Page 36 of Lucy Undying (Dracula #1)

36

July 24, 1890

Journal of Lucy Westenra

Today Mina and I sat on a bench overlooking the ocean and talked as though we had no cares in the world. She took my hand as we walked , and I pretended the hand I was taking in marriage was the one I held then, the only one I ever wished to hold.

Mina’s asleep in the bed next to mine. It’s hard to focus. She told me something so funny today, though. She keeps a diary! One written in her own shorthand code so no one can understand it but her. When I asked her what she keeps a diary for, she laughed and said, “Evidence.” I asked what kind of evidence, and she said, “That I am doing and feeling what I should be.”

I was so relieved and excited that perhaps Mina, too, has an internal landscape of horrible secret longing. If we had been at the house, I would have shown her my journals on the spot. The journal filled with the fictional version of me, who thinks and feels only what she should, and this journal filled with the real version of me, who thinks and feels nothing that she should!

But then Mina immediately started talking about Jonathan. Missing him, wishing she knew how he was faring on his business trip into the mountains of Transylvania, wondering when he would return so they could be married. I barely know Jonathan. I doubt I could pick his bland face out of a crowd. So how is it that he creeps through my life like a thief, stealing everything I want?

I keep wondering, though: What is Mina doing and feeling that she shouldn’t be? Why does she need to keep a journal as evidence? I don’t dare hope, but looking over at her now, she’s turned toward me. Her beloved eyes closed, those clever lips pursed even in sleep, as though she’s hiding something. What are you really doing and feeling, Mina, my Mina? For the first time since she told me of her engagement, I dare to hope that maybe she feels as I do. That her engagement is a necessity and not what her heart wants.

But then why does she always tug our conversations back to my engagement to Arthur, no matter how I try to steer them away?