Page 15 of Love on Ice (Love in Terengia #5)

15

COULDA, WOULDA, SHOULDA

Sebastian

Sweat is pouring from me as I cycle across the large parking lot at Kahlenberg. As I expected at this time of year, it’s not busy despite the sunny weather.

Carefully, I lock my bike to one of the many bike racks and pat the worn saddle lovingly. My faithful companion has been there for me yet again. For the first time since arriving back in Vienna, I feel something like inner peace. Or maybe it’s been even longer? Having Michael in my bed for those few days was amazing, but each one was tinged with the fear of them coming to an end.

What a waste! I really should have pulled myself together earlier and talked to him about how I felt.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda, my subconscious taunts me.

Now it's too late!

I shake myself, trying to dispel the rising anger and sadness. When that sense of peace has returned, I go to the observation deck. The whole city lies spread out before me like a colorful carpet .

Directly below me are rolling vineyards. In February they are far from their spring-time light green and are still wearing their winter dead and brown look. They fit my mood perfectly. Luckily, there are pockets of dark green interspersing the vineyards with life — thank god for the Vienna Woods.

After that lies the city's sea of houses, from which, on a day as clear as today, familiar structures stand out: The dull rectangle towers of the General Hospital, the slender blue tower and golden spheres of the incinerator designed by Friedensreich Hundertwasser, the copper domes of various churches, and other imperial buildings covered in verdigris. My eyes light on the skyscrapers on the other side of the Danube that surround UNO City, and then on the river itself which runs like two parallel blue ribbons, dissected by the Danube Island, in a gentle curve through the city.

I take a deep breath. The cold air scratches my throat, but it’s refreshing. I am at home. Why don’t I come up here more often?

For a few minutes, I stand still and enjoy the view, but slowly and mercilessly, the cold makes its way deep into my bones. Luckily, the café next to the observation deck is open all year round, so I hurry towards it, rubbing my ice-cold fingers. It’s so warm when I step inside and scan the room.

Only one table near the huge windows is occupied, and I nod vaguely to the tall man sitting in one of the dark rattan chairs.

Then I do a double-take.

Am I dreaming ?

Michael

"I knew it!"

Annabelle's hand slaps the small table in front of us. The slap must be quite loud as it draws the attention of people at the other tables. Vicky, too, stiffens in shock for a moment. When I look down, her face contorts, and thick crocodile tears roll from her eyes.

Oh God! Is she going to scream now? I think panicked. How do I stop it ?

I stroke her chubby cheeks and gently rock her in my arms. Surprisingly quickly, she’s calm again. When I look up, Annabelle is watching me closely. But I’ve had enough.

I stand up and gently press the adorable creature back into her mother’s arms. I need to make a few things unmistakably clear.

"Despite what you believed when we were together, there was never anything between Sebastian and me. Now you've ruined the one chance I had for us to become something more."

Even as I say these words, I know they are neither fair nor right. I had thousands of opportunities to talk to Seb in Canada and I blew every single one. That is entirely my fault.

But I don't feel fair at the moment, so I continue, "As I said, if you need help — from a friend — I'm there for you. But you no longer get to control my friendships, let alone my relationships!"

Annabelle's eyes are brimming with unshed tears and Vicky also seems to be on the verge of weeping again. The poor little creature is so sensitive!

Without another word, I grab my suitcase, pick up my jacket, and am about to leave when a hand on my arm stops me in my tracks.

What is it now?

I can't take it anymore!

But I’ve been brought up well, so I turn back, promising myself it’s for the last time.

"I'm sorry!" Annabelle says, looking contrite.

But I'm so pissed off by now that that's not enough. "What are you sorry for?" I urge her.

"The things I said about Sebastian," she says sheepishly. "I know nothing happened between you when we were a couple." She falters. "And who you choose to be with now is none of my business."

That must have been hard for her, but I’m not ready to forgive her just yet. I nod curtly, but as I turn to leave Annabelle adds, "I'm also sorry I ambushed you like this." She takes a deep breath and continues, "That wasn't okay. Although I didn’t know what I was getting in the middle of."

There’s no way she could have known what happened between Sebastian and me over the last ten days. Although that doesn’t make what she did anything other than a bad idea.

"I ..." Annabelle falters again which isn’t like her at all. Normally she knows exactly what she wants and is clear about expressing it. "I … don't want to lose you!"

Is she still not getting it?

"As a friend," she adds tentatively.

Sebastian

"Pardon me, are you Daniel Miller?" I ask hesitantly.

I can't believe my eyes! Can Michael's favorite ice hockey player really be sitting here in Vienna in a deserted café? Is this the man whose jersey I've chased down via what feels like hundreds of stores over the past week, just so I can buy it for Michael?

Green-gray eyes look at me with hesitation.

"Sorry!" I say before turning around to head to the self-service bar to grab a coffee. Obviously, the man doesn't want to be disturbed, and no matter how cool it would be to get his autograph, he has a right to be left alone.

"It's okay," he says to my retreating back in a surprisingly almost accent-free German. "Do you want to join me?"

Surprised, I turn around and stare amazed at him before cautiously asking, "Are you sure?" He hesitates so I continue, "I got the impression you were enjoying your own company."

Great, Sebastian! You just ruined your best chance of ever chatting to this man. I inwardly yell.

Although I must have said the right thing, because there's suddenly a smile on his face.

"Yeah, I was, but someone else’s company wouldn't be too bad either."

I nod and sit down opposite the famous hockey player. Suddenly I'm so nervous that I become almost speechless and he looks at me with a teasing grin. Then his gaze wanders upwards and his eyes sparkle.

"Nice headgear," he says with a nod toward my hair.

Headgear?

Oh my god! I still have my bike helmet on and it’s the one patterned with a glittery rainbow across the front and a chubby unicorn sticking out its tongue at the back.

For a moment I want to sink into the ground, but then I think about who bought it and I burst out laughing.

"That was a gift from my friend. The same guy, by the way, I've spent the last ten days searching all of Eastern Canada for a jersey with your name on it for."

Daniel raises his left eyebrow, which is cut through with a small hairless slash.

Is that a scar or does he shave it like that? I wonder as he, too, joins in my laughter.

"Give me that," he says.

I take off my helmet and hand it to him.

"Where's your boyfriend now?" he asks as he rummages in his jacket and pants pockets.

Does he carry a pen for autographs? This thought distracts me so much that it takes me a moment to respond to his question.

I must have grimaced because his face falls, too.

"I guess I'm not the only one nursing heartache then," he says so quietly that I can barely hear him despite the silence around us. His fingers run over the rough surface of the glittering rainbow on my helmet.

"No, you're not," I reply with a sigh. "But what can you do ..."

"I know what not to do: Book a flight home from L.A. to Terenberg to join the Terengian national ice hockey team's Winter Olympics training camp and take a side trip to Vienna to try to save a relationship."

Michael

I nod.

"As a friend," I confirm Annabelle's statement. Then I sigh. "Let's meet for coffee later this week." Annabelle nods her agreement, and I add, "I'd like to get to know Vicky properly."

Spontaneously, I lean forward and kiss Annabelle on the forehead. We have a special bond, even if I don't love her as much now as she expected me to. Watching her daughter grow up would be an honor.

"I'm exhausted," I admit.

Annabelle nods her understanding. "Jetlag," she says.

Yes and no. The time difference has certainly played a role, but the conversation with Annabelle and the situation with Sebastian has played a much bigger part. I remain polite — this has been one crazy morning.

"I'm going to grab a cab and head home," I say. "Message me tomorrow about coffee."

Annabelle looks sheepish.

"I drove here. Do you need a ride?"

Oh god, anything but that! I just want to be alone. I need to get myself together and calm down after all the excitement.

"Thanks, but no thanks."

I’m so damn polite!

Annabelle's eyes glint with something unsaid when I turn her down, but I no longer have the energy or inclination to find out what. I turn to leave, and this time no one stops me.

Relieved, I hurry through the terminal toward the exit.

When I grab a taxi and open the notes app on my phone to show the driver my address, I hesitate. Then I scroll down and hold out my screen to the driver with an address that’s a few minutes away from my house.

I'm totally restless the whole way there.

Have I made the right decision? Maybe I should go straight home after all? Do we both need time to cool down after all the stress of this morning?

The drive seems to take forever, and yet it's over unbelievably quickly. The driver stops his Tesla in front of the light blue new building where Sebastian lives.

I hesitate. Is this a good idea? I still haven’t a clue what I’m going to say to Sebastian despite spending the thirty-minute taxi ride thinking about it.

Do I want to be with him?

Yes!

Am I still mad at him for leaving me at the airport?

Yes!

The whole situation is so messed up.

The driver opens my car door, so it looks like my grace period is over.

Slowly, I roll my now no-longer-brand-new bright yellow suitcase to the glass entrance door of Seb’s building. Without second-guessing myself any longer, I press the bell and reach for the thick metal handle. But the familiar vibration from unlocking the door doesn't come.

Not even when I ring the bell again.

And again.

Eventually, I get my bunch of keys out of my pocket. The spare key to Sebastian’s apartment jingles temptingly on it.

Should I …?

Not when Sebastian so obviously doesn't want to see me.

Sebastian

The next hour is surreal as I pour my heart out to one of the most famous hockey players in the world. Amazingly, he listens intently and seems genuinely interested in my story. Who would have thought it ?

We’re silenced by a gust of icy wind. Someone must have opened the door to the café, letting in the cold from outside.

Daniel — he’s asked me to call him by his first name — and I look over at the same time. When he sees who has stepped through the door, a genuine smile appears on his full lips for the first time. A smile that even reaches his eyes. He’s so handsome!

He pushes his chair back with a loud squeak, and as a woman with curly red hair rushes over to him, he opens his arms to gather her into an embrace. Just behind her, a tall lanky-looking man approaches them and taps Daniel on the shoulder. They speak quietly to each other.

Should I get the hell out of here? Has his great love returned to him? Scorching hot jealousy flashes through me. What I wouldn't give for Michael to walk in unexpectedly right now? Not that he knows where I am at the moment ... I smile at myself.

That's when the three of them turn to me.

"Meet my new friend, Sebastian," Daniel announces, and putting his arms around their shoulders he adds, "These two crazy people are my best friends from school, Elisabeth and Benjamin."

Another surge of jealousy flashes through me but for a completely different reason. Maybe Michael and I aren’t destined to become the happy couple I want us to be. But what’s worse is the feeling that I've lost something more precious in the last week: my best friend. Will Michael and I ever be as easy with each other as we’ve always been? Without wanting more? Admittedly, I’ve always wanted more, but without it being obvious that I want more?

Somehow, I manage to mutter a "hello" despite the turmoil inside me .

The two new arrivals sit down with us while Daniel gets us all another coffee from the counter.

While Benjamin and I are still moving the table to accommodate everyone, Elisabeth suddenly leans close and whispers, "Thank you for being there for him!"

I look at her in confusion. It wasn't me who was there for Daniel — it was him who has been my shoulder to cry on the whole time we've been sitting here.