Page 33 of Lucy Undying (Dracula #1)

33

July 22, 1890

Journal of Lucy Westenra

Coming to Whitby was the right choice for Mother’s health. Arthur was sad (he cannot visit us here often, due to his own father’s poor health) and Doctor Seward cautioned against it, but Mother seems more herself than she has in months. For better and worse.

But not even being on her actual deathbed could have stopped Mother from making this trip. I have been dragged along on social call after social call, endless parades of tea and inanities as we bless distant acquaintances and local clergy with visits so Mother can tell them all about her greatest triumph: my engagement to the future Lord Goldaming.

And Mother, unaware in the most morbidly hilarious way possible, always adds in a whisper that Arthur will be the lord sooner rather than later, owing to the poor health of his father. I do not add in my own whisper that I will also inherit everything sooner rather than later, owing to the poor health of my mother.

But it doesn’t bother me. I feel more generous, knowing Mother’s end is nearing. I can tolerate everything. I don’t even mind smiling and feigning excitement over my wedding, demurring on taking a role in arranging the details because I cannot care about any of them.

My only focus is counting down the days until Mina’s arrival. She’s my lighthouse on the horizon, the fixed point I navigate by. Everything else is storm and tempest, confusion and despair, but Mina. Mina! Tomorrow the train delivers her to me, at last.

I’ve been sitting in front of the mirror, practicing my facial expressions. I must get them right so I don’t disappoint Mina. Here, the rapturous smile when I talk about my engagement to Arthur. Here, the generous smile when she talks to me about dull-as-mushy-peas Jonathan. Here, the excited smile when we plan our weddings and futures as wives.

I’m so good at showing what I’m supposed to and nothing else. I’m a little mirror, reflecting back what others wish to see.

I snapped at the maid tonight, wanting to prepare Mina’s bed myself. To make sure everything is perfect. And then I sat on my own bed and cried because what am I doing? What am I hoping for? Why am I breaking my heart against Mina’s shores, when they belong to someone else?