Page 20 of Looking for Group

[Group][Orcarella]: if that’s not weird

[Group][Solace]: I’m in Alarion

[Group][Orcarella]: kk omw

The journey had never seemed quite so long, even though he wasn’t more than three minutes’ flight from the City of Stars.

And just like the first time he’d gone to meet Solace, he found himself worrying pointlessly about which mount to use.

El’ir seemed wanky suddenly. But he wasn’t sure he had a mount that said, Hi, I’m kind of cross with you, and I don’t think I’m gay, but I still kind of fancy you. Maybe. Even though I’ve never met you.

Finally, he dug out his bog-standard Orcish Wyvern and flapped gracelessly over to Alarion. Solace was perched on their usual rock, still in full raiding getup, fishing line trailing in the water. Ella landed, dismounted, and hunkered down.

Shit, this was difficult.

[Group][Orcarella]: um hi

[Group][Solace]: Hey

[Group][Orcarella]: you know, i don’t even know what your name is

[Group][Solace]: It’s Christopher

[Group][Solace]: But everyone calls me Kit

Kit . Drew rolled the name around in his head, trying to make it connect with something.

Good healing, Kit.

Me and Kit rolled some medusas to see what the starting area was like.

I really like you, Kit.

[Group][Solace]: Look, I’m really sorry

[Group][Solace]: I didn’t mean to…

[Group][Solace]: Mislead you or anything.

[Group][Solace]: I know I kind of did

[Group][Solace]: And I’m sorry.

[Group][Orcarella]: I get its a weird situation

[Group][Orcarella]: and i get i made a bunch of assumptions

[Group][Orcarella]: but I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell me

There was no typing for a very long time.

[Group][Solace]: I made assumptions too.

[Group][Solace]: At first I assumed you knew or maybe I convinced myself you did

[Group][Solace]: And by the time I was sure you didn’t… God, this is going to sound so pathetic…but I kind of liked it.

[Group][Solace]: More than kind of.

[Group][Solace]: I liked the way you were with me.

[Group][Solace]: Kind, and funny, and interested. And a bit flirty.

[Group][Solace]: I’ve never had that before.

[Group][Solace]: And I didn’t want to lose it.

And now Drew didn’t know what to say.

And then he did.

[Group][Orcarella]: I don’t want to lose it either.

[Group][Solace]: Even though I’m not a girl?

Having sort of committed, Drew felt a bit panicky. What if he was actually completely ungay? What if, after all this, Solace (Kit) turned out to just…not be hot, like Tinuviel had said? What if this was completely unworkable in every possible way?

[Group][Orcarella]: I dont know.

[Group][Orcarella]: I’m sorry i just

[Group][Orcarella]: it’s always been girls before.

[Group][Orcarella]: like only three of them

[Group][Orcarella]: but still

[Group][Solace]: Okay.

[Group][Solace]: Look. It’s pretty simple for me.

[Group][Solace]: I’ve always known I liked boys.

[Group][Solace]: In principle at least.

[Group][Solace]: I’m still looking for one to like in practice

[Group][Solace]: And I know I could just go out to a club or something and find one.

[Group][Solace]: But that’s not what I’m looking for.

[Group][Solace]: But I don’t think it would be good for me if the first boy I had this connection with was just…well… trying me on.

[Group][Orcarella]: ?

[Group][Orcarella]: i’m not trying you on

[Group][Orcarella]: i just want you to know where i’m coming from

[Group][Orcarella]: i’ve never thought about this stuff before

[Group][Orcarella]: and i’ve no idea if i’m gay or bi or straight or what

[Group][Orcarella]: I just know i like

[Group][Orcarella]: you

[Group][Solace]: I like you too. I really like you.

[Group][Solace]: But I can’t talk you into being bisexual

[Group][Orcarella]: i’m not asking you to

[Group][Orcarella]: i’m just really messed up right now

[Group][Solace]: Sorry Drew

[Group][Solace]: Is there anything I can do to make this better

[Group][Orcarella]: nfc

[Group][Orcarella]: i guess i just need some time

[Group][Orcarella]: is that okay

[Group][Solace]: Of course

[Group][Solace]: I’d still like to hang out with you

[Group][Solace]: Even if you don’t

[Group][Solace]: I mean you know

[Group][Solace]: Just as friends

[Group][Solace]: I mean if you still want to

[Group][Solace]: But I get it if you don’t

Part of Drew—a big part of Drew—wanted to say, No way, you made me look like a prick and now I’m having a total crisis and it’s all your fault.

Except then he realised it wouldn’t be particularly satisfying.

And also it wasn’t true. Well, he was having a crisis and it was sort of Kit’s fault, but none of this would have happened if he hadn’t genuinely liked the guy.

Or liked Solace. And probably that was the same thing.

On the other hand, he didn’t want to be all Oh, it’s fine, no probs , because that wasn’t true either.

Time was passing and the chat window was empty.

And an empty chat window could be one of the scariest things on the internet sometimes.

However mixed up he felt about Kit right now, he didn’t want to just leave him hanging.

If it had been the other way round, he wasn’t sure he’d have the balls to put himself out there like that and risk getting shot down by a guy he knew was pissed off at him.

[Group][Orcarella]: let me think about it

[Group][Orcarella]: sorry that sounds shit

[Group][Orcarella]: it just

[Group][Orcarella]: i just

[Group][Orcarella]: i think id better go

Drew’s heart was beating way too fast as he logged off. He couldn’t tell whether that had gone fine or terribly. Nor had it miraculously cleared up the “Do I fancy guys or this guy?” question.

It was late, but he’d spent most of the day in bed, so he didn’t really feel like going back there. Normally, this would be when he’d log into HoL . Except he’d just logged out of HoL .

He booted up Steam and browsed his library listlessly.

Then it occurred to him he could roll an alt, so he logged into HoL again. Unfortunately, the second name on his character list was the medusa he’d rolled to play with Kit.

He shut the game down in an attack of feels.

Which brought him back to his Steam library. He didn’t have masses of spare cash, but there’d been enough flash sales and Humble Bundles that he’d managed to rack up a collection of just over a hundred games. And he basically didn’t want to play any of them.

In the end he settled for X-Com 6 . He’d stalled out on his Ironman Enemy Within playthrough about eighteen months ago.

Loading it up, it was incredibly disorientating to realise he’d named his squad after a bunch of his mates from school—people he basically hadn’t thought about, bar the occasional Facebook message, for the best part of a year.

It would’ve been too weird to go back, so he started a new game. He honestly wasn’t all that enthusiastic, but he just wanted something to take his mind off…everything. It worked for a little while, letting him fall into a comfortable strategy rhythm of move, overwatch, move, flank, shoot.

Then Sergeant Sanee “Hazard” Kumar had got jumped on and eaten by a giant killer-insect thing while attempting to the save the life of a civilian during Operation Broken Hymn, come back as an infected alien zombie, and had to be put down by his former squad mates.

Sanee would have been so pissed the South Asian guy was the first to go.

Drew almost felt too guilty to continue.

It didn’t, however, stop him relating the story to his course mates the next day.

***

One of the annoying things about small personal crises was not only did everything carry on in the background, but you didn’t even have an excuse not to carry on with it.

Drew’s project still needed finishing, his UF team still needed him at practice, the guild still needed him to MT raids.

It didn’t seem fair to say, Sorry, I can’t do all that stuff, I’m a bit sad and confused right now.

Even worse, it wasn’t like anything could change or be fixed.

Not unless he randomly met a girl who was so overwhelmingly perfect for him that he stopped thinking about Kit completely.

And he hadn’t stopped thinking about Kit completely.

He hadn’t stopped thinking about Kit at all.

Every now and again, he’d vaguely look at guys and try to figure out if he found them attractive.

Except most of the guys he met on a day-to-day basis weren’t interacting with him in that sort of way so there was no real context for the exercise.

He thought about checking out the LGBTQ+ society, but wasn’t sure what he’d say.

Hi, I’m probably not gay but I just wanted to see if I fancied any of you.

So life just sort of went on. He put the final touches to his chair. It was a good chair. Sanee and Steff got a copy of Dead of Winter, and they passed several pleasant evenings starving, betraying each other, and getting eaten by zombies.

On Monday, in the light of various changes to the core lineup—including Drew as MT—the guild decided not to press any farther into CoT that week, focusing instead on farming earlier content, gearing up, and, as Bjorn put it, “learning to work together so we do not repeatedly chain shit through the raid like a bunch of little noobs.”

This wouldn’t have been Drew’s preference, but he still enjoyed the atmosphere and the more casual guild members really seemed to appreciate the opportunity to get their hands on a pile of loots that were, to them, still shiny and new.

In any case, it was actually more effective than he expected, because the next time they took on CoT, the first bosses went down like Jell-O shots.

Morag had recovered from her attempt to date a performance poet and was back RLing. Drew told himself he wasn’t disappointed. He’d been too angry and upset at the time to really deal with it, but he’d liked seeing that side of Kit. Being able to hear him talk.

Drew had honestly assumed that Kit had been staying quiet in Mumble deliberately so he wouldn’t catch on.

But, actually, it seemed like he was just kind of quiet.

He kept his banter in chat and only spoke to direct the healing team in a fight.

Now Drew thought back, he was pretty sure Kit had spoken in earlier raids.

He just hadn’t been listening because he’d been too busy doing his own job.

And secretly hoping to hear from a pretty elf girl.

It made him feel a little bit better. A bit less of a fool and a bit less betrayed. And that freed his brain up to think about the other stuff. How nice it had been hanging out with Kit. All the sweet things he’d said. The ways he’d tried to be honest about what he’d done and why he’d done it.

Drew was doing his postraid faff in the City of Stars, crafting up a stack of [Notorious Cataclysmic Emeralds] for the guild bank, when he saw Solace’s little wings flutter past on the way to the auction house.

To [Solace]: not fishing tonight?

There was a really long pause. Enough for ten emeralds to ping into existence in Ella’s inventory. It was awful. Maybe the casual approach was the wrong approach.

To [Solace]: so I’ve been thinking

[Solace] whispers: Sorry, I keep typing things and deleting them

[Solace] whispers: I’m not ignoring you

To [Solace]: look i’m not promising anything

To [Solace]: but i’ve really missed hanging out with you

To [Solace]: so do you want to maybe try that again

To [Solace]: as friends

[Solace] whispers: yes!

[Solace] whispers: yay

[Solace] whispers: are you sure?

[Solace] whispers: Hmm, I guess I should have said that the other way round

Actually, Drew wasn’t sure. He was kind of the opposite of sure. Mainly he was terrified.

To [Solace]: yes

To [Solace]: maybe we could medusa a bit?

[Solace] whispers: I’d like that. When would work for you?

To [Solace]: I’m free tomorrow after lab

To [Solace]: so kind of eveningish

[Solace] whispers: see you then

[Solace] whispers: looking forward to it

To [Solace]: me too

And he was.

Still terrified, but looking forward to it.