Page 112 of Lucy Undying (Dracula #1)

112

The President Is Dead, Long Live the President!

Subject: Goldaming Death

Hey, fuckos!

I’m sure you noticed a big change when all your vampire lackeys and hapless cult members dropped dead. Actually dead this time. Bad news, good news? Bad news is we killed Mina Goldaming and everyone she turned into a vampire. Good news is we killed Mina Goldaming and everyone she turned into a vampire.

I’m in charge now. And thanks to Dickie (Hi, Dick!), I’ve learned how to be ruthlessly meticulous when it comes to paperwork and legalities. My grasp on the company and the funds thereof is ironclad and unassailable. (And before you get cute, I moved my dad to another location. You’ll never find him. Don’t try.)

Here’s the fun part: Turns out my mother kept detailed tabs on each one of you. I know all your bank account information, I know your investments, I know where your properties and offshore accounts are, I know about your affairs, I know about your bribes, I know about the not insignificant amount of straight-up murder you’ve all committed, and I have a paper trail for everything. Neat, right?

Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to figure out a way to explain why so many members of Goldaming Life are no longer life-ing. You’ve all got experience with creative ways of reframing suspicious deaths. Put that practice to good use. Once you’ve done that, you’re going to give insurance payouts to the families of the poor dupes you conned into becoming vampire servants. Not from Goldaming funds, but from your own personal savings. I think a million bucks per vampire is fair. If you run out of money, no, you didn’t. I know exactly how much you’re all worth.

Whatever remains of the fortunes you built by draining innocent people in so many ways? I’m attaching a list of charities I’ve personally vetted. You’re not going to make donations in the name of Goldaming Life, or in your own names. Anonymous, every single one of them.

And then, finally, I give Dickie the honor of liquidating Goldaming Life on my behalf. Shut it all down without explanation or warning. Donate the properties to the charities I’ve listed, under the condition that the Goldaming name is utterly erased and never credited.

Once you’ve done all that, you’re free to slink into the pathetic remains of your penniless lives. And know that I’m watching. If any of you so much as sniff in the direction of vampirism or multilevel marketing pyramid schemes again, I’ll be on your doorstep. And I won’t need an invitation inside, because as far as I’m concerned, everything you are and have and own already belongs to me. You bought it with my blood, after all.

I think that’s it! Hope you do exactly as instructed. Then again, I’ve found a brand-new thirst for life, and I won’t hesitate to show you exactly what that means if you try to cross me.

Kisses!

Iris