Page 5

FOUR

GUILT

BURIED MYSELF ALIVE—THE USED

KILLIAN (24)

H earing the cell doors slam shut with an echo, I crawl into my bunk, unbuttoning the dull orange jumpsuit I’ve been living in for the last year and a half.

I reach under the thin pillow I rest my head on and pull out the only book I’ve had since I’ve been here—the fucking Bible. Opening it, I slide out the picture, studying it as my fingers trace over the broken girl with the face of an angel. Looking at Calista dressed in a tight red dress that shows off every curve perfectly, my heart aches at the memories from that night.

Still, I reach into my jumpsuit and grab my cock, firmly stroking from the base to the tip, imagining it’s Calista’s hand.

With no celli, I have the freedom to be as loud as I want. So I pant and groan, the sounds bouncing off the white walls, mixing with the slapping of skin on skin as I work my cock until it’s fucking raw. Since the CO’s took my piercings out, I rub the bulging vein along my shaft with my palm, making my legs tense as my balls grow heavier and heavier. I throw my head back and slightly lift my ass, chasing each stroke as I pump harder, tighter, and faster, feeling my orgasm barreling through me. Squeezing the tip of my dick, I cradle my balls with my other hand, giving them a firm massage. Hot cum spurts out, running down my shaft as I keep stroking, covering my hand in thick, pearly ropes. I let out a grunt as the last of it spills out, collapsing back onto the thin mattress.

After I finish and clean myself up, I lay back on my rickety bunk, my breathing heavy and labored. It’s been so long since I’ve felt another person’s touch, and even longer since I’ve felt a connection like the one I had with Calista. But that’s all gone now, just like everything else in my life. All I have left are the memories and the pain of wondering if I’ll ever see her again.

Closing my eyes, I let exhaustion wash over me, clinging to the fleeting sensation of release. In this isolated place, it’s the only thing that brings me even a moment of peace. But as I drift off to sleep, I can’t help but wonder if there will ever be a day when I won’t feel so completely alone.

* * *

“Blacksburg!” A CO yells my name, smacking his baton against my cell door, jolting me awake.

I sit up, half delusional, rubbing my eyes to get rid of the sleep consuming them.

“Yes, CO?” I ask, wondering if the reason he’s here is for a med check or something else I know I’m going to fucking hate.

“Roll up. It’s time to go.” He walks away, tapping his watch, letting me know I’m on a time limit.

Confused, I fly off my bunk and gather what little possessions I’ve saved during my time here. I’m ready before he even gets halfway down the platform.

When I got put in here, I wasn’t given an out date. Thanks to my father and my drug addiction, I wound up behind bars shortly after my group night with Calista. Having to fuck her while my father and the others watched fucked me up more than I thought it would. I buried my feelings with liquor and numbed my pain with drugs, transforming into a person I didn’t recognize.

The guilt ate at me—at us—and it still does to this day.

So as I step out of my cell and into the blinding fluorescent lights of the prison corridor, I can’t help but feel a flicker of hope ignite deep within me.

Maybe I can find a way to make it up to Calista to erase all the pain that I caused. Would she give me a chance? Would she even forgive me? It was a risk I was willing to take. I had already lost everything, so I know I have nothing else to lose.

With that thought in mind, I follow the CO’s brisk pace, carrying the weight of my past and the uncertainty of what lies ahead.

When I get outside, shoved through the prison gates to where my freedom awaits, I feel lost as fuck. I have no idea what to do with myself or where the fuck I’m going. Heading for the prison bus, the sound of a car horn in the distance rips my focus off the ground to just beyond the other side of the bus.

There, I see Dom and Ash leaning against Dom’s black Lexus, waving me over. Clutching the cheap, clear plastic bag that holds my belongings, I walk over, feeling the itch of familiarity with each step.

“What the fuck are you guys doing here?” I ask, taking a cigarette from Ash’s outstretched hand.

“We got a call from your old man telling us you were being released today,” Dom says nonchalantly, handing me a lighter.

They both look different than I remember, but looking in their eyes, I can tell that they’re the same broken boys I left behind over a year ago. They were affected by the whole Calista incident just as much as I was, but their fathers didn’t see the need to have them thrown in prison to keep tabs on them, unlike mine.

Getting in the backseat, I light my cigarette, relishing the lightheaded rush I get from the first inhale. I try to relax as we pull away from the prison, but the fear of the unknown still holds me back from completely being free.

“Have you talked to Cali?” I blurt out, knowing how much of a sore subject she is between the three of us.

We were best friends since elementary school, attached at the hip. Cali was my first kiss… and Dom’s… and Ash’s, and honestly, the fucking love of my life too. Her thirteenth birthday didn’t only change her life; it changed all of ours, especially when she was ripped away, leaving a gaping hole inside of us.

Dom and Ash share a look, then shake their heads, despair and unease filling the atmosphere.

“No,” Dom says, staring blankly ahead of him at the winding road, gripping the wheel so tight that his knuckles begin to turn white. “Her parents still have her locked up.

And then it dawns on me—today is her twenty-third birthday; that’s why my father had me released today.

“Don’t tell me,” I seethe, already feeling the cravings grow inside of me, the need to numb myself for what’s to come.

“Her mother is throwing another birthday party for her... tonight ,” Ash whispers, his voice cracking. “My father called me and told me that I had an invite waiting for me.

“Me too,” Dom adds, pushing his foot against the pedal a little harder.

The hold our fathers have on us is fucking crazy. Men in positions of power are scary and intimidating enough, but our fathers are over the top. Holding our lives and freedom in their hands, they control us completely, and at twenty-four, I still haven’t found a way to break free from my father’s clutches. But I will. I’ll show Calista that I’ve changed—that I’m not the same man who hurt her all those years ago. I won’t let this cycle of pain, abuse, and control continue any longer.

As I take another long drag from my cigarette, I can feel the determination, the fire burning inside me. I’m ready to fight—to take that chance—because I’m ready to find a way back to Cali.

“Where are we going?” I ask without looking away from the blurry view of the trees flanking the side of the road.

“There’s a race tonight. We’re heading to the shop to make sure the cars are ready.” Ash winks, knowing how much being behind the wheel of my Supra helps me relax.

We’ve been street racing and making our way into the underground world of racing for some time now; it’s the only thing that makes us feel alive. The thrill of going over a hundred and the risk of getting caught behind the wheel does something for us, something we haven’t been able to get from anything else.

I lean my head back and close my eyes, thinking about my car... and, of course, Calista.