Page 18

Ronnie

I wrap the cord string of my olive green hoodie around my finger as I say with a deep frown on my brow. “Is this an intervention?”

There are a couple of things that are on my mind. Daily.

Scowling, Amber stomps on the floor in anger, backing away from the staircase. “What are you trying to do, Bradley?”

“I’m trying to get us to spill all the things that weigh down on us, we’re all dealing with heartaches why can’t we talk about them? Because we’re pretty good at writing about them. I mask it with jokes, Ronnie masks it with work, and you mask it with silence. Here’s our chance with people we trust. I love talking about sex, we’re good at it but I want us to feel comfortable to share our pain too. Face to face.”

Seeing him speaking with so much emotion like this, I know it must be about his dad. This day. It must stir up all kinds of things inside him.

“I never had someone to talk to. Dad had a lot on his plate, Kat was too little, I didn’t want her to carry my burden, and I never had real friends so I tried to deal with it differently through clothes, hairstyles, music, and writing.” Amber eyes look torn.

“You tried to live as a ghost.” Bradley enters her space once more, taking her hand but she yanks her wrist free from his touch.

“Fuck you, how could you say that?” Her lip quivers and her voice breaks again.

“You wrote it in our project, how invisible you felt all these years.”

“Because she made me feel worthless and the only people I had were too busy catering to her needs,” her choked voice rises a little, fueled with anger. “What if I’m like my mother—” She cuts herself off with a low huff.

“You are not your mother, you could never be her so stop giving her power over you.” I fire back, ready to eliminate every bad thought she has about herself. “Take that control back and show yourself how amazing your life can be when you let go of your burdens.”

I see it in Amber and Bradley, that sense of gratification from the people they care about is important to them, they want them to see their value so when they don’t their mood changes instantly.

“After my dad died I was lost. My best friend was gone like that.” He snaps his finger. “One heart attack and he was gone. But he was my cheerleader and I had to take that role myself because sulking in sadness is letting yourself decay from the inside until nothing is left.”

Avoiding our gaze, she covers her eyes as more tears follow. I enfold her in my arms and kiss the top of her head.

“I tried to isolate my emotions no matter how strong they were because hurting again like I did after my ex-girlfriend broke up with me was devastating. But I was never good at it. I strived for a relationship, it was never a game for me, all I wanted was for us to grow and build something beautiful. When she broke our trust and shared memories, I thought I would live with a broken heart forever. Disappointment. Failure. Regrets. Longing. They are all part of the process but I never admitted that to myself. I kept going like I was in a marathon of how fast I could get my life on track again. I couldn’t let her win. I didn’t want to admit that I was defeated. Shattered. A mess. I wanted to scream so loud but I couldn’t allow myself to. I wore a mask daily and tried to convince myself how great I was doing when I needed a break. Even though I’m not in love with her anymore, a part of me still needed to heal. When she approached me in the parking lot that first day we met was the first time I finally admitted it out loud.”

Bradley’s soft gaze falls on me as I continue to hold Amber.

“I wasn’t enough for her but I am enough, and the way you and Bradley look at me like I have all the answers. Sometimes I don’t know how to tell you… I don’t have all the answers and I’m afraid as well but… I want to let you in. I did when I let you see my project. It would’ve been easy to put a password on my laptop and tell you not to touch it but it was another step I chose to take. Getting out of my comfort zone was something I needed badly, it used to be me, I was the first to cross the line and set new ones. I was fearless. Daring. A fucking lunatic at times. Until I wasn’t all because I fell into that disruptive void that wouldn’t let me be me .”

I breathe and a tiny chuckle slips out.

“Bradley, you filled my life with laughter, light, and joy. You kicked my ass more times than I can count with your clever words. You brought me food when I forgot to eat and always chased me no matter how hard I resisted you. You are a stubborn fucker and I fucking adore you.”

He chuckles as a tear skids down his toned cheek. I hold out my hand for him and he takes it.

“Amber, when I first saw you it was like you mirrored everything I felt inside and I knew I shouldn’t let you live with it alone, I should embrace you closer. Then you showed us your other sides; naughty, sweet, tender, sassy, and fierce. You gave us your trust before we even earned it not because you were desperate, but because you were fearless. You stormed into our lives and gambled on us, it must’ve been hard when once again you felt like you didn’t belong. Like you are interrupting something that had already been established. You didn’t. You made it better. You made us feel whole. We know what we want. We want you, Little Bear.”

I pull back to look into her emotional eyes.

“I always thought you didn’t mourn properly for getting sick and getting your heart broken.” Bradley stares at me, his hand moving up to cup my face. “What if we cry together and then, from this day forward we’ll make each other smile.” He wraps his arms around us and all my worries fade as I let tears flow.

Nothing in this world prepares us for heartbreak except for everyday occurrences.

“I don’t talk about it much but…” I pause to gulp, “I want to be a dad someday.” The words get caught in my dry throat, my chest is tight, and when I look down at them our eyes shimmer with tears but I feel ten times lighter. “Death has been on my mind for so long, I just want to leave someone behind me if I ever get sick again. I hope not, but we all live on borrowed time and I don’t want to waste it. I’m always waiting for the day the doctor gives me the bad news and I hope I will at least have a family and kids by then.”

“You never know when it will end so you have got to make the most of every single moment. You wrote that you hope to have a family by the time you’re thirty.” Bradley says.

“Yeah,” I grin and nod.

“A little less than two years until then, do you think it’s achievable?”

My eyes move between them and I feel that powerful pull that always draws me to them. A bond? All I know is that I feel safe around them and it’s new to me because I always felt like I needed to be someone else’s shelter and protect the ones I love.

“I think so. I don’t know about kids, it’s too soon but to have my own family doesn’t seem so impossible.”

Bradley laces his hand through mine. “I want the same relationship I had with my dad. I hope to be at least half as good a father as he was to me.”

“I have no doubt you will be amazing dads,” Amber whispers against us. “I didn’t realize this could be so therapeutic, thank you. I feel safe with the both of you because I know you won’t hurt me.”

“I feel the same.”

Bradley kisses her head, “Me too.”

“Life is about daring to do things even if they are not perfect. I always said it to myself before I came to the city but now I truly believe it.” She adds with a little sigh of contentment.

“I think I should call Naomi. Seeing you with your siblings made me a little jealous.” I confess.

“Who’s Naomi?” Bradley lowers his voice, sounding confused.

“My older sister.”

“Your older sister,” he pulls back slightly and stares at me in surprise, so I kiss the tip of his nose.

“Where is she?” Amber asks, blinking up at me with her thick lashes and those gorgeous eyes.

“In California, she lives there with her husband. We were very close but when she moved things changed, it’s inevitable, we talk every month but we have busy schedules so it’s very brief.”

They glance at each other and say, “We can’t wait to meet her.”