Page 32 of Love, Academically

The embarrassment was so strong that not even Kevin Costner and Christian Slater (and, of course, Brian Blessed) in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves could dull it.

After a fitful sleep, and not one, but two, bacon sandwiches this morning, Lila rushed around big Sainsbury’s getting her groceries for the week.

No one knew that she had been rejected last night, how could they? But she felt it was written across her forehead. ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO SLEEP WITH’. Because that’s what it was, wasn’t it? She wasn’t good enough, he didn’t like her enough, it was all an act and he had been damned good at it.

Just so people don’t think I spent the night with you. He’d said it when he’d stayed over after the hospital and here she was, thinking that all the touching, the handholding, that kiss meant there was… what? Something more? Well. Obviously not.

Tears had pricked at her eyes in the washing powder aisle when she couldn’t find the Fairy Non-Bio for Sensitive Skin because they’d rearranged the bloody supermarket. Why weren’t things simple anymore?

It was now three o’clock and she’d eaten her bodyweight in chicken nuggets and was well into a pint of ice cream.

Her knitting lay on the floor because she kept dropping stitches.

She’d messed up her cross stitch and did not have the patience for crystal painting, and certainly could not concentrate on Susie Dent’s latest novel (which, by the way, was amazing).

Restless, that’s what she was. Yes, restless. If she were the exercise-y type, she’d go for a run, or to the gym, or… whatever else exercise-y people did.

Rhys hadn’t texted and she absolutely refused to text him. Absolutely. He had made it incredibly clear where he stood, and it was not next to her. She’d gotten too carried away with the evening, the hand-holding, the longing looks. The kiss. The kisses, plural.

Checking her phone for the millionth time, Lila sighed.

Neither Jasmeet nor Maddy had texted her and they knew it was Rhys’s thing last night.

The least they could have done was asked how it went.

She always remembered their stuff. But she couldn’t take it out on them, this was just the hot burn of rejection talking.

Her friends loved her, they just had their own lives.

What she should do is channel some of this anxious, embarrassed energy into something beneficial and stop stressing about what she was going to do tomorrow when she saw him at work.

Oh God, work. She could call in sick, but then she’d have to lie to Sue and she was terrible at lying.

And he’d know she wasn’t sick. He’d know she was avoiding him.

A plan of action was required for dealing with Rhys Aubrey-Dallimore tomorrow.

A plan of action that she must not deviate from.

There was no reason why seminars had to be held in her office anymore.

If he finished the last module of his course by Wednesday morning (which he should), then seminars could go back into his own room.

There was no need for her to have direct interaction with Rhys, and she would be professional and helpful as always.

But by email. Not face to face. Impersonal, digitally sanitised email.

Channelling her energy into something vaguely productive, Lila sat on the floor and sorted out her wool basket, throwing away scraps and balling up strands that were long enough.

It took her nearly forty minutes to become frustrated with the rats nest of wool that was tangled at the bottom of the basket.

She shoved it all back together and practically threw the basket under the table.

It bashed the table leg and the whole thing juddered, papers falling to the floor.

Lila let out a frustrated groan. Could nothing go right today?

Scooping up the paperwork, she recognised her loan statement. Well, it wasn’t her loan statement, was it? It was Jason’s. Or, charitably, it was theirs.

She gripped the paper tightly in her fingers, crumpling the edges. It was high time that Jason paid his own frigging way.

Grabbing her phone before she lost her nerve or talked herself out of it, she scrolled to Jason’s number and tapped the green button.

He answered on the third ring, and there was the sound of a door closing behind him. She’d bet anything that he was with Leanne and then scarpered quickly to answer the phone. What a dick.

“Hey Li, are you okay? Is everything all right?” His pathetic attempt at concern really pissed her off.

“I’m fine, Jason. I’m calling to let you know that the loan that you took out when we were together is nearly paid off. You owe me half of it, Jason. I’ll take a lump sum payment. I’ll text you the details.”

Standing up for herself was terrifying and thrilling, and well overdue.

“What? Lila, what’s wrong? Do you need money? Are you short of cash?” Jason said, and she could imagine him pushing his stupid floppy hair out of his face.

“No, I’m not short of cash,” she said, balling up the statement. “But you took that loan out in our joint names and I have been paying it. Now I’m asking for you to pay half of it. Which is fair.”

More than frigging fair.

There was a silence at the end of the line. Perhaps he was in shock. She had never, ever spoken to him like that before. Never been forceful or demanding. She had been Black and White Lila with him, but Technicolour Lila was not to be trifled with.

“I’ll text you the exact amount and my bank details. If I don’t receive it within fourteen days, I’ll go to a solicitor. You owe me this Jason. Don’t make it difficult.”

Yes, a solicitor could probably help if Jason wouldn’t give her the money back. She didn’t care how much she had to pay for a solicitor to write a letter, Jason was not getting away with this.

“Come on, Li. You’re being unreasonable,” he said with a huff.

“I’m being unreasonable? I’m being unreasonable?

” Was he fucking serious? After everything she’d done for him, everything he did to her, she was being unreasonable?

Uh, no. “If anything, I’m being pretty goddamned reasonable by only asking for half, and only asking for it now, when you’re earning the big bucks. ”

“That’s not true, I’m not,” he said half-heartedly.

“Yeah, well, you’re well versed in loans and I’m sure someone will give you one if you don’t have the money.” Jasmeet would have been so proud of that scathing tone.

“Lila, please, let’s talk about this,” he pleaded.

“No, thank you,” she said. “Fourteen days, Jason.”

Lila ended the call and quickly tapped out a message with her bank details and the amount and sent it to him, then stared at the phone in her hand, waiting for Jason to call her back to try and persuade her to change her mind.

True to form, it took about fifteen seconds for her phone to ring.

She sent his call to voicemail. Twice. She didn’t bother replying to the WhatsApp messages he sent.

Lila felt good. Empowered, on top of the world, like she could do anything. She wanted to tell someone, anyone, how excellent she had been but no one knew about the supposed ‘joint’ loan. Not her parents, not Jasmeet or Maddy. It was too embarrassing to tell them.

Oh, by the way, whilst Jason was gaslighting me and cheating on me, I’ve also been paying off the loan he took out in our joint names! Well, yes, of course I know it was stupid and I shouldn’t have signed it, but I did anyway…

Only Rhys knew and she, one hundred percent, was not calling Rhys. She also wasn’t going to think about Rhys either because he, like Jason, didn’t deserve her time or her thoughts.

Lila smiled sadly. Jasmeet just expected her to be free on Wednesday, or if not, change her plans so she was free. Okay, so she had no Wednesday plans, but that wasn’t the point.

No answer. Not even blue ticks. Nothing. Nada.

Sunday was, strangely enough, a busy tourist day for her parents and of course they were an hour or so ahead, so they were slap bang in the middle of a vineyard tour. She texted their group chat in the vague hope either of them would be free.

Determined not to waste her excellent feeling after the call with Jason, and desperate to keep her mind busy and not contemplate the excruciating embarrassment of last night, Lila decided on a walk.

A long walk around the reservoir, a walk that would tire her out.

A walk with a very interesting podcast to keep her mind busy.

If people were busy, that’s fine, she could do it by herself.

Technicolour Lila.