Page 70 of Lost Lyrebird

“Your word is enough for me.”

Closer now, he grips my shoulder, like my father was known to do.“Appreciate that.Now, if I could only get the rest of them”—he tilts his head toward the closed door— “to see it my way.

“They will.Probably not Taz, but definitely most.”We both laugh at that.

“Hope so.”

“So, you for the GBs comin’?Or you just don’t see a way around it?”I ask.

“Definitely the second one.On the first, it depends on who’s runnin’ the ship here.Pappy will stay in Cali with Vaughn.I trust him, but I also know the loose boundaries he has, and all the ways he’s willing to make green.He overvalues money, in my opinion.Always has because of his roots.Takes unnecessary risks to obtain it.It’s the one sticking point we’ve always had.Nowhere near the top of my totem pole, but for him, it’s second only to them.Vaughn and Deeds.Some of his methods, I’m okay with… some, I’m not.We understand each other and respect it.But who knows who he’ll place to run the chapter here.A chapter President twice removed and outta his sight, might not run the club how Pappy or I would like.I’ll have a say, but my input will only go so far, and no doubt they may try to get away with shit under our noses.Keep it clean for a few years, sure, but after Pappy’s head turns the other way, no one can know what they’ll do.Highly doubt they’ll follow the outlaw letter of the law the way we do.”

“So, a shitstorm for another day.”

“Yeah, I expect it will be.”

Exhaling, I grit out, “Well, fuck.”

He grins.“Exactly.Nothin’ we can’t handle.”

“You seem pretty confident about that.”

Crossing his arms over his large chest, he rests against the table, half sitting on the edge.“I am.In you.”He kicks his head towards the door.“In most of those knuckleheads out there.We got somethin’ good here and we’re doin’ it for the right reasons.We believe in somethin’ better than ourselves.At the end of the day, the other clubs and gangs fightin’ for turf and money will lose because they’re not willing to give their lives for what they’re fightin’ for.They got no heart behind their beliefs.We’re different.And they’re gonna figure that out eventually.Just a little too late to do anything about it.Mark my words.”

I nod, but I get lost in thought.I start tapping my fingers against my pocket, touching the coin there.I remember the day this path here opened up for me.A pack of Harleys came barreling down the street.One of the bike’s engines roared louder as the front runner pulled a U-turn and circled back.I’d been working on renovations on the duplex I purchased when the big fella with long, grizzly gray-blonde hair, dark sunglasses, and a leather jacket with club colors pulled up and parked in my motherfucking driveway.I’d lost weight and muscle in the hospital and rehab.I’d been drenched in sweat from the heat and feeling weak and lethargic, struggling with life in general.At first, I didn’t know what the fuck was going on.I figured I was about to have a throwdown with a gang member for doing nothing more than existing or giving him the eyeball.And yeah, maybe I had since I hadn’t liked what I saw of Albuquerque since returning.And this was another thing on that list of fucked-up shit I’d have to deal with.

The large biker dismounted and met me at the edge of the driveway.By then, his boys had turned to follow him and were closing in on us.I didn’t think there was any chance of taking them on and winning, but then this big dude eyed me up and down and said, “Shit, you’re still the spittin’ image of your old man.Changed a bit since his funeral.For a minute there, I thought I was seein’ a ghost.How you been, son?”

It was then that it clicked—who he was.His hair was long and unruly, and the beard also threw me off, but my mind finally connected the dots.

“Cap?”I met his strong handshake with one of my own.

“Yeah, you remember?”He smiled a big-ass smile and waved his group over to us as we got to catching up.

Before he left that day, he invited me to come check out the club.No commitment, just a beer and a good time.I’d been in a dark place during those days.Popping pills to cope with the migraines, because they numbed it all, the pain, the loneliness, the grief.I had shit all going for me at the time… a girl I couldn’t find, memories I couldn’t hold on to, a father buried and gone, and an abusive mother I hadn’t seen since I was a child.The rope Cap presented pulled me out of my head and gave me a way to do something good with the extra time I’d been given.A reason to wake up the next day and care about the day after that.I’d nearly died.Nearly.But I didn’t, and it had to be for a reason.Being around other vets had been good for me.There was an easy kinship there because, even though most had gone to war and returned in one piece, many of them understood what I was going through and had issues of their own.

It didn’t take me long to join.Getting off the opioids had been challenging, but they helped me kick them.Prospecting had been a pain in the ass, downright humiliating at times, and yet I understood the importance of the initiating ritual.How it breaks down the ego and weeds out the men who wouldn’t be able to hack it in the long run, while humbling a man at the same time.

I come back to myself when Cap slaps his hand on my bicep to get my attention.“You keep savin’ who you can save.The club has your back if you need us.You don’t have to do it alone unless you want to.Remember that.”He gives it one last squeeze on my arm before he guides me out of church, and we join the rest of the boys at the bar in the main room.

I try to remind myself of Cap’s words for many days to come—that I don’t have to go through what I’m going through alone.

CHAPTER 20

You may never know the depths of sacrifice others have made on your behalf.

The daggers laced with jealousy are impossible to miss but not hard to ignore.In fact, I take it as a compliment now.Something about me makes some women feel inferior.I’ve come to accept it.

Maybe it’s the confidence I’ve clawed back, the armor I wear that’s been reforged by decades of mistreatment and abuse, and how each blow that knocked me down made me fight to come back stronger.

Maybe they also recognize that my inner wolf is more dangerous than theirs.Let’s face it—an animalistic hierarchy is constantly at play.We may not consciously recognize it, but like wolves in a pack, we always seek to establish our place within it.

Life has shaped me into something else—something they don’t understand, something they can’t relate to, something other women shrink in fear of but fight against by trying to knock me back down.

But I am who I am; either you like me, or you don’t.It’s empowering once you embrace it.

Few women see past this outer shell to the heart of me.They judge me based on all they see.It is what it is.I’ve learned to live with it.Simply put, those women who prejudge aren’t worth my time or effort to befriend.

Only women who have experienced something similar seek to know more.