Page 26

Amber

“ C an you love two people at once?” Kat’s eyes glint with anticipation.

We’ve been chatting all morning and she suddenly throws that question at me. I take a deep breath and gaze at the stars covering the ceiling as images flood me continuously.

That irresistible spark in their eyes always holds my attention. They’re intuitive and clever. Their differences are striking but that is what calms my soul. They complement each other, so much that every day they teach me lessons about how friendships and relationships should be. They gripped me and refused to let go. They see my vulnerable parts and hold me tighter. They trust me with their secrets and I trust them.

“Yeah, I think it’s possible.”

About a month ago I was a nobody and now we feel like family. They deserve the world but our time is running out unless I figure out what to do. The first rule of fight club… I kept that secret for two and a half weeks and I feel like shit for doing that.

“Mom was pissed last night, she said some mean things when we got back here but Dad cooled her off.”

I didn’t think otherwise. “Was she mean toward you?”

“No. She just told me to focus on school.” Her voice remains steady and I know she tells me the truth. “Dad already caught us once, you know. He waited for him outside my window and when Ryan got down, Dad crossed his arms and gave him the nod. Ryan nearly choked. But Dad sat him down to talk, and in the end, they worked it out and laughed.”

“So you’re sneaking because of mom.” I slowly smirk to myself but my amusement is transparent in my voice.

“Definitely.” She breaks into laughter. “It’s our little secret.”

Dad did the same thing when I snuck out to meet a guy at the park. “I’ll cover for you but don’t get in trouble.”

“What was she like before?” Kat asks, her chocolate-brown eyes holding that gleam of innocence. Thankfully, Mom never treated her the way she treated me.

I swallow around the lump inside my throat, knowing exactly what she is referring to. “Our parents lost a child when I was five before you were born. I had a little sister for a year but she got too sick and had a few birth complications that our parents tried to keep from me. It took a toll on Mom, and Dad spent more time with me when she needed space.”

I pause to take a breath.

“She was more carefree, less uptight, but… it’s not her fault. After she lost the baby, her depression worsened but Dad had to step up, more than he already did. He helped her with everything and took care of me.”

“Then, I came, six years later.” She says with a small smile.

“And she was so happy. The light in her eyes returned when she had you.” But I always lost her to someone and had to watch her slipping farther away from me so I decided to get away from her, and even that didn’t work.

“It sucks that you go back soon.”

“I don’t know what to do.” That’s the truth. “Maybe I can’t go back. My life is too messy and complicated, I can’t even afford to be there.” The air doesn’t come in quickly enough as my face heats up.

“Amber, calm down.” She tries to catch my wrists as I jump out of bed and start pacing the room.

I don’t want to live here with Mom. I don’t even want to come home. I want to find myself, and a year was barely enough to scratch the surface. But on the other hand, I don’t have a choice.

I stop short of Kat’s bed. “I have nothing to go back to.”

“Nothing?”

I snap my gaze to the door where Ronnie stands. The hurt in his eyes squeezes at my heart and twists my stomach as my legs remain rooted to the floor.

“That’s not what I meant.” My mouth goes dry. I’m so frustrated and lost with work but I am serious about us. “Kat, can you give us a moment?”

“Sure.” She quietly exits.

“What did you mean?” His voice is soft yet loaded. Eyes study me carefully.

“Two and a half weeks ago when I went to your room back at your apartment, I cried because I got fired. I didn’t say anything because you already helped me and I didn’t want to take advantage of you. I promised to help you for free until you could find someone and I meant it. I can’t afford to stay in your apartment. If I’m being honest, I can’t afford anything. It was so sudden I was shocked that they let me go after saying I was their best employee.” I know I’m speaking a mile a minute but I need to get this off my chest.

My eyes are fixed on my shoes.

“I feel like I have nothing to offer and it eats me inside.”

“Amber...” Arms wrap around me. “It’s okay. I’ll help you.”

“I can’t ask you to do that.” I try to wriggle out of his embrace but he tucks me closer.

“You don’t have to because I’m not leaving Staten Island without you. You either come with me or I’m staying.”

“Ronnie be serious.”

“I am. Dead serious.” He cups my cheeks and looks into my eyes. “Luka and I learned a lesson when we were kids. Family is the most important thing and family members come from everywhere. When we see something we want, we go all in. We invest in it. Because in the end, that is all we leave behind. A handful of memories with the people we love. I admit I forgot it too for a while, but when you and Bradley entered my life it all floated right back.”

“I’m tired of feeling like I’m drowning all the time.” When will I catch a break?

He takes my hand in his. “I know. It’s time to resurface and figure it out, together.”

“Yeah,” Bradley crosses the room, “We’re a team. Besides there’s more to life than work.”

“So you say I should stay unemployed…?”

“Not exactly,” he chuckles, “But if you need time to figure things out, we will help you.”

“Your first step was to agree to come live with us and you will find yourself if you give it time. Your room was unoccupied before you moved there and I never planned to have roommates it just happened with you two so it’s yours, for free, for as long as you want and we’ll cover for you.”

I don’t know what to say… “I’m sorry I kept this from you.”

“Amber, it’s okay to be lost and it’s okay to ask for help. We will be there for you no matter what.” Bradley promises and caresses my cheek as a huge smile takes over. “Let’s go, my mom made lunch. I already told Kat to go there.”

As we are about to head downstairs, my phone pings in my hand. My smile slightly fades as I see the name on the screen.

Mom

You waste your time, money, and life on nothing but empty things. I thought you’d find your way by now, I know you always searched for yourself but you’re not a kid anymore you’re a grown adult, running around with two men who will give you nothing but a headache. Last night was humiliating, seeing you huddling with them in front of everyone. In front of your dad. You give a bad example for your sister.

I double-check the screen because I think I’m hallucinating but no… the same words are still there, scraping my smile off. If she thinks she has a right to tell me how to live my life she is surely mistaken, even if she was a good parent she doesn’t get to dictate who I choose to be with and she sure as fuck doesn’t after being the shittiest parent to me all these years.

I want to scream as rage condemns every cell of my body but I fly downstairs instead, hearing the lock of the front door clicking.

Mom glares at me as we face each other in the living room, her brows hike up to where her bangs rest. “Don’t let pretty men cloud your judgment, Amber.”

The crude remark is on the tip of my tongue, but I suppress it and instead, I sling my honesty at her. “When was the last time you hugged me? Kissed me goodbye or called to say hello? When did you share a memory with me or tell me you loved me? Because I can’t find it and I bet neither can you.” I stare at her with a blank expression.

A beat passes.

Her legs stay planted to the floor and her features fall into deep enlightenment.

That’s what we always do—we fight over everything and I don’t want to fight her.

“I missed you, Mom. I’m still looking for you to show up for me. It’s hard to miss someone you don’t know though. Yet you do it every day but not with me. You know nothing about me and I’m not trying to be mean but it’s the truth. I never had my firsts with you after I was five. I did things on my own and Dad helped when he could but I had to raise myself most of the time because Dad had to take care of you and Kat.” I wipe the steep trail of tears off my cheeks before my voice cracks—I knew they would come. “But I’m tired of waiting for you to realize that I just need you to love me for once.”

This is it. It’s all coming out.

“I lost her too, you know and you never once thought how it affected me.”

She gasps, covering her mouth but I hold her gaze—she needs to see the pain in me to realize she caused that damage in the first place.

All I wanted was for her to hold me closer so we could mourn together.

“I’m sorry to be such an inconvenient part of your life. But don’t worry, I’ll be out of your hair soon.” The rampant change in my body temperature gives me a headache so I barge out the front door. My heart breaks for the hundredth time because of her, but Tiffany’s words ring in my ears—“ the beautiful thing about heartbreak is that your heart still works afterward, and you will love again with each one.”

The sound of his familiar boots resounds against the floor behind me and stops when I halt in the driveway.

“Don’t come after me,” I demand. My voice is low. Eyes clenched shot for a second.

“Then come after me.” He intertwines our fingers and leads me toward a small park nearby.

The black waves atop his head sway with each movement.

I hear the distinct footsteps of another pair of shoes, but I don’t bother to look behind us when I slump against the first bench I stumble upon.