Page 169 of Mafia and Scars

AVELINA

The sky is still dark when I wake up, my heart pounding. The sheets are damp beneath me, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m hot or if it’s the lingering feeling of fear crawling up my spine.

For just a moment, I stare at the ceiling, listening to the silence, expecting to hear the soft breaths of Viktor beside me. But I don’t.

Viktor’s not in bed.

I sit up slowly. My hand brushes over the inside of my elbow, the seatbelt burn still tender. The SUV screeching to a halt. The sound of gunfire. The memory hits me like a punch. Yesterday wasn’t just a brush with danger. It could have meant death for me. It could have meant Sofia and Leon left alone without a mom. Or Sofia and Leon could have been with me in that car. Bile burns my throat at the thought.

My legs feel weak when I stand, but I force them to move. In the bathroom, I splash cold water onto my face. And then I catch my whole reflection.

There’s something in my eyes that wasn’t there a few days ago.

I stared death in the face yesterday.

And it broke something in me.

By the time I make it downstairs, Viktor is in the den, the phone pressed to his ear. He looks tired. When he sees me, his entire posture changes. He hangs up without a word and comes toward me.

I step back.

Only slightly, but it’s enough. His hand pauses mid-reach. “Are you okay?” he asks, voice low and cautious.

I shake my head. “No. Not really.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I do. But what do I even say? Would he understand that this life isn’t what I want? That it’s too much like the danger I had when I was with Geliy—too much like what I ran from? “Viktor, I think I need to leave.” The words scrape my raw throat.

And the silence that follows is even worse.

His eyes search mine. “For how long?”

That’s the real kicker. I shift slightly. “I don’t know. Maybe forever.”

I hear my voice crack on the last word, and I hate it. Hate how much I have to mean this. He’s everything I thought I wanted. Thought I needed. And yet, being here is too unsafe. And I can’t just think about myself no matter how much I want to. I’m responsible for two kids, and I would never put them in unnecessary danger. I was so damn stupid not to realize it before—to think that things could be different with Viktor. But the life he leads is just as dangerous as what Geliy was involved in, and whatever Viktor does and no matter how many security measures he puts in place or how many soldiers he has, he can never truly keep me from that danger.

“Avelina,” he says, and there’s something in the way he says my name.

“I thought it would be okay. Being in this world again. But yesterday, I…thought I was going to die, Viktor. I thought I was going to leave my children without a mom so close after losing their father.”

He moves toward me again, slower this time. “But you didn’t die.”

“I could have,” I croak. “And I keep thinking what if next time I’m not so lucky?”

He doesn’t have an answer.

“I thought I could handle it with you when I couldn’t with Geliy.”

I thought it’d be different because of the love I feel for Viktor. But loving him doesn’t make this easier. It just makes it hurt more.These thoughts choke me with tears.

He closes his eyes for a long beat, like he’s bracing himself. And when he opens them, they’re different. Steadier and calmer.

“Viktor, I thought maybe…maybe you’d come with us?” My voice is barely more than a whisper, but I feel the weight in the air as if I’d shouted it. I don’t want to leave him. Just this dangerous life he’s in.

Viktor’s expression contorts. “I can’t,” he says. Not cold. Not judgmental. Just honest.

My eyes close. “I know,” I whisper.