Page 27 of Lucy Undying (Dracula #1)

27

May 22, 1890

Journal of Lucy Westenra

I am a creature entirely miserable. I should try to repent, but I don’t know what to repent of, or why. I cannot bring myself to care about or trust in a distant God, fickle and unreachable and unknowable. Didn’t I already have that in my father?

We can add blasphemy to my list of sins, because I do not give two figs about God.

Mina has written. Raptures about dear, dreadfully boring Jonathan. She asks about Arthur—how she heard he has still been calling on me, I don’t know. I certainly didn’t tell her any more about him. Why would I have wasted any of my time with Mina talking about Arthur? But town is filled with gossips. Mina has her heart set on us both being brides, and she’s made it clear who she thinks my groom should be.

Maybe this is how I fix the strangeness in my soul. I can pretend to be in love with Arthur as well as I pretend everything else. He’s made himself useful. Not only is he helping Mother sort out the legalities of our estate, but he also endures her endless complaints and chatter with the noblest of patience. Which saves me from having to do the same.

Maybe it would not be such a bad thing to have a husband. After all, I’ve had to manage Mother all these years on my own after Father leftus.

I do not want a husband. I want Mina. I want Mina’s happiness.

What is the opposite of a honeymoon? A vinegar sun, perhaps. Sour and stinging and harsh and burning. That’s how I feel about our upcoming trip to Whitby. Mina is meeting Mother and me there; we will spend a few weeks together before Mina’s wedding comes like an executioner for my heart.

I am resolved, then. I’ll put on a good show, pretend to be happy and in love with Arthur. That way Mina will feel free to be happy, too. Is that not proof I’m capable of love, despite what Mother tells me when I question her?

Just yesterday, Mother wept and threw things and told me how cold and careless I am, how little I care for her and her sacrifices, how selfish and cruel I am, until I cried and promised to never leave her. I wonder how Arthur will feel when he discovers that marrying me means also marrying Mother. If only I could marry them to each other!

But Mother’s wrong. I’m not entirely selfish. I can put aside what I want, all for Mina’s sake. No matter what Mother says, I am not her heart walking free. Her heart could never love someone more than she loves herself. Could anyone ever love me as much as I love Mina?