Page 50 of Love, Academically

In fact, she was going to sit on the sofa, watch her films, eat tomato soup and wait for Jasmeet to get home so they could lament the state of her life.

Rhys

They were late. Rhys sighed and put his phone face down on the table. Dan was still mad at him, or disappointed. But at least he had agreed to meet up for a chat, which is why he was sitting in the expensive wine bar in town, in the hope that his students would prefer to go somewhere a lot cheaper.

After drinking way too much over the weekend, Rhys was thankful that they served non-alcoholic beer.

He hadn’t slept, he hadn’t shaved, he’d just wandered around his grey box of a flat emptying the fridge of beer and pouring it down his neck.

Both Dan and his mother had called, Elin had texted, but he hadn’t bothered answering.

There was only one person that he wanted to speak to, but he couldn’t bring himself to be rejected by Lila not answering her phone or ignoring his messages.

Rhys had contemplated going to her place, but that was too much. She would not appreciate that. So he didn’t.

That devastated look on her face when he called her ‘Miss Cartwright’ and told her that she was unwanted in his office – it was seared on his eyelids and he saw it every time his eyes closed.

He’d essentially said that it was her fault that he’d dropped the ball on the Fellowship application, when that was patently not true.

It was him. It was all him. But it wasn’t just that, it was what he had said to Sue, what he had said to Jason.

Sure, it was to make her life better, but it was precisely what Jason had done to her, precisely what she had asked him not to do.

And he hadn’t listened. He had overridden her, thinking he knew better.

He’d broken them, and he didn’t know how to fix it.

There was a small whirlwind as Jasmeet flung her coat over the back of one of the uncomfortably high seats and smashed her handbag on the table.

“We’re not staying long,” she announced, Dan following close behind. “If it were up to me, we wouldn’t have come at all.”

He deserved that.

“Thanks Jasmeet, Dan.” He nodded. “Do you want a drink?”

“White wine,” Jasmeet said, positioning herself on the chair.

“Lager,” Dan mumbled, as he took a seat next to her.

They sat in an uncomfortable silence whilst the drinks were brought over.

“So?” Jasmeet said, raising her eyebrows at him. “What do you have to say for yourself? Because I have spent the last few days trying not to let Lila spiral into a grey pit of depression and self-loathing. And that is your fault.”

Fuck. He passed a hand over his face. God, he was tired.

“Do you even understand what you’ve done?” she said. “Do you understand that underneath all of the sparkles and rainbows, there’s a fragile person that you have destroyed, after promising that you wouldn’t?”

She sat back and waited, face stony.

“Is she all right?”

“Is she all right? No, she’s not fucking all right, Rhys,” Jasmeet hissed.

“Not only did you say the most terrible things to her, you interfered in her life. You didn’t trust that she could sort out her own shit and you went behind her back, threatening Sue’s job, talking to Doctor Dickhead.

She asked you not to do that but you did.

You treated her like she was some pathetic kid who couldn’t take care of herself.

You put yourself as more important than her, overruled what she wanted, ignored her choices about her life and then said that she was unwanted. Fuck, Rhys.”

“I’m sorry, I—”

“Oh, he’s sorry,” Jasmeet muttered under her breath.

“Jas,” Dan said, “let him speak.”

“Fine.” It was more of a challenge than anything. “Go on then.”

Rhys took a breath.

This was awful. This was more awful than the realisation that hit him smack in the face when Lila slammed the door behind her and left his office.

The realisation that he had destroyed their relationship, that he had destroyed her.

Not realising at the time was half the problem and he couldn’t have stopped himself because he didn’t know what he was doing.

He wasn’t aware of how his words were landing, just that his life was in ruins because of that stupid fucking moustache.

“There is nothing I can say to make up for what I’ve done,” he started.

“Nothing, and I hate myself for it. I hate what I said, I hate that I treated Lila like that. I hate that I—” his throat thickened and if he wasn’t careful more fucking tears would come.

Rhys swallowed. “I hate that I put myself before her. I never wanted to do that.”

“Yeah, well,” Jasmeet said, sipping her wine.

“I’ve tried to fix it with Sue and Jason, but I can’t bring myself to talk to her. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to apologise.”

“Can’t bring yourself to talk to her? This isn’t about fucking you, Rhys. This is about her and how she’s feeling. Do you think she wants to hear from you?”

“No.”

“No, she fucking doesn’t,” Jasmeet sighed. “But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to call her, text her, anything. She thinks you’ve wiped your hands of her. Fixed your mess and moved on.”

Rhys pressed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. Hard.

“Do you love her?” Dan asked bluntly.

“Of course I fucking love her,” Rhys snapped, louder than he wanted to be. He was so far gone for her, and had been for so long. “I am literally nothing without her.”

There was silence around the table.

“Does she love you?” Dan asked. How the fuck was he supposed to know that? He desperately hoped she did. Rhys shrugged.

“Jas?” Dan asked.

Rhys turned hopeful eyes onto Lila’s best friend. If there was anyone who knew what Lila was thinking, how she was feeling, it was Jasmeet. Perhaps even more so than Lila herself.

“She hasn’t said.”

“But what do you think?”

“I think you’ve got an awful lot of ground to make up,” Jasmeet said, her mouth pinched. “I just don’t know. Could go either way.”

Rhys nodded and stared at his drink.

“I’ve got my first therapy session on Wednesday. I’ve booked three a week for the foreseeable future.”

“Yeah?” Dan said, surprised. “Good for you, man.”

“I’ve got a lot to work through.”

That was the biggest understatement he had ever made. His father, his self-worth, his obsessive need to succeed. He should have gone to therapy a long time ago, turned himself into someone worthy of a woman like Lila.

“You shouldn’t go to therapy for her, you should do it for yourself,” Jasmeet said, not unkindly but there was no warmth in his words.

“I know, and I am. But she’s shown me what life can be like. The threat of losing her, then actually losing her, put my entire life into perspective. I will do anything, anything, to make it up to her, to make her happy. Even if it’s not with me, I just need her to be happy.”

Jasmeet took a long look at him, obviously trying to see into his soul. He’d bared it all to them and he just hoped that it was enough.

“Fine.”

“What does that mean, Jasmeet?” he asked quietly.

“It means that I believe you’re trying to better yourself. It means I believe that you understand what you’ve done.”

He let out a relieved breath and let his head hang.

“But that doesn’t mean that I forgive you or that I like you. Because I don’t. At all.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“You’re a dick, you know that right?” Dan said, a smile pulling at his lips.

“I know. I know I am.”

“If you really do love Lila, you’re going to have to prove it, Rhys.” Jasmeet finished her wine in one large gulp and stood, hooking her handbag over her arm. “Dan?”

“Yeah, coming,” he said, pushing his half-finished beer to the centre of the table. “Kickboxing tomorrow? I’d really like to hit you.”

Rhys smiled, the first one since Thursday evening, and nodded.