Page 16 of Love on Ice (Love in Terengia #5)

16

A FACE LIKE THUNDER

Michael

It’s Wednesday morning, and I’m in a miserable mood as I unlock the front door to my brother's apartment. Like every day of the working week, I’m coming around to Linus’s place to have breakfast together before we walk the short distance to the office.

Today, however, I'm not looking forward to spending time with my brother because I’m weighed down by a single thought: Sebastian didn't contact me yesterday. No little SMS, no surprise visit … Nothing.

The wonderful smell of coffee wafts towards me, and my stomach twinges with hunger. I'm glad I stopped off at a bakery on the way here. As nice as the vacation was, I missed the fantastic choux pastries from the bakery around the corner.

After getting rid of my thick winter boots and my yellow puffer jacket, I plod towards the kitchen in the yellow woolen socks that my grandma knitted me. My whole family indulges my passion for all things yellow. And today I need the extra level of comfort that this loving gift gives me.

The kitchen is in absolute chaos when I go in. Linus and his partner Karl are in the process of merging two apartments and a wall in the kitchen is being knocked through. The whole room is covered in plastic sheets — except the coffee machine. Linus is sitting on a bar stool, ignoring the mess, drinking his coffee and scrolling on his cell phone. I smile.

So much has changed since Karl moved to Vienna. When I used to come round to collect Linus, he was usually still in bed and almost always in the arms of a guy he'd picked up the night before. Since Karl came back into his life, everything has changed. He is happier than I’ve ever seen him.

I'm so happy for him. Although today, my heart feels anything but happy. In fact, it feels like it's been dragged across shattered glass.

I must have made a noise because Linus looks up and beams at me. The next moment his smile drops.

"What’s wrong?" My brother has always been able to read me far too well to keep something like this from him.

"I don't want to talk about it!" I try to avoid the inevitable.

Linus raises an eyebrow at me. I’ll do anything to avoid his questioning gaze, so I rush to the coffee machine turning my back on my curious brother. But he knows I’m not going anywhere; he can be patient.

I spend an inordinate amount of time preparing my coffee. What am I going to tell Linus? Can I get out of this situation?

When I have no choice but to turn around, I decide to go on the offensive.

"Where's Karl? "

At the mention of his partner's name, a smile spreads across Linus's lips. Why can't I be as lucky as them? Although I can still see the irrepressible curiosity in his eyes.

"Already at work. Like he always is at this time every day. Don't try to distract me."

Damn! I knew he wouldn't make it easy for me. What am I going to do?

Sebastian

Wednesday is my shortest day. I only teach two hours in the morning and then, after a two-hour break, another two hours in the early afternoon. That might sound great, but I have no idea how to get through those few hours. What will I do with all that time? Usually, I then visit Michael and Linus in their office.

Michael.

Just the sound of his name in my head simultaneously puts a smile on my face and rips my heart out. The last ten days were the happiest in my life. Now the cold arms of reality have embraced me, and everything inside me still feels raw.

I'm irrationally angry with Annabelle. It's not her fault, but I couldn’t handle the transition from having my perfect man by my side one minute to having him torn away the next.

The likelihood of him wanting more was minimal — I always knew that — but there was a tiny spark of hope inside me. A spark that I was never able to extinguish, no matter how many times I tried to face the truth.

And then came Annabelle.

With a baby .

No, with Michael's baby.

That was the moment that extinguished that final spark. No, that’s not strong enough. It’s like the fire department drove up, brought out their heavy machinery and doused the little spark with multiple tons of water to make sure it will never light anything again. All that remains is the memory.

I puff out a long sigh of frustration.

I’m being hopelessly melodramatic today.

A laugh makes me raise my head when I realize it wasn’t my subconscious, but someone else.

Nina, my kind colleague who knitted the red scarf and hat for Christmas, is standing nearby, laughter lines crinkling the corners of her twinkling eyes.

"You’ve got a face like thunder. How does that happen when you’ve just come back from an amazing holiday? Or maybe it was stormier in Canada than you expected.”

When she refers back to our chat about Canadian winters before my vacation, I have to laugh. But her look turns serious. She looks around conspiratorially, and fortunately — or unfortunately, I’m not quite sure yet — we’re alone. It’s still a good half hour before the first lesson begins, and we’re surrounded by empty desks and chairs. The teachers’ lounge exudes the charm of an aging, run-down youth club — half classroom, half coffee shop.

It's early, but I was afraid that if I didn’t leave my apartment soon, I’d have to call in sick. A broken heart is a kind of illness.

When I take a while to respond, Nina’s look becomes more and more serious. “Something happened with Michael,” she says softly.

Wow! Nina knows me way too well! Plus, there was a Christmas party where I had a little more to drink than I normally would and confessed that I was in love with my best friend.

“He broke your heart!” she says without taking her eyes off me.

I wince as I hear the truth of my current emotional state from her lips. It’s one thing to think it, but quite another to hear it from a friend.

Michael

Within five minutes, Linus knows everything — right down to the smallest detail. I have no idea how I thought I could keep a secret that big from my brother.

Now I feel empty.

Whoever said a problem shared is a problem halved didn’t know what they were talking about. I feel numb. But maybe that's better than the piercing pain that was trying to rip my heart out.

Linus looks at me sympathetically, which is unexpected but much needed.

"You're both total idiots!"

And … back to normal.

I get up and go over to the dishwasher. As I peel back the thick plastic to reach the appliance, I have to try really hard to hold back tears. It was a mistake to show up here today and try to act like nothing was wrong. I should have texted to say that I’d caught flu on the plane, but at the bottom of my heart, I know that wouldn't have done any good. If I’d pretended to be sick, our mother to be barging through my door with a warming soup within hours. Linus would have been a few minutes later bearing homemade get well cookies. And that would have meant a double interrogation — so much worse .

Ahhh! My family. They mean well but ...

Suddenly Linus is standing next to me.

"Oh, come on! You're the one who always says it's no use sugarcoating things."

I look at him angrily. Not that he cares.

"Your first mistake was not talking to Seb right away," Linus begins.

"Like you did, right?" I sign sarcastically.

Linus almost lost the love of his life, Karl, because neither of them had the guts to admit what was obvious to everyone else: They are head over heels in love with each other.

"Exactly!" my brother admits unapologetically. "I speak from experience."

But the situation between Sebastian and me is completely different. Linus and Karl were in love with each other back in school but were just too cowardly to admit it to each other. Sebastian and I were always just friends. Nothing more.

Or were we?

Sebastian

Somehow, I make it through the day. Even my students notice that I'm not my usual self. Thank goodness they don't take advantage of that and instead give me space. I’m so incredibly grateful to have these wonderful young people in my life.

As soon as I close the door of my apartment, I drop the plain black leather backpack onto the floor. Seconds later, I'm in my gym clothes. Yesterday, the cycling helped a bit — at least, it was better than nothing. So I grab my helmet from the hat rack in my dressing room and get ready to head out.

I’m about to open my front door when I stop in mid-motion. The rainbow on the helmet glitters jauntily at me, as always, but the yellow is now partially covered by spidery black letters.

What happened to it ?

My thoughts immediately catapult me back to yesterday: Daniel. The café. The autograph he wanted to give me but never got around to because I was too busy pouring my heart out to him. So how did this get here?

Shortly before I left, I went to the bathroom. Daniel and his two friends were waiting for me and — now I remember — when I came back, Daniel put the helmet on my head. I thought it was a little strange, but what do I know about the antics hockey players get up to in the dressing room? Maybe it’s good luck to put your teammate’s helmet on.

Not that I’m a teammate ...

I gingerly turn the helmet so I can pick out the writing from the light from the single bulb in the hallway. But it's no use. Annoyed, I hurry into the living room, the hard soles of my bike shoes clacking loudly on the wooden floor. Then I stand at the window.

The last of the sun is still falling in, but in an hour, it will be dark. I should really get going. But I need to solve the mystery of what the spidery writing says. Most likely it's just Daniel's autograph. But that means giving Michael a bike helmet with the player’s autograph on it, which is a bit random. Although I’m sure Michael would be overjoyed to own anything with the signature of his favorite hockey player.

Eventually, I find a scribble at the end of the rainbow. A grin crosses my face. Contrary to the saying, it's not gold waiting at the foot of the rainbow — it's an autograph. So, there’s definitely a signature. But what does the message which stretches over the rainbow say?

Michael

"Sebastian has been in love with you since you were teenagers."

My brother looks at me, his eyes gentle, as he signs this sentence so slowly and clearly you’d think I no longer understand my native language.

I stare at him.

That can’t be true! We were always best friends. No more and no less.

Linus takes the empty coffee cup from my hand — I still haven't put it in the dishwasher. I swallow, and all strength leaves my body. As I take half a step back, my leg bumps against a kitchen cabinet, and I slowly slide down it until I'm sitting on the dusty floor.

"You didn't know?" My brother looks surprised he even needs to ask the question.

"No! How could I?"

He looks at me doubtfully.

Is this playing out exactly the same way as him and Karl? Could everyone see that we were in love with each other except ourselves? No, that doesn’t work. Even if what my brother claims is true, and Sebastian has been in love with me all this time, it was only a year ago that I realized I’d fallen for him. I wasn’t in love with him at school.

But still … how could I fail to see how he felt about me? How could Sebastian stand it? It’s only been a few months since I started dreaming about what it would be like to be wi th my best friend, and I didn't even manage to get through a short trip without jumping him.

What has Sebastian gone through all these years? I couldn’t have survived being in love with Sebastian for so long. To always be near him but not with him. Being in the room with him on every special occasion but without that extra special connection. Watching him fall in love with other people …

I go hot and cold suddenly when I remember how I roped Sebastian into a discussion about which engagement ring to buy for Annabelle. If the roles had been reversed and Sebastian had asked me what kind of ring to buy for someone else... I think I would have burst into tears on the spot.

The anger that’s been building since Sebastian left me standing there with Annabelle and Vicky, leaving me alone in that out-there situation, taking away any hope of his support … disappears. Now all I feel is despair.

Poor Sebastian! I can't imagine what he went through when the woman he knows I wanted to marry was suddenly standing in front of us with a baby in her arms, claiming it was mine.

No wonder he took off.

I have to go to him!

Sebastian

For god’s sake, this man can’t write for shit. His handwriting is worse than any doctor's!

Time and again, I tilt the helmet into the sun hoping that a new angle will suddenly help me decipher what’s written there. Then all of a sudden, it clicks !

Stop being idiots! Just Love! Daniel Miller

Stop being idiots. Stop being idiots. Just Love! Just Love!

A surprised chuckle spills from my lips.

Is he right? Are we being totally idiotic right now?

I put the helmet with its surprising message on the windowsill and stare outside.

I’ve lost Michael — that much is clear. There’s no way in hell he’d leave Annabelle and their child now.

But what does Daniel mean by "just love"?

There are different kinds of love. Will I be able to love Michael as my best friend again? I hope I can because I can't imagine my life without him. But I need time. No matter how much I want to be there for Michael, my heart needs to heal first. My crazy heart that hoped for more — believed it would get everything it always wanted.

I stare down. The rainbow glitters happily in the sunlight.

Just Love!

I trace the words with my finger. The rough material under the tender skin of my fingertip feels appropriate. It reminds me that love isn’t always easy. Often quite the opposite, unfortunately, and by the look of it, especially in my case.

Is that fair?

No, it‘s not. Not at all.

For a few days, I had Michael exactly where I always wanted him: by my side.

Not true! my subconscious protests.

Of course it’s right. In Canada, I had Michael in my bed. Not as the partner by my side, as I had always wanted.

And why was that ?

Because we did not talk to each other.

Daniel is right, we are idiots.

Total idiots!

Michael

The morning has dragged by. By the time I'd finally worked out why my best friend had took off in the airport, I realized he’d be on his way to school and unreachable until much later. The only thing that gets me through the next few hours is the knowledge that Sebastian always comes over to the office during his long lunch break on Wednesdays.

By noon I'm a nervous wreck, looking at the doorway every five seconds expecting Sebastian to be standing there. Nothing but emptiness meets my eye. Soon, I can’t stand it anymore, and scamper from room to room to peer out of each of the large windows, hoping to spy Seb’s red bobble hat heading for our building.

Nothing! Every time I look … nothing.

The looks my assistant, Annette, has been giving me have changed from amused to annoyed. No wonder. I force myself to stay seated at my desk for as long as possible, but I only manage a couple of minutes.

Linus, in an act of mercy, sends Annette off for an extended lunch break. But before she leaves our office, she stops, takes my hands in hers, and turns kind eyes on me. Under her warm gaze, I manage to exhale deeply for once. Then she lets go of my hands and signs, "Everything will be fine! You and Sebastian are made for each other."

I'm blindsided.

Does everyone know what's going on?

I turn accusing eyes on Linus, who is standing in the doorway to his office and has been watching the exchange with a clearly amused expression.

"I didn't say anything!" he assures me.

Annette smiles and shakes her head. "As if Linus had to tell me anything. It’s like the blind leading the blind when it comes to your love lives."

Now we're both staring at her with our mouths open, which makes Annette laugh. She turns on her red high heels — her trademark since we were kids — and leaves the office without another word.

Linus's gaze comes to rest on me.

"He won't come." His signs are so small I barely make them out.

Is that supposed to make me feel better? Not that he said anything that I didn't know myself, but it still hurts to hear it out loud. I hang my head. I know I’m going to have to go to him, but to experience Seb not sticking to our tradition of having lunch together on Wednesday ...

"What are you going to do?" asks Linus with more small signs.

I shrug. What choice do I have?

I'll have to wait until Sebastian finishes work then go round to his.

And I’ve already run out of patience!