Page 53 of Love, Academically

Rhys’s mouth spread into a smile.

“I wasn’t going to tell you now, and definitely not like that. I wanted to give you some more time and I don’t expect you to say it back. Not at all. I’m just comfortable and happy that you know.”

“Oh,” she repeated. Who was this Rhys, all loosely strung and laid-back?

“Do you want me to walk you to your car? It’s getting dark,” he said.

“Um…” Surprisingly, she did. She really did.

“I don’t have to,” he rushed to say, “it’s just the lighting isn’t great in the car park.”

“Yes.” Lila swallowed. “Yes, okay.”

Rhys nodded and pinched his lips together, probably trying not to grin like the Cheshire Cat while she went to get her stuff.

He met her by the lift. Standing in a confined space with Rhys ‘how could I not’ Aubrey with his relaxed (muscular) shoulders, his pert (perfect) little tush and the smell of his bodywash around her, was a little bit like hell.

Hell, because she had missed him.

Even after what he had said and done, she missed his arms around her, the grumpiness of him in the mornings, the put-upon way he took a cookie after pretending not to want one.

Rhys had tried to fix things. Indeed, he had fixed things with Sue and Jason.

He was going to therapy, he had respected her wishes and stayed away until she came to him.

He was respecting her wishes now, in this lift, by not pressing his luck because she was a captive audience.

Rhys could go on and on and on and beg and plead and explain and justify and lie, if he wanted.

But he’d chosen not to, because he respected her.

Lila hugged her bag to her chest and stared at her shoes. She was boiling hot and could feel every strand of fabric against her skin. It was his closeness, his control, just him.

Do something for yourself for once.

Lila looked at him out of the corner of her eye, but he was nonchalantly staring at the doors, hands in his pockets. Looking damned smug.

The door pinged open and he gestured for her to go first.

It was definitely cold tonight and Lila pulled on a pink crochet hat, which matched her coat. She was a massive pink raspberry with black-tight-ed legs for a stalk.

They walked in silence to the car park, although he could have been talking about how he had a newfound love for Richard Gere and she wouldn’t have been able to hear him over the whoosh of blood in her ears.

“Here we are, Petunia,” he said, tapping the top of her little blue car.

“Yeah,” she said, adjusting her bag on her shoulder.

“Listen, Lila—” he started, but he wasn’t going to get any more words out because she launched herself at him, throwing her arms around his neck and pressing her lips tight against his.

He stumbled, but righted himself quickly, pressing her back against the little car, his mouth opening eagerly to lick his tongue into hers.

Lila had missed this. Damn it, she’d missed him.

As much as she wanted to take him home, to fall into him completely, she couldn’t and she knew she couldn’t. Pressing her hands to his chest, she pushed against him gently.

“Rhys.” She was breathless. He pulled back and searched her eyes urgently.

“What’s wrong? I’m sorry, I—”

“No, no, nothing’s wrong,” she said. “I just, I can’t.”

Hurt flickered in his eyes, but he stepped back and ran his hand across his mouth.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.” What? Kissed him? Thrown herself at him? Given him hope that she wanted him back? All of the above.

“No, no, I’m glad you did,” he said, lips pulling into a tight smile that certainly did not reach his eyes. “I’ve told you before, Lila. You never need to apologise for kissing me.”

Lila’s breath caught in her throat at the memory of being his fake girlfriend. There was nothing fake about the way she was feeling now, but it was too much for right now. Too big, and she was not ready to deliver herself to him all wrapped up in a pretty bow.

“Okay, um. Thank you for walking me to my car,” she said, fumbling with the door handle.

“Any time, Lila,” he said. “Anything you need. You just, uh, need to tell me. I think it’s pretty clear to everyone who has eyes what I want.”

The unspoken word was you, and she flushed.

“But I don’t want to push you. I want you to make your own decision, to want to be with me because you want to. Not because I want you to,” he said. “I’m not like him, Lila, and I’d like to be able to prove it to you.”

“Those things you said, Rhys.” They went round and round in her mind every night before bed, stirring up the feelings of ‘not good enough’, ‘will never be good enough’. So much for not talking about it.

“You’ll never know how much I regret them. I was frustrated, angry, stressed and you were the closest, so I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have.” His voice cracked slightly. “Lila, I’m so sorry for hurting you. I have never been more sorry for anything in my entire life.”

“You went behind my back and threatened Sue’s job, Rhys. You went behind my back and contacted Jason about our loan. You interfered, and that was exactly what I specifically asked you not to do,” she said, throat burning. “You told me I was unwanted, that I was a distraction.”

He cringed, despair and regret clear on his face.

“I said those things. I know I did. But you have never been unwanted, you are never a distraction. I was wrong to say those things, I was wrong about so much. I should never have blamed you, none of this is your fault.” His voice cracked dangerously and he took a shaky breath.

Lila held herself back, because all she wanted to do was to smooth his frown, to pull him to her and make it all better. But she couldn’t, she wouldn’t. She had to put herself first, and if that meant not fixing this situation with Rhys, then so be it.

“What I did with Sue and Jason was wrong. I fully admit that. I’m not going to say ‘but’, because it was wrong of me to do so.

Completely wrong.” He blinked rapidly. “I was trying to make things better for you. But you’re a grown woman, you don’t need me to fight your battles for you.

I should have supported you in how you wanted to deal with matters rather than taking things into my own hands. ”

“Yeah, you should have,” she said, tart and bitter.

“I know that now. I think I even knew it when I was doing it, but I couldn’t stop. I just wanted you to not have to deal with people who were trying to bring you down.” He shook his head sadly. “I never thought I would be one of those people.”

He was raw, in pain, self-reflective, so different from the assured, cocky, ego-driven ‘I’m always right’ Rhys that he was before she slipped on those leaves all those weeks ago.

“Sue does need some management training though,” she mumbled.

A little smile pulled at the corner of Rhys’s mouth.

“I miss you, Lila.”

She nodded, fiddling with the strap of her bag, not ready to give him what he wanted. What would that say about her? Some pretty words and a searing hot kiss against Petunia, and she was anyone’s? Yeah, no.

“I’ve got to go,” she said, gesturing vaguely towards her car.

“Okay,” he said. “I know I have no right to ask, but will you let me know you get home okay? I worry.”

Lila rolled her eyes and nodded. “Sure.”

“Night, Lila.”

“Night, Rhys.”