Page 18

SEVENTEEN

LOST

brEAK STUFF—LIMP BIZKET

CALISTA

“Y ou know it was them, right?” Addy speaks up, appearing again from out of nowhere as I rip off the string from around my wrists, throwing it onto the pile of garbage beside me.

Trying to shake off the shock from what just ensued, I bring a cigarette to my lips and light it, feeling the nicotine rush instantly flood my bloodstream. On shaky legs, I emerge from the dark alley, my frantic eyes searching my surroundings.

“Calista, did you hear me?” Addy pesters again, refusing to give up and go away no matter what I do.

“Leave me alone, Addy,” I snap, walking right into the chaotic crowd, searching for Five.

“Did you know it was them?” She asks again, and I spin around in a huff, ready to go off on her.

“Yes! I knew it was them! I’m not fucking stupid—crazy, maybe, but not stupid,” I yell, earning a few odd looks from the people around me.

I tend to forget that Addy isn’t real—that only I can see and hear her. So to the crowd, it looks as if I’m talking to myself, crazy as fuck.

Addy looks at me with worry in her gaze, her ghostly form flickering slightly in the glow of the streetlights. “I’m just trying to help you, Cali. I know it’s hard, but we have to figure out a way to get out of this mess.”

I take a deep breath, trying to push aside the paranoia and fear that threaten to consume me. “I know, Addy. But it’s not just about finding a way out. It’s about staying one step ahead of them—all of them. Shit, we both know what they’re capable of.”

As we navigate the bustling crowd, I can’t shake the feeling that someone is watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. The memories of what they did to me flood my mind, igniting the anger and determination within me.

“What’s that look for?” Five asks, his voice full of concern.

He leans against the hood of a car, passing a joint back and forth with a few others who are watching the race. I walk into his open arms and rest my cheek on his chest, sighing as his hand rubs the small of my back.

“Just a long night,” I lie, wrapping my arms around him tightly.

I never had anyone to comfort me when I was upset. I was forced to deal with my emotions all alone, locked in the attic while I cried myself to sleep night after night. The only hold I ever felt was the cold, metal clasp from the chain secured around my ankle, binding me to the bed. I didn’t know what warmth felt like—and I still don’t. I didn’t know what love was, and again, I still don’t. I have this fantasy in my head about how things might feel and look, but when it comes down to it, I have no fucking idea what to expect.

So as Five holds me and gently rubs his hand all over my back, a soothing hum coming from his chest, my body begins to tremble and my skin itches, feeling like it’s on fire. As much as I want to relax in his embrace, I can’t—I can’t fucking do it.

Pulling away, I fix my hair and smooth out my outfit, avoiding Five’s piercing gaze.

“What’s the matter?” His lips turn into a frown as he goes to step closer, and I back away, shaking my head.

“Nothing; I just need some air.” Standing outside as the fall breeze sweeps generously around us, I realize how stupid I must sound. But I have to get out of here. “I’ll see you upstairs,” I mutter as I hurry away, turning my back on the one person who’s welcomed me with open arms without knowing who I really am.

But fuck, I don’t even know who I am.

Who the fuck am I?

I wander the deserted streets, lost in my thoughts and the cold emptiness that fills my chest. The memories of my past—the torture, the abuse—it all floods my mind, leaving me breathless and broken. I have to find a way to escape this never-ending nightmare—to break free from the chains that continue to bind my soul.

I walk for what feels like hours, the streets growing even more dark and desolate as the night drags on. Tears stream down my face, a mix of anger and desperation welling up inside me.

Suddenly, a voice breaks through the haze. “Are you okay?” A soft-spoken woman asks, her tired eyes filled with concern.

I look up to see a stranger standing before me, a glimmer of kindness in her gaze. I open my mouth to speak, but the words catch in my throat. I have no idea how to answer her—I don’t even know myself. I blink away the tears blurring my vision, only to realize that I’m alone; the woman is nowhere in sight.

“You’re seeing shit, Calista,” Addy says, making herself known and reminding me that when it comes down to it, she’s the only one who I’ll ever have by my side, no matter what. “You need to take your meds,” she nags, walking beside me, nonchalantly slipping her hand into mine.

A bitter chill glides through the air, penetrating my bones and making them ache. Although fall is already here, I can smell the crisp, dead leaves in the breeze. There’s something soothing about it. Even as I shiver, my teeth chattering, I’ve never felt more at ease.

“Thank you,” I whisper to Addy, feeling her hand squeeze mine, trying to be supportive.

“No need. I’m always going to be here, Cali. I told you before, you’re not going to be able to get rid of me that easily.” She winks and starts skipping the rest of the walk back to Five’s, dragging me along with her.

Suddenly, my mind is blank; the man I murdered isn’t haunting me. The men in the masks aren’t taunting me. The fear of what my parents will do if they find me isn't holding me back.

Nothing—absolutely nothing—can break my spirit because it’s already broken beyond repair.

* * *

The stench of burnt rubber wafts strongly through the air, letting me know that I’m right around the corner from where I want to be. The sound of squealing tires and roaring engines is nonexistent; the race is over and done with. Still, as I turn the corner and cross the street, a thick haze settles deep inside of me.

My heels click loudly against the pavement, a taunting echo in my ears. Trash and empty beer cans and bottles litter the sidewalk, blowing down the street in the heavy wind.

I take the steps two at a time, trying to be quiet. Opening the door, I hear the TV on low, coming from the bedroom, and the neon light above the living room window flickers in my vision, almost putting me in a trance.

I slide off my shoes and leave them by the door, releasing a relieved sigh at the feeling of freedom. Sweeping my bag off the floor, I dig around to find my medicine, my fingers grazing the grip on the gun at the bottom of it, and for some reason my heart begins to thump rapidly. Even though I just crossed another name off my list, I’m craving to do another one already.

But I have to wait. If I do too many so close together, I could easily get caught, and that’s the last thing that I want to happen. The last thing I need is to be locked away in another prison for the rest of my life, especially since I just escaped one.

I hurriedly take my medication, quietly slipping into the bathroom to get ready for bed. My body hurts in ways it only used to when I was chained to my bed, so it’s confusing. I sit on the edge of the bathtub and glance around, taking in the contents of Five’s bathroom. And as I undress for the night, my eyes land on something shiny on the shelf above the toilet, a smile creeping across my face.

Standing up, I reach for the razor, my hand shaking. Once I feel the cold blade in the palm of my hand, some of the stress inside me begins to dissipate. But not all of it.

Pulling on a pair of boy-short underwear, I slip into a long t-shirt to cover the top half of my body and then sit back down on the edge of the tub. Holding my breath, I spread my legs and put the razor to the inside of my thigh, swiping deeply. The moment I see blood running down my leg like a river, I smile, feeling like a weight has lifted off my chest, grateful to be able to breathe again.

“Why, Cali? You haven’t cut yourself since we’ve been gone.” Addy shakes her head, a look of disappointment washing over her face.

But I don’t care. I cut again and again, tearing apart my scarred flesh just to create new ones. As the blood flows, I drop the blade and slide down onto the floor, my head against the wall. Closing my eyes, I ignore everything around me, even Addy, and focus on my breathing while a slight burning spreads across my skin from the cuts.

The sound of the TV in the other room grows faint as my thoughts become consumed by a dark, unpredictable fog. My mind is a whirlwind of chaos—a never-ending cycle of pain, fear, and hopelessness. I’m unable to escape the overwhelming sense of unease that courses through me, no matter how hard I try.

As the warm, sticky blood oozes from the flesh wounds, I feel as though I am finally free from the chains of my past. The pain is a welcomed distraction—a temporary escape from the torment that plagues my mind. It’s my way of taking control, of finding solace in the darkness that engulfs me.

Addy’s voice fades into the background, her words lost in the static noise that echoes in my head. My reality is warped, consumed by the darkness inside of me, clinging to the comfort of the pain and its familiar embrace.

But deep down, I know that this isn’t the answer. I need to find another way to silence the demons that haunt me. But for now, in this moment, the comforting sting of the razor against my skin is all I have, and for the time being, that’s enough.