Page 40 of Looking for Group

Drew hit one-hundred-percent sadness, crushed under this horrible mess of loss and failure.

The only thing worse than sucking at something was sucking at something you thought you were okay at.

And up until now, he’d thought he was an okay boyfriend.

“You know you can tell me anything,” he too-little-too-lated.

“No, I really can’t.” Kit drew in a shuddery breath, and Drew realised he was close to tears. “I loved being with you, and some of the time you made me feel amazing and cared for and sexy and wanted. But you also made me feel wrong and broken and like I was letting you down.”

Drew stared at him in horror. “I don’t think that. I’ve never thought that.”

“It doesn’t matter. Because you acted like you did.

You got so hung up on HoL , and it was like you wanted to replace my friends with your friends.

Like you were doing me a favour. But you just don’t get it.

Jacob and Tiff and even Bjorn have been my best friends since I was fifteen.

When I met them—even if it was just in a game—I stopped being lonely.

I stopped feeling like I didn’t fit anywhere.

It was when I first realised it was okay to just be me and people would like me for it. ”

“I like you too,” put in Drew pitifully.

“I know, and when I first met you, it was like the final piece of the puzzle. Like there was this great guy who got me and didn’t want me to be different.

Except then you did.” Kit pushed a lock of hair out of his eyes.

It glinted gold in the light from the bus stop.

“And the worst of it is, I liked you so much that I tried to be different.”

Drew’s sadness had decreased by about ten percent, but only to make way for crippling fear. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean…like, any of this. Can we talk about it or fix it or—”

The bus turned the corner and rumbled to a stop in front of them, all cartoon bright and empty. Drew glared at it as if he could force it away again with the power of his mind.

“Please, Kit?”

Kit shook his head. “I’m done being with somebody who makes me feel bad about myself.” Then he was climbing the steps and swiping his bus pass.

He didn’t hesitate. Didn’t even look back.

The doors closed, and the bus pulled slowly away.

Drew wasn’t sure what to do or where to go or even where to look, but he was pretty sure he’d just been dumped at a bus stop. He started walking and, on a kind of autopilot, found himself back at Sanee and Steff’s. After a moment of staring blankly, he rang the bell and Sanee buzzed him up.

The evening had clearly been legit ruined. Andy and Tinuviel had left, Steff had gone to bed, and Sanee was in the middle of washing up when Drew let himself in.

“So, we’re thinking of getting T.I.M.E. Stories,” said Sanee, scrubbing away at a baking tray. “Except the whole only-play-it-once thing feels like it’s taking the piss.”

Drew wedged himself into the doorway of the tiny kitchen and burst into tears.

There was something a bit panicked about the rigid set of Sanee’s back, but he turned round and clumsily tugged Drew into a soapy hug, thumping him slightly aggressively between the shoulder blades in the universal signal for I’m hugging you but that doesn’t make me gay. “Aww, mate.”

Drew squeezed and sniffed and cried some more. And, after a moment or two, Sanee helped him into a chair, rolled off the Marigolds, and sat down opposite.

“Aww, mate,” he tried again.

Drew wiped his eyes. “I really fucked that up.”

“Honestly, it could have gone better. But couples fight. It’s what they do.”

“This was way worse than a fight. I’ve been a really shitty boyfriend, and now Kit thinks I want him to be someone else.”

“That’s bollocks. You’re obviously totally into him. I mean, dude, you went gay for the guy.”

“I didn’t go—” Drew put his head in his hands. “Look, that’s epically not the point.”

“Sorry. I just meant you look like quite a good boyfriend to me.”

“Yeah, that was kind of the problem. I was so focused on what you guys would think—about me and him and fucking HoL —that I totally ignored what Kit wanted.”

“What’s HoL got to do with anything?”

Drew gave him a genuinely dumbfounded look. “What…the… actual…hell? You’ve been taking the piss out of me for playing this game since I met you. You told me that you thought we were at risk of getting literally addicted to it. And that Kit’s behaviour was abnormal and unacceptable.”

“Whoa, whoa.” Sanee held up his hands. “Don’t put this on me. I was just winding you up. It’s what mates do.”

“Mates also care about what their mates think. And it didn’t sound like you were winding me up. It sounded like you meant every word of it.”

“I was just, like, saying stuff. 7 Everybody takes the piss out of HoL . Even people who play HoL take the piss out of HoL .”

“Well, maybe we shouldn’t. Maybe we should just accept that we like what we like.”

“I never said not to like it.” Sanee sounded faintly offended. “And if I’d known you were really bothered, I would’ve left it alone.”

“Why would I not be bothered by you constantly ripping the shit out of something I really enjoy doing?”

“Drew, I’m a skinny Asian dude who’s had one girlfriend in his entire life. I have all of two friends. You play actual sports. You can talk to girls and, as it turns out, boys. Being a nerd is basically optional for you. 8 So why the hell would you be bothered by anything I say about anything?”

“Because you’re my best mate, you colossal douche. Of course I care what you think about stuff.”

There was a long, mutually confused silence. Sanee was the first to break it.

“You’d better not be angling for another hug.”

Drew was too busy putting his brain back together for the thirteenth time that evening. There were only so many glimpses into other people’s worlds a guy could take.

“You do realise,” he said slowly, “that while you may technically have only had one girlfriend, you and Steff totally win at the relationship thing. You’re blatantly the happiest people I know.

And this two-friends thing is crap because none of us would be hanging out together if it wasn’t for you.

Also, you’re annoyingly smart and you’ll probably be running EA in like five years’ time. ”

“Fuck you, I would never work for EA.” Sanee grinned. “Also, you’re right. I’m way cooler than you.”

Drew gave him a slightly feeble smile.

“So anyway”—Sanee made an awkward gesture—“now we’ve established which of us is best, and that it’s definitely me, what are you going to do about, y’know, Kit and stuff?”

“I dunno. I thought I might just sit here for a bit. And then go sit at home. And then maybe never speak to another human being ever again.”

“You could do that. Or we could try to fix it.”

“I tried. I said I was sorry, I said I’d do better. And he got on a bus anyway.”

Sanee sat forward excitedly in his chair. “No, no, no, dude, you have to understand. Sometimes chicks…and, uh, also probably dudes—”

“You know, you could just say people .”

“Dispensing wisdom here. Sometimes when you’ve really upset a person , you have to wait a bit so when you say sorry, they’ll believe you. Otherwise it’s like you’re just saying it to get them to calm down and do what you want.”

“So let me get this straight. Your plan is do nothing. Then do the same thing again and hope it goes better. Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.”

Sanee shrugged. “Well, you could go stand outside his window with a boom box if you like, but I’m pretty sure romance has moved on since the eighties.”

“So I should stand outside his window streaming Spotify on my phone?”

“Honestly, mate, I think that’d just annoy him.”

“No offence, but you are really bad at this.”

“Look, all I’m saying is that you need to find a way to apologise to him that will show him you’re actually serious. Basically, you should do something that shows him you don’t think what he thinks you think. Whatever that is.”

To Drew’s surprise, for what felt like the first time that evening, something made sense. He didn’t quite know exactly what he was going to do, but he knew how to start. “Thanks.”

“No problem. Should I make up the futon?”

And Drew nodded, not quite wanting to be alone in his room with his thoughts and his laptop.