Page 34 of Love, Academically

“Lila, what are you doing?”

“Oh, good lord, Sue! You scared the living daylights out of me!” Lila said, clutching her teapot dramatically to her chest.

“Okay,” Sue said, her face twisted in confusion. “But what are you doing?”

“Making a pot of chamomile tea,” Lila said, pretending that she wasn’t a French Resistance spy. “Do you want a cup?”

“Uh no. Chamomile tea tastes like drinking flowers,” she said.

Hate to break it to you, Sue…

“I’m glad I’ve caught you, Lila.” Sue pushed her glasses up her nose. “I’m going to need those intranet issues fixed before tomorrow. I’ve had more than one complaint and it’s getting quite bothersome.”

Two complaints were bothersome? Yeah, it is ‘bothersome’, Sue, and if she had been on her predecessor as much as she was Lila, then it wouldn’t have been an issue in the first place.

“Nearly there,” Lila said with a smile, praying she would be finished by five so she could go home. Her legs hurt from her quick march walk around the reservoir yesterday. Twice.

“Good,” Sue said, scrunching her nose up as she watched Lila pour hot water into her chamomile teapot. “Okay, well.”

She turned to leave.

“Oh, Sue,” Lila said, catching her arm gently. “As I’ve got you, can I have a quick chat about the Linguistics Master’s course?”

“In the English department?” Sue frowned hard at her. “What about it?”

“I’d like to do it.”

There was a beat of silence and Lila’s courage faltered.

She hadn’t even planned on asking Sue, because it was just a pipe dream.

But she was buoyed with adrenaline from her French Resistance fantasy and her assertive conversation with Jason.

Actually, Jason’s half of the loan should be able to fund most of it. Fingers crossed.

“Why?” Sue asked, before waving her hand dismissively. “I don’t know if I can release you for the required lecture hours.”

Without checking, Lila wasn’t sure that Sue could ask her why she wanted to do a course and she wasn’t about to disclose her lexicography dream to her just to be ridiculed. Recently, Sue had been so… prickly.

“I think the handbook says that staff can be released for up to six hours per week for university courses,” Lila said with a smile. There was no ‘think’ about it. She’d checked it ten million times and the Linguistics course was four hours a week.

“Oh, right,” Sue said, shifting uncomfortably.

“The handbook also says that there’s a discount. Do you know how much it is?” Lila continued. She might as well get it all out.

“No.”

“Could you find out?”

“I suppose I can ask Finance.”

“Great, if you could let me know by Wednesday, that would be amazing. Applications are due soon and I want to make sure I’ve got mine in.” Lila popped the lid on the teapot and gave Sue the biggest grin she could find. “Thanks, Sue!”

Lila scuttled back to her office, clutching her teapot nice and tight so she didn’t spill any of her precious flower water.

Who the crap did she think she was? Managing upwards? That was some really ballsy stuff and Sue had been left a bit shell-shocked. She checked her phone again while the tea was steeping.

Nothing. It was times like these, when she’d had no replies, no check-ins, that she felt a bit like a burden to her friends and family. They were all busy. Jasmeet was doing whatever she was doing with Dan, Maddy had Ruby and their baby, her parents were living their best lives.

She couldn’t complain. She was glad for them all. They were happy, they were growing, it was exactly what she wanted her for her friends and family.

It was just that Jason had kind of isolated her. Okay, no ‘kind of’ about it. He had isolated her. If it hadn’t been for Jasmeet being able to see what Lila couldn’t (that Jason was a manipulative piece of shit) and forcing herself into Lila’s life, then she would be completely alone.

What she did not do, however, was look at the stupid message that stupid Rhys Aubrey-Dallimore sent last night.

It’s not you, it’s me.

Okay fine. Maybe she did look at it. Several times.

Could he get any more clichéd? Yeah, he sometimes struggled with social niceties, but was that really the best he could do?

It was now well into the afternoon and she still hadn’t seen his pert little conker arse, so everything was good.

If she could just make it through the next two hours, then she would be golden and perhaps by tomorrow, the mortification would have lifted a little.

Who was she kidding? The embarrassment of rejection wouldn’t leave her until she was dead in her grave, and then she’d be resurrected just to remember Rhys’s words. I don’t want…

Yep. Brilliant. Great.

Lila knew she’d have to see him sooner or later, but surely later was better than sooner, when it wasn’t so… raw. Yes, raw. When she could laugh it off and say ‘oh that? Oh, never mind that, Rhys!’ and give a sophisticated, tinkly chuckle, as she imagined Seren would.

It was ten past four when the inevitable happened.

“Lila?” Rhys stood in her doorway, having the good grace to look at least a little bit abashed.

“Oh. Hello Rhys,” she said, flicking her eyes to him and then straight back to her computer where she typed and deleted, typed and deleted. If she looked busy, maybe he would leave.

“Do you have a moment?” He took two steps into her office. His hands were clenched inside his pockets.

“Not really,” she said, eyes fixed on the fake words in her new Word document. “Drop me an email with anything you need and I’ll deal with it at my earliest convenience.”

That was good. No complaints about not being professional and she was busy with all that stuff for Sue.

“I was hoping we could have a chat.”

A chat? No, thanks. That did not sound in the least bit desirable.

Especially not in the middle of the office.

She could say, ‘Bear with me Rhys, just hold that thought about how I nearly got into your pants and then you ran away, whilst I deal with the students you make cry.’ Okay, so that was uncharitable, but that was the gist of it.

“Sorry,” she said, tapping away at her keyboard. “Like I said, put it in an email and I’ll be able to help with any work-related issues.”

Rhys sighed.

“It’s not work-related, Lila. You know that.”

“Then it’s not an appropriate conversation to have right now,” she said, nearly flippantly. Her leg was bouncing with nerves. She was well and truly in her big girl pants era.

“Can I see you after work?”

“I’m busy after work.” She glanced at him, and his eyebrows were pulled into a sharp frown. “And for the foreseeable future.”

“Lila,” he snapped. “I can’t make it up to you unless you let me explain.”

She blinked incredulously at him. Who did he think he was? Coming into her office and snapping at her like that about a private, personal matter when she had made it clear that she did not want to talk about it.

“I think you’d better reassess your tone, Rhys.”

Lila had absolutely nothing to lose today. He’d already rejected her once, so how much more embarrassment could he cause? Answer: not a lot.

“I’m sorry.” When he spoke again, his voice was more measured. “I’m just frustrated, because I want to explain what happened the other night.”

“I don’t think there’s much to explain,” she said, meeting his eyes with a taut smile. It wasn’t a question.

“There really is, Lila.” Rhys took a step towards her, his face guileless and eager. “I really do need to talk to you. To explain.”

There seriously was nothing to explain. It’s not you, it’s me and Lila didn’t want to have that conversation where he would say ‘Oh you’re so nice, you’re so special, I just don’t feel like that about you, let’s just be friends.

’ She could cope without having that mortifying discussion when the outcome would be exactly the same if they didn’t have it – just friends. Which was fine. Absolutely fine.

“Well, it won’t be today.” She looked back at her computer screen.

Rhys

Lila Cartwright was an annoyingly stubborn woman.

He’d gone to her, cap in hand and she’d turned him away like there was nothing to discuss, when there most certainly was.

But she was determined, and he was not going to force her.

That would make him no better than Jason, overriding her opinions, making her feel less-than.

Unable to sleep well, Rhys took to running in the morning before work and had smashed his 5k personal best. The eleven o’clock cookie had become something of a ritual, as had the afternoon sugar boost. But Lila was right, the cookies from Big Tesco weren’t half as nice as hers.

The Fellowship application sat accusingly on his monitor.

He hadn’t made any alterations to it for a week and it was due soon.

It needed some final tweaking, but he couldn’t work out what.

It just didn’t have enough stuff, because he hadn’t done enough.

If he didn’t absolutely have to apply for this, he would never put himself through it.

What Lila said sprang up in his mind, not that it was buried particularly deep.

So don’t. You’re a grown up. You’re self-sufficient. Even if you don’t get the Fellowship, why do you have to give up everything you’ve worked for?

He didn’t have to give up academia. He could live his own life, not worrying about what his father said. Couldn’t he?