Page 35 of Lost Lyrebird

She hadn’t.She’d walked in like any other applicant, as if not a damn thing had happened between us.It threw me for a fucking loop.

Because fuck, was that how she’d won other gigs in the past?Was that just part of her audition routine?Pretty aggressive, but it put me in a position where I either had to hire her or worry about her suing my ass for sexual harassment.

The whole fucking thing made me feel like a tool for thinking it meant more.

Shaking the thoughts from my head, I drop my towel and get dressed.When I go to pull socks from the top drawer, the bottles of pills inside rattle and taunt me.The temptation hits like a punch.

Take me,they all but whisper.No more pain.No more headaches.Just one little pill.Just for today.

I know it’s all bullshit.But I still hear them.Every damn day.And like yesterday, and the day before, I tell them to fuck right the hell off, and slam the drawer shut.

They tug at me, though.Like there’s a string tied from my gut to the actual fucking pill bottle, one I have to work daily tosnip,until I’m either far enough away that their effect wavers, or my mind’s occupied enough to forget their pull.

I’ve found facing the temptation each day helps lessen the lure.I’m stronger at fighting my addiction because I don’t shy away from it.I face it head-the-fuck-on.

The pain makes it a fucking relentless fight.Most of it’s triggered by thoughts of my little bird at the edge of my mind.An inner voice screams at me about my promise.Flashes of memory come too, set off by everything and nothing.And that fucking woodpecker pecks.Peck.Peck.PECKS!Saying… you’re forgetting something, something important.Fight harder.Dig deeper.Remember.Find her.

I want to.God, I want to with everything in me.It’s why I stretch my mind with the puzzles, why I log all my dreams, why I run the fucking strip club.Why I do almost every goddamn thing in my life to fill the gaps in my memories—the time right before my tour of duty.It’s all for one purpose: to find the girl who meant so much to me that I cheated death to get another chance with her.To keep my promise to her that I wouldn’t abandon her in this world alone.That I’d live through that tour and come back to her.

I just wish searching for any trace of her wasn’t fucking killing me.Because it feels as if I’m nowhere close and that I’m running out of time.

Days without pain are addictive as hell.And I want them all to be, but it’s not in the cards for me.A pill sure as hell isn’t going to do it.One pill leads to two, then four.I’ve been down that road—chasing numbness, never quite finding it as my body adapts, needing more, needing stronger doses.And therein lies the problem.Hardcore drugs, being off my fucking rocker from them, that’s a no-go for Harbingers of Chaos members, part of the code we live by.It’s one of the reasons I joined them.A life insurance policy, if you will.

As Road Captain, it’s my job to keep them safe.I can’t do that if I’m chasing the Sandman.Which means I have to keep going, deal with the pain, and stay the course.Keep trying to find her while clean and hope that one day I can figure it all out—this mess in my head—before it’s too late.

If I fall down that rabbit hole again, I’ll lose everything—the respect of my brothers, the cut, the club tattoo on my back that shows my service and dedication.I’d lose pretty much everything remaining in my life that gives me purpose, besides the people I help on the side when I can.

I’m pretty sure I know where my path leads when all is said and done, but I’ll claw and scrape my way through each day because if there’s a slim chance that unraveling the mess my life has become will mean finding her at the end of it, it’ll be worth it.

It’s like my dad used to say, “Only through great sacrifice are we given life’s greatest rewards.Earn it, son, and God will reward you.”

CHAPTER 9

Is there anything a good cocktail and good company can’t fix?

The moment I’ve been waiting for comes, and damn, does she bring the sunshine with her. The thought hits me the moment Lily walks into Wet Tips, sporting a wide smile like she’s ready to get this night started.

She strolls across the club, weaving through tables toward me, and I’ll be damned if I can blink.She’s even more stunning than I remember.Her hair falls in loose waves over her shoulders, a few strands out of place.Her lips glisten with pink gloss, and her eyes are lined with kohl, giving her a kitten-like edge.She’s wearing nothing special, just cutoffs and a loose gray cotton tank, with layered necklaces and a few rings on her fingers.

The black-and-white rattlesnake-print heels with small ankle straps draw my focus.My mind instantly rockets off into a daydream where I’m getting an up-close view of them while caressing her slender legs.

So not the visual I need in my head.I clench my fist, trying to control the direction of my thoughts.

“Hey there,” she calls out.There’s a bit of swagger and confidence in her steps.She reaches the bar and places her purse along with the garment bags on the next stool over before resting her arms on the bar top.Her cornflower-blue eyes catch in the low light when she stares up at me.

I lean my hip against the bar, giving her my full attention.“Hey.You getting settled in okay?”

“Yeah.Sorta.I’m holed up at a hotel for now, until I find a place, but it’s nice.”

Her words catch me off guard because I hadn’t realized she’d been that new to town.“You haven’t found a place yet?”

Her long hair sways as she shakes her head.“Nah, but I’m in no rush.”Pulling out the stool, she takes a seat.“I want to take my time and get to know the area a little before I agree to a lease.”

My thoughts immediately go to the apartment Deidre’s moving out of.Would Lily take it if I offered it to her, or is that weird?Something tells me to wait.So I push down the notion.

I raise an eyebrow and voice my next thoughts.“You don’t look nervous.Most of the new girls are a wreck on their first night, nerves getting the best of them.”Lily?She’s upbeat and looks raring to go.If anything, she’s beaming.A sort of frenetic energy is radiating off her.“I’ve seen some be a little green around the gills on day one.”

She flips her hair.“I am a little.Just trying to hide it.”As she tilts her head, her smile softens to something almost shy.“How am I doing?”