Page 20

NINETEEN

MEMORIES

IT’S BEEN A WHILE—STAINED

CALISTA

C old wind seeps in through the fabric covering my body, making me shiver. Hugging my knees to my chest, I tuck my head between them and rock back and forth, something I’ve grown quite accustomed to ever since I managed to escape the prison I used to call home.

The sound of a car whizzing by every few minutes reminds me where I am, but the single owl hidden in the trees above me sets my nerves on high alert every time it hoots. So I open my eyes here and there just to take in my surroundings: the desolate park on First Street, with creaky sounds coming from the empty swings as they blow in the wind, dead leaves scattered on the ground, scraping against the cold, dry pavement, and one flickering street light poorly placed that barely lights up half the park.

My skin burns as if I’ve lit it on fire, and I try my best to not itch it. The inside of my thighs aches; the urge to cut grows stronger by the second. Why do I feel this way? Why am I having another breakdown? My ex-best friends. The incident in the alley. As much as I pretended I wasn’t afraid—that I had all the fucking confidence in the world—I can’t deny it now that I was absolutely terrified. But why give them the satisfaction? I want them to think they scare me, but they don’t need to know how much that’s true.

I went back to Five’s earlier, but something in my gut told me that they’d come looking for me, and I didn’t want to be there to find out what they’d do if that was true. So I snuck out while he was sleeping, taking my backpack full of everything that I own. I left no trace of myself, except for my scent embedded into Five’s sheets.

Will I go back? Maybe, maybe not. If my cover has been blown, then what’s the point?

I lift my head from between my knees and look around, suddenly feeling the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Glancing around, no one is there, but that doesn’t stop my imagination from running a fucking muck.

Reaching into my backpack, I pull out the last pack of cigarettes I have and take one out, lighting it with shaky hands and quivering lips. The wind blows out the first flame, annoying the fuck out of me. Using my other hand as a shield, I flick the lighter again, this time successfully igniting the end of the paper, a bright orange glow briefly blinding me.

The smoke fills my lungs as I take a long drag, a strange sense of calm washing over me. With each exhale, I feel a bit of the tension leaving my body. I’ll figure this out, I tell myself, flicking the ash into the blowing wind. But for now, until I figure everything out, I retrieve the notebook with my list on it, a smile creeping dangerously onto my face. My finger traces over the names that are crossed off, gently gliding up to the next name, a chill wracking my entire body.

Mother

Father

Holden Graham

Gunnar

Adam Moretti (Ash’s father)

David Blacksburg (Kill’s father)

Jackson Gray (Dom’s father)

State Senator Gallagher

Mayor Kyle Benjamin

City Councilman Marcus Rutherford

Judge Hayden Wilson

Brockton Chief of Police Robert Bailey

City councilman Jose Brown

As I look down to read the names that I’ve already memorized, a rush of warmth spreads throughout me. I type the name Judge Hayden Wilson into my phone, making a note to pick up something to use for research that can’t be traced back to me.

Right away, pictures of the judge pop up, along with cases that have made him famous, both for good and bad reasons. As I read through each article, my blood freezes and anger begins to consume me, pissing me off all over again.

This motherfucker is known for his strict sentences for child molesters and rapists, yet he had no fucking problem paying my parents for a night with me. The more I read, the angrier I get, so I stop, not wanting anymore rage to cloud my judgement.

Putting my phone away, I drop the cigarette and snuff it out with the sole of my shoe, standing up so fast I get extremely dizzy. Swaying slightly, I lean against the thick, cold tree trunk to steady myself before I drop, slowly breathing in and out.

Once I’ve gathered my composure and adjusted my clothes, I set out on my next mission. The judge’s house isn’t too far from here, so I walk towards it, pulling up my Spotify playlist to help soothe my anxiety and put me in the right frame of mind.

While I walk, I think about the boys who once had my whole heart and soul, completely ashamed of them now. They were part of the reason—the ones—who caused the breakdown that led me to this very moment, this burning rage inside me. But I made a promise to myself to get through this and make them pay for the shit that they’ve done.

And Judge Hayden Wilson is just another name—another fucked-up person walking among us in society, so vile that everything he touches loses life immediately—even me.

I walk with purpose, my determination growing stronger, fueling my desire for revenge. I’ll make them pay, and no one will be able to stop me—they’ll all feel the force of my wrath while I watch with a smile on my face.

I chain smoke like it’s going out of style, feeling the burn in my lungs with each breath. The cold mixes with the smoke, sending sharp pains shooting all throughout my chest, but I savor it. I’ve always been drawn to pain—any kind—for it’s the one thing that reminds me that I’m alive, even though most of the time I feel like I’m dead— I wish I was dead .

The soles of my shoes tap against the pavement, echoing in my ears with the whistling of the breeze as it blows, creating some sort of symphony that seems to ease the anxiety attached to my nerves. A thick fog cloud descends upon the city, slightly obscuring my sight, but the few dim lights flickering at the top of the telephone poles guide my way through the dark.

Turning down a packed but deserted side street, just two blocks away from the judge’s house, I swing my backpack to the front of me and unzip it. Moving my head from side to side to scan the area, I reach in and curl my fingers around the edge of the mask. Once I’m sure no one is around, I pull it out and move my bag back over my shoulders.

Fuck, there’s something so satisfying about this mask. The anticipation of what’s to come—of who I turn into—while wearing it is almost arousing.

An insatiable feeling enters my body, transforming me into someone else—someone brave, strong, and determined. I slip the purge mask on over my face, turning the switch on. Red-lighted X’s take over my eyes and mouth, and a smirk appears on my lips beneath the disguise.

This is it. The judge will feel the weight of his actions—the consequences of his choices. Judgement day for Hayden Wilson has finally come, and I’m the fucking executioner.

I can’t deny the exhilaration that rushes through me as I approach his house, the red lights of the mask casting an eerie glow over the empty street. I can feel the power coursing through my veins, the need for retribution driving me forward.

As I stand before the judge’s house, I take a deep breath, my hands gripping the straps of my backpack tightly. It’s time to make him understand the pain and suffering he has caused. It’s time for him to face the reality that’s awaited him for some time now.

The night he threw money at my parents, Judge Hayden Wilson made a grave mistake, and now he’ll fucking pay for it. The sick motherfucker signed his own death warrant, and I’m more than ready to fucking collect what’s owed to me. Killing him isn’t going to make my pain go away, and it’s not going to let me ever forget about the trauma I endured, but it’ll prevent him—and the others—from ever hurting anyone else again, and that’s good enough for me.

After casing his house for a while and peering into the windows that I can reach, I sit, perched within the security of the bushes, just watching… waiting… hunting. Retrieving my knife, I drag it methodically against the rock near my feet, sharpening the blade with my eyes glued to his bedroom window, the light glow from the TV illuminating the inside.

And while I wait for the perfect time, memories hit me of my past with the guys—one in particular that I thought I buried deep enough so I’d never think about it again.

—FLASHBACK: 11 YEARS AGO (12 YEARS OLD)—

Grasping the bottle of sunscreen, I shake it and hold my breath as I spray it onto my skin, bracing myself for the cold shock. Even though the sun is scorching, beating down on my half-naked body, the coldness of the liquid still shocks my system, causing a slight shiver to rock my body. The sound of the ocean waves slapping against the shore and the squawking seagulls flying above us in the bright blue sky bring a smile to my face.

Mother let me out by myself today, just me and the guys at the beach for one last time before summer comes to an end. She’s been really uptight lately, and it scares me that I don’t know why. Her and my father have been so secretive, and that’s never a good thing.

Once I’m done spraying myself down with the sunscreen, I drop it onto my laid-out towel and turn to face the water, spotting Dom walking slowly into it. To my left, Killian and Ash are throwing the football, running down the beach. Slowly, I head for Dom, pulling my bikini bottoms out of my ass with each step. It’s getting too small. The top barely covers my breasts, so tight they spill out the sides and the front. Mother says I’m developing early like she did, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Reaching Dom, I put my hand on his back, making him jump. He turns and smiles at me, his eyes widening slightly as he takes in my appearance, making me blush.

“Damn, Cali. Did you grow up overnight or something?” he asks, licking his lips with his brow cocked in disbelief.

“I must have. This bathing suit fit a couple weeks ago,” I laugh, crossing my arms in front of my chest as we walk further into the cold water.

“You look…hot,” he says quietly, almost low enough to where I can’t hear him, but I did.

I giggle, a light blush blending in with red on my cheeks from the heat. “I’m just glad to be here with you guys one last time before summer ends.”

Dom flashes me a warm smile, and I take his hand as we wade deeper into the water, the sun and the ocean washing away all my worries for the time being.

Once we’re waist deep, Dom turns to face me, putting his hands on my hips and gently pulling me against him, the water splashing around us. I can see the pain hidden in his eyes from the secret he holds close to his heart—the one about his father. I smile, reaching out to clutch the waistband of his swim trunks, hearing my pulse thumping in my ears.

Although my heart is breaking for him, I keep smiling, a silent reassurance that I’ll always be here for him. He returns my smile, letting me know that he knows that I’m here.

“I love you, Calista,” he says, and he leans in, his mouth mere inches from mine.

“I love you too, Dom,” I whisper, surprised I’m able to find my voice in the sea of emotions rushing through me.

And then he kisses me softly, his lips grazing mine as his tongue gently delves into my mouth with eager thrusts. I kiss him back for the first time, at a loss for words about what’s happening. The kiss seems to last for a few minutes, but in reality, it’s probably seconds—seconds of pure bliss. And by the time we’re forcing our mouths apart, he has a noticeable blush on his cheeks that is identical to mine.

“Wh… what was that for?” I nervously stutter, touching my fingertips to my lips, savoring the tingling sensation that’s making them numb.

He shrugs, gliding his thumbs over my hip bones, his touch setting my body on fire. “I’ve been wondering what you taste like…”

“And?” I grin, waiting patiently for his answer.

“And I loved it. Sweet, like vanilla but fruity, like strawberry. Fucking delicious.” He winks, his fowl mouth making me feel things that I’ve never felt before, especially for him.

“It’s my lip gloss,” I laugh, instinctively licking my lips as his eyes dart right to them.

All I can think about is how I had my first kiss and I’m only twelve. Does that make me a whore? If mother knew, that’s what she’d call me.

I shake off the feelings of regret and look into Dom’s eyes, seeing nothing but the truth swirling inside them.

“Mark my words, Cali, one day you and me are going to be together, and nothing will be able to tear us apart. I need you,” he says, lowering his voice as the waves begin to rock the water harder. “You need me too—we need each other. We can fix each other. When I’m with you, all my pain goes away and I forget about all the bad things in my life. I never want that feeling to go away.”

Speechless, I step into his embrace, resting my cheek on his wet, bare chest, hugging him tightly. “This feeling will never go away, Dom. I promise.”

—PRESENT DAY?—

Shaking the memory of my first kiss out of my head—way the fuck out—my focus snaps back to the dark room just feet away from me. Looking into the window, I see no movement anymore, but the soft glow of the TV as it flickers and bounces off the walls still remains.

With my mask on and the red LED lights helping me get into the zone, I stand up from my hiding place, wiping the dirt and leaves off my ass. I keep my bag hidden in the bushes, not wanting to leave a trace of myself behind inside.

Knife in hand and a gun safely tucked in the front of my waistband, I take slow, deliberate steps toward my destination. My breathing grows rapid and my palms begin to sweat, which isn't usual when I do something like this. I don’t know if it’s the memory with Dom or what, but I can tell I’m slightly slipping off my game. Still, I continue my walk, determined to cross Judge Hayden Wilson’s name off my list.

Instead of sneaking in through his bedroom window, I opt for the one beside it, slightly opened, the room pitch black inside. I push it open the rest of the way, carefully climbing in. Luckily, there’s nothing in my path to trip over, and before I know it, I’m standing in the hallway of his mansion, paused just outside of his slightly ajar bedroom door.

“You can do this, Cali.” I turn my head to see Addy beside me, a wicked look in her big brown eyes.

I roll mine, refusing to acknowledge her. She only shows up when she feels like it, and lately, she’s never around when I fucking need her.

The pressure is on, but I can’t let myself get distracted now, not after everything I’ve been through. I need to focus on the task at hand. Taking a deep breath, I slowly begin to push the door open, trying to make as little noise as possible. The sound of footsteps inside the room makes me freeze in place. I can feel my heart racing in my chest as I grip the knife tighter in my hand, bracing myself for the worst. But as I stare at the sleeping form of the judge, curled up in a ball under a flat sheet on his bed, a flood of relief washes over me. I quickly move toward the bed, the knife raised above my head.

Staring down at him, memories of the night I spent with him begin to rush back, threatening to cripple me right fucking here. I breathe, trying to gather myself before I make a mistake that could cost me. The feeling of his hands all over my body makes me cringe, and even though I know it’s just a memory, the areas of my body that he hit, slapped, burned, and bit begin to ache tremendously, starting a full-body shiver that makes my fucking teeth chatter.

As tears begin to fall down my cheeks, I suck in a deep breath and lower the knife, making a quick, clean slice across his throat from ear to ear. The judge’s eyes quickly fling open as blood pours from the gash, soaking his shirt and the sheet beneath him instantly. The look on his face—a look of pure horror—brings a smile to my face, and the nerves inside me begin to dissipate.

“Now lie there like a good boy while I look around your room to see what you’ve got that we can have fun with,” I tell him as I lean over his body, whispering while I run my gloved fingers through his hair.

Walking around his massive room, impeccably clean, my eyes roam over every object they come across. Finally, my gaze lands on a set of weights, and a devious grin tugs at the corners of my lips. I pick one up and slide the weights off until I’m holding just the metal bar they slide onto.

“This will do,” I mutter, loud enough for him to hear, remembering what he did to me the night he bought me on my birthday.

He sodemized me with a curling iron, luckily not on, but still. And since he obviously doesn’t have one, I’ll repay the favor with the weight bar.

I walk back to the bed where he lies in a huge puddle of blood, thrashing around as his body begins to go into shock. Ripping off the sheet covering him, I yank down his pants and underwear and forcefully shove his legs open, gagging at the sight of his soft cock dangling between his spasming legs.

“Wanna see what it feels like to have something shoved up your ass that doesn’t fucking belong there?” I ask, laughing, even though he can’t answer me since I severed his voice box.

I keep my mask on in case he has cameras, but I can tell he knows who I am from my voice. And it makes the torture and killing all the more satisfying. Kneeling on the edge of the bed between his parted legs, I guide the bar to his ass and brutally shove it inside him—no lube or anything. He tries to scream but he can’t. As he tries, blood literally spurts like a fountain from the gash, covering his face as it comes down and land with a splatter.

I laugh because fuck it's funny as shit to me.

Leaning back on my hands with my ass on the bed, I lift my foot and thrust it, kicking the end of the bar with enough force that it lodges itself as far into his ass as it’ll go.

And I laugh again, relishing his pain, feeling even more twisted than ever.

Taking my knife, I gag again as I grab his cock, lifting it to get to his balls. And then I slice them off, leaving his bloody cock dangling there without his sack beneath it. Picking up each testicle, I squeeze them in my hands like a stress ball, cracking myself up.

Fuck, I really am crazy.

“How did that feel, judge?” I laugh again, hovering over him as his eyes take on a cloudy, blank look. I can tell he’s just about dead, so I know I need to hurry up.

Forcing his mouth open, I shove his severed balls into his mouth, making his cheeks pop out. Staring at him, I almost double over from laughter, because this time as I look at him, all I see is a fucking squirrel with acorns packed in its cheeks.

Finally, I climb off the bed for the last time and use my knife to slice off his shirt, revealing a heavily tattooed torso that I still have nightmares about. Using my knife, I begin carving into his flesh, giving him one last tattoo to remember me by—the number 11, since he’s the 11th person on my list.

I wipe the blade off on his sheet and tuck it away before I begin my usual sweep of the house, looking for any cash, guns, and anything else I might need. After I’m satisfied, i leave a Ziploc baggie with a flash drive inside, right where the police will see it, then douse his body with lighter fluid and toss a lit match to get him ignited.

Even though the judge is dead, I still want to expose his secrets; the world needs to know how sick and twisted this motherfucker really was.

Creeping back into the night with a whole lot of cash, a new pistol, and a pretty knife, I head right for my backpack to put my haul inside. And then I slip back into the darkness that lead me here, feeling at peace with the demons inside my head.

I keep my mask on until I’m a few blocks away, making sure I don’t get picked up on any cameras. Once the cool air hits my face, I smirk, and it’s fucking bigger than it has been all night. Shaking off the adrenaline high I’ve been riding for hours, I feel the calm seep through me as I make my way through the empty streets.

I chuckle to myself, thinking about all the chaos that I’ve left behind. The demons inside my head are smiling right along with me, and for the moment, everything feels right in the world.

But as I walk, I can’t help but wonder how long I can keep this up. How long until someone catches me? How long until my mental state spirals out of control?

I’ve always been good at living in the present, even though while I was chained in the attic, I built a life inside my head of an alternate reality. It was the only way to make it through the trauma I dealt with on a daily basis. The darkness is closing in on me, and I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to keep fighting it.

The demons inside my head may end up being the only company I have left… besides Addy, that is, unless I can do something about it.

Changing my mind about where I’m going, I walk in the opposite direction, feeling in the mood to have a little fun and keep the adrenaline high going.