Page 18 of Looking for Group

The raid…well…the raid happened. It went about as well as it could have done with only two melee DPS, two diabolists, a storm-specced OT, and a main tank who was really pissed off with the raid leader.

Half the time, he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to yell or lie down and cry.

Everyone else seemed to be having a good time, which basically made everything worse.

It wasn’t like Drew wanted to ruin their evening, but it would have been comforting to know he had the option.

And he couldn’t say anything because he’d be the one left looking like a desperate pillock.

On top of all that—to really rub it in—Solace turned out to be a pretty good raid leader.

They weren’t like any RL Drew had ever run with before.

Morag was firm but fair, and the officers in Annihilation had been basically merciless, but Solace was just kind of Solace.

They were was softly-spoken and gentle and unfailingly polite, but somehow you ended up wanting to do your best for them.

Even when you were really pissed off.

Under different circumstances, it would have been a positive experience.

There was something reassuring about Solace’s voice in his headphones, calling alerts and directing strats.

They were actually really on the ball, and a couple of times managed to switch strategies midfight, which saved them from screwups Drew was pretty sure would have caused wipes otherwise.

And they healed too.

Drew got sadder and sadder as the evening went on.

[Ialdir] whispers: you okay?

[Ialdir] whispers: you seem quiet

To [Ialdir]: just tired

They called it before Vilicus, because it was getting late and they weren’t entirely sure they had the right raid comp, but people seemed to agree it had been a good run.

While everyone was saying their good-byes, Drew teleported to the City of Stars, intending to log out immediately and hide under his duvet for the next million years.

[Solace] whispers: Um, are you okay?

Drew stared blankly at the tell, wondering what on earth he was supposed to say.

To [Solace]: not really no

[Solace] whispers: um

[Solace] whispers: you thought I was a girl, didn’t you?

[Solace] whispers: That’s why you were so nice to me

To [Solace]: don’t want to talk about this

He logged out, turned off his computer, and crawled into bed.

Where he lay in a weird nonspace, kind of wanting to cry but not being able to, and kind of wanting to sleep but not being able to do that either.

His thoughts had got snarled up and stuck, and he couldn’t unsnarl them or unstick them.

Because Solace had sort of been right and sort of been wrong.

Drew hadn’t only spent time with Solace because he thought he was a girl.

He genuinely liked the time they’d had together.

But, the fact remained, it probably wouldn’t have gone that far if there hadn’t been at least the possibility that Solace would turn out to be this hot geeky chick who, for whatever reason, was totally into him.

And now it felt like he’d lost everything: a friend, the chance of whatever he thought there was a chance of, Solace.

With all that buzzing around in his head, he didn’t know what time he got to sleep, but when his phone alarm went off, he silenced it and stuck his head back under the pillow.

He really didn’t feel like doing anything today.

He sort of dozed his way to midday, but then he reached that awkward point of needing the toilet more than he needed to wallow in misery.

So he slid out of bed, pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms, and shuffled down the corridor to the communal bathrooms.

The effort sapped what remained of his spirit, so he went back to bed.

Eventually, though, he got bored of staring at the ceiling and feeling sorry for himself, so he grabbed his copy of Hawkeye: My Life as a Weapon and started comfort reading.

Lots of pictures and not many words felt like all he could cope with at the moment.

Also, he’d always been secretly into Hawkeye because he loved the idea of a superhero whose only power was “I’ve got a bow.

” It was less a power, more a lifestyle choice, and the reboot was sort of milking that for all it was worth.

Drew liked to think of it as Hawkeye: My Life as Some Bloke .

About halfway through the storyline where Clint archives his ludicrous collection of gimmicky weapons, Drew caught himself wondering if Solace had read it, and if he liked superheroes and, if so, which.

And that left him sniffling into The Tape, Part 1 .

There was a knock at the door and, without waiting for a response, Sanee and Tinuviel barged in.

Drew threw Hawkeye aside and dived back under the covers, worried he looked exactly how he felt. “This totally isn’t the time, guys.”

Sanee annexed the only chair in the room. “You didn’t come to lab, you’re not answering your phone, we haven’t seen you all day, it’s totally the time.”

“Are you okay?” asked Tinuviel, curling up on the end of his bed.

“If I said I was fine, would you piss off?”

Sanee shrugged. “Probably not.”

“Is this about that girl?” Tinuviel gave her patented curious head-tilt.

“Did she turn out to be a dude?” There was an uncomfortable silence. “Oh fuck.” Sanee put his hands over his mouth. “She did.” Then he giggled, which really didn’t help.

Drew burrowed deeper. “It’s not funny.”

“It’s a bit funny.”

“Not for me, it isn’t.”

He poked his head out from under the duvet in time to see Tinuviel giving Sanee a shut up look before she turned back to Drew. “How did you find out? Did you meet him?”

“No, he was leading the Monday raid. And he was definitely a guy.”

“When you say definitely ”—Tinuviel had a knack for sounding gentle and reproving all at once—“do you mean she just didn’t talk the way you expect a woman to talk, or were people actually using masculine pronouns for him?”

A bitter knot twisted up through Drew’s stomach and out his mouth. “He said you thought I was a girl, didn’t you ? So no, this isn’t just me being small-minded. This is the actual situation.”

There was a long silence.

“Man,” sighed Sanee. “I know I told you this was going to happen, but I’m really sorry for you.”

Tinuviel pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them. “Well, yes and no. I mean, I think what you need to ask yourself is how much this changes things.”

Drew gaped at her. “Um, it completely changes things?”

“Why?”

Sanee sat forward on the chair. “T, are you being deliberately dense?”

“That’s a very strange question. The way I see it, Drew’s met somebody he likes. He’s clearly sad at the thought of losing him. So the question is: why should he?”

“How about: because he’s not gay.”

“Well, neither I am, but I’ve still had sexual relationships with people who defined as female.”

“Yes, but you’re a girl.”

Tinuviel sighed deeply. “If our friend wasn’t in the middle of a crisis, I’d be quite cross with you right now.”

“I’m not in a crisis,” interrupted Drew. “I’m just bummed.”

“Poor choice of words, mate.”

“Sanee!” chorused Drew and Tinuviel.

He held up his hands. “Oh come on, you walked into that one.”

“Look,” snapped Drew, “something mildly upsetting happened to me. I just want to take a day to feel sorry for myself about it. I don’t need you making gay jokes, or you telling me that’s it not a big deal, because, I’m sorry, we weren’t all raised by polyamorous hippies.

How am I supposed to tell my mum I’ve suddenly started dating a boy? ”

“You could try, ‘Mum, I’ve started dating a boy,’” suggested Tinuviel. Unhelpfully.

“Or just don’t tell her.” Sanee stroked his chin thoughtfully. “But, you never know, they might be cool. Steff was convinced her mum would freak out at her dating a South Asian guy, but either she was actually fine about it or she was really, really scared of looking racist.”

“So you’re basically telling me, I have to hope my parents are really, really scared of looking homophobic?”

“Or,” added Tinuviel, “they’re just not bigots.”

Drew put his head in his hands. Tinuviel leaned over and patted him gently on the shoulder.

“Can I just point out,” she said, “that your main issues have been that Sanee has laughed at you, and that your parents might not like it.”

“So?”

“Well, this is obviously quite hard for me because, as a pansexual, I really don’t understand people whose sense of attraction is informed by gender identity or biological sex.

But I think if I was monosexual, my main objection to a relationship with someone who was not of my preferred gender would be that I just wasn’t into them.

Maybe I’m wrong, but your problem doesn’t seem to be that you’re not interested in this person, but that you still are. ”

While Drew was sorting through that, Sanee steepled his fingers like a supervillain. “Mate, are you gay?” There was a pause. “Like, it’s okay if you are.”

Drew glared at him. “I think I’d have noticed.”

Tinuviel raised a hand. “I suspect you’ll think this is a weird question, but what would you have noticed?”

“Well…” Drew hated it when T did this. She’d ask you something to which the answer was so screamingly obvious that you’d immediately start second-guessing yourself. And, right now, that was the last thing he needed. “Fancying guys for a start?”

“Maybe you just haven’t met any guys you fancy. I mean, I’m pretty sure you’re not attracted to Sanee…”

Sanee made a valiant attempt not to look horrified. “You’re not, right?”

Drew made no such attempt. “I’m really not.”

“Okay,” Tinuviel went on. “And you don’t fancy me either.”

“Jesus, just because I don’t fancy every girl I meet, that doesn’t make me gay.”

She looked smug. “And, by the same argument, not fancying every boy you meet doesn’t make you straight.”

There was a really long silence.

“Holy shit,” gasped Sanee. “That’s a really scary thought.” 4