanical bull, working on core strength. Not that his core isn’t already incredibly strong, but he’s got to keep it up.

But we’ve been doing this sort of parallel work that I find so soothing. It feels right.

It feels like the kind of life I want to live.

And I have that same feeling at the center of my chest that I had when I bet myself in the poker game.

Except it’s a positive version of that. That night, what I felt was this deep, driving need to be something other than what I had been.

To leave my life behind. What I feel now is this deep, driving need to make this my life. To secure it. To secure him.

And the words are out of my mouth as I stand there next to Cloud Dancing, before I can even think them through. “I think I’m in love with you.”

Maverick leaps off the mechanical bull. I think he was about done with that rep, but it’s hard not to think that he jumps off in shock.

“What?”

“I’m in love with you, Maverick Quinn.”

I look at him, and I refuse to look the other way.

I refuse to turn away from this moment, because I think he loves me too.

Or at least, I think he’s getting there.

Or at the very least, I think he could be happy to have me in his life.

The truth is, he wasn’t happy before me.

I know that. And maybe I’ll never make him as happy as Sadie did.

Maybe I’ll never make him as happy as he might’ve been in that previous possibility of a life he could’ve had, but I can make him happier than he is now.

I know I can. We can have sex, dinner, and picnics.

We can work out together. We can work with his horses together. We could build his ranch together.

“Stella, what are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about. I love you. I… The longer I’m here, the more I just want to be here. With you. That’s the honest truth, Maverick. The longer I’m with you, the longer I want to be with you. The more that I want this to be forever.”

I don’t know what I expect from him, but it’s not sadness. And that’s what I see in his eyes now. This deep, intense sadness. I hate it. Because it’s like pity, and that’s not what I’m after. Not from him.

“Stella… I didn’t want this to happen.”

“You’re not in control of me.”

“It’s not…”

“Yeah. Whatever. It’s you protecting me, or whatever noble thing you’re going to say. You’re just being ridiculous. Why can’t I just be with you as long as we both like it? You don’t have to say that you love me.”

“Because I don’t want you here permanently,” he says.

“Well, I think that’s bullshit,” I say. My anger is getting the better of me now. Because I’m hurt. Because I want to yell at him, scream at him for being like this. For making this so difficult when it doesn’t have to be.

“It’s okay if you love her more than you love me,” I say.

“I’m used to that. My parents love Harmony more than they love me.

But I’m still their kid. That relationship still matters.

At least, it will someday when I reconnect with them.

I can be with you and be happy. I’m happy with us the way that we are.

I just don’t want it to end. You don’t have to love me as much as you love her.

I can keep sharing you. I’ve been happy sharing you. ”

Something on his face is changing, and he no longer looks sad. There’s something about it that looks angry. And I know that I should probably quit talking, but I also don’t want to. I don’t want to stop.

I want to just say it all. And I’ve done it before.

I said everything to my parents. I broke that whole relationship.

I have my regrets about it. And I have things that I stand by.

And I’m about to do the same thing now. I already know that I’m going to regret half of what I say to this man.

But I need to fight. This isn’t about me burning things to the ground and walking away.

This is about me fighting for what I think we could be.

Because for the first time, I know who I am.

I’m passionate, and sometimes that gets me into trouble.

I’m impulsive and reckless, but my feelings are real. There isn’t another woman on earth strong enough to elbow her way into his life. I already know that. It has to be me. Maybe I’m not the first. And maybe I won’t be the best. But I’m the one who remains. That has to count for something.

It has to count for something.

“I love you. I love you, and I think that you’re happier with me in your life.”

“Here’s what you don’t understand,” he says. “I don’t want to do this again. I flat out don’t. Not only that, I can’t. I’ve done this before.”

“I know you have. I know that you loved her so much–”

“I was failing her, Stella. And I will not fail somebody else. You can love somebody so much, and still let them down. You can want something to be good and real and last forever, and try to do all that, and still not be enough. I think Sadie would’ve stayed with me.

Because of who she was. Not because of who I am.

But God, I struggled. I struggled every day to be the thing that I knew she needed me to be.

I kept waiting, waiting on that relationship to change me, but it didn’t.

I’m not husband and father material. I wanted to be.

There was a time in my life when I dreamed I could be.

A time in my life when I thought it was possible.

But I know better now. I know that it’s not.

I’m not dragging you into that, I’m not dragging myself into it. ”

I frowned. “I don’t even understand what that means. I’ve never dreamed about having a husband, Maverick. Not ever. But when I’m with you, I dream about having you. You. The man who sat by that pond and told me that he wishes his mom would have an overdose because then there would be justice.

That man.

That’s the one that I want. That man that’s honest and rough.

The one who won my virginity but didn’t take it until it wasn’t a prize.

The man who punched out the asshole hitting on me at a bar, the man who alienates half of everybody around him.

I have an extremely realistic view of who you are.

You never once falsely advertised yourself to me.

And I still think that you’re the good guy.

I just think you don’t know how to accept that.

I think you don’t understand who you are if you’re not clinging to all that darkness, because it keeps you safe. ”

“No. Because I grabbed onto the light before. I loved her. It didn’t change me.”

“Well, were you sitting on your ass waiting for it to change you? Did you sit there after you joined the bull riding club in high school and wait for a bull to anoint you and transform you into a champion? Or did you work at it? Things don’t just change you, you have to change yourself for them.”

He flinches when I say those words, but he’s being stupid, honestly. And maybe he can’t see it, but I can, and I’m going to call him out.