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Chapter Eighteen

Ryan

I was still pretty wound up after my argument with my dad. I tried walking it off around campus but kept thinking about what he told me.

The aimless walking hadn’t worked. I texted Jay to see if we could hang.

Thank God he said yes. I grabbed some wine from a corner store and drove over to the bamboo park. I found them sitting on a pink blanket in one of the secluded corners of the park.

You’re a disappointment.

The word rang like a gong being hit over and over again inside my skull. It reverberated out through my bones, settling somewhere deep in my chest. It was what I’d been scared of this entire time. Yes, my father could be an asshole, and yes, he had a skewed moral compass, but he was still my dad, and when it came to being a father figure, he was a genuinely great one. He knew how to be a good parent. He’d skip important business meetings to attend a big game of mine, or he’d put his phone away during family vacations so he could be present with us.

He wasn’t a bad guy. He just had a fucked-up profession.

Or, another more toxic thought: what if he was a bad guy? He’d shown flashes of that already. I hated to think my own father was a monster, especially since he was great to me in every single aspect besides the family business.

So… which one was it?

Seeing Jay instantly lifted my spirits, along with the kiss he gave me. At least last night wasn’t a dream. It was real.

But even the kiss couldn’t hide the stress I started to feel building up inside me. Obviously, I was bad as fuck at trying to hide it because Jay instantly called me out. I chewed my cheek, looked straight ahead at the wall of bamboo that swayed gently in the salty wind. I sat on my hands, something I did often when I started to feel anxious. The blanket was soft under my palms. The solid ground underneath helped anchor me. It was a contrast to the bobbing waves on the water that could also do the same.

“What’s going on?” Jay asked again. He sounded concerned. Maddy leaned forward with one brow arched. I swallowed loudly. They were talking about protesting the Beacon Bay project, and they had no idea my dad was involved.

I could tell them now, but what would that mean for Jay and me?

We’d just started dating. Literally less than twenty-four hours ago. I didn’t want to risk it.

“Nothing, nothing,” I said, trying to brush it off. “Let’s focus on this protest.”

Maddy narrowed her eyes. Jay seemed to consider me for another moment. Crap, I wasn’t a good actor. Jay would know my tells.

“You sure?” he asked. “Your knee keeps bouncing, and you’re gnawing at your cheek like it’s gum.”

See? He picked up on everything. There was no hiding from him and no need to, either.

Not fully, at least.

“I got in a fight with my dad,” I said. “Over some stupid bullshit. He never flips on me like that, but today was different.” This was a safe space. I knew I could trust both of them. I was just scared of ruining what I had with Jay, so I decided to swerve around the full truth. They didn’t need to know exactly why we fought or why it was the furthest thing from “stupid bullshit” imaginable.

“I’m sorry.” Jay put a hand on my knee. I stopped the shaking. Something about his touch was so damn comforting. It was like a superpower. I should tell him that at some point. Sometimes I felt like he didn’t realize how much power he had. Even though Jay loved being in the spotlight, there was something that was being held back.

I wanted to cut those binds. I wanted to see him soar.

“It’s okay. I’m just not really used to it. My dad and I never really argue. So it feels, I dunno, weird. Messed up?”

“I get it,” Maddy said. “I had a few years where I was really rebelling, and my dad and I would butt heads constantly . It sucked, it really did. But things got better. They always do. Especially between you and your parents.”

“I hope so…” I wanted to come out and say what the fight was about, but one look in Jay’s direction, and my lips were sealed shut again. He’d be so hurt if he found out .

…When he finds out.

“Are you and your mom close?” Jay asked.

“We are.” I nodded. “I think I’ve always been a little closer to my dad growing up, but my mom was my best friend too. They’re both great. It’s what makes this shit so hard.” I rubbed my forehead. There was so much tension built up inside me, coiled up and ready to snap. I really needed a massage.

Or a night with Jay.

Fuck. That would be nice. I couldn’t wait to get back to our dorm. I had a feeling I’d be forgetting about every single worry I had.

Jay swirled his glass of wine. “Can your mom maybe talk to him?” He looked so pensive, his legs curled under him and one hand on the blanket. His hair was growing long, a swoosh of it falling down across his forehead. God, he was so sexy. And he was all mine.

I reached over and put a hand on his leg. I didn’t need to be touching the ground to feel “grounded.” I already had Jay.

“You mean like a buffer?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Jay said.

I smiled. “I think my mom would definitely be on my side,” I said before taking a deep breath. “But this goes a little deeper. I don’t know. It’ll need another conversation with him, fooor sure.”

“I’m sorry. That shit sucks,” Jay said. He squeezed my hand.

“It’s okay,” I said. “Things will work themselves out.”

I hope.

“Why don’t we go out tonight?” Jay said, his pitch rising, hands clapping his knee. “Let’s let loose. Let’s go to Passions. It’s a little bit of a drive, but it’ll get us out. ”

Maddy winced, hand to her chest. “I can’t tonight. I’ve got a date… but you two go! Please. Go and have a kiki.”

Jay looked at me with a pair of puppy eyes that made me instantly hard. “Would you be down?”

“Fuck yeah,” I said, not waiting for a single beat. “But, uh, what’s a kiki?”

Maddy giggled. “It’s gay slang for a party.”

“Oh, okay, duh. Yeah, it’ll be fun. A kiki.”

It was Jay’s turn to laugh. “It sounds like you’re practicing new vocab in Duolingo.”

“I kind of am,” I admitted, joining the laughter.

Maddy raised her glass. “Just don’t feed the drag queens after midnight or get them wet. They’ll end up multiplying into dick-hungry monsters.”

“Noted,” I said, smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. I looked down at the pile of papers next to the wine bottle. Maddy scooped one up. “Now that we’ve got your plans for the night sorted, do you want to help us go over some ideas for our protest?” She wiggled her eyebrows and the paper at the same time.

Flashes of my dad crossed my mind. Him sitting behind his desk, red-faced and furious at me crossing the line, picking up a sign, and becoming one of the protestors he always looked down on. And for what? His animosity toward people like Jay and Maddy only made me angrier. It made my chest hot and my lungs tighten. He didn’t deserve to be sitting on all those piles of money when people that actually cared were fighting tooth and nail to better the world.

How fucked up was that?

“Yeah,” I said loudly, “let’s figure something out.”

“Perfect,” Maddy said, rubbing her hands together. The vibe started to shift. It was like we’d suddenly fallen into the center of an art heist. No one else was around. A tiny crew that was forming some cement-strong bonds. I had a good number of friends in my life, but none of them gave me the same feelings as these two.

Besides Colt, but he was like a brother to me, so he didn’t really count.

“What were you guys thinking?” I asked, scanning one of the papers but only seeing a bunch of chicken-scratch scribbles and a few cutesy hearts shaded into the lines.

They dove into their different plans. Both of them were super enthusiastic and excited about shutting this down, and that same enthusiasm started to spread to me. I began to be pulled into their plan, thinking up different ideas that would play well on social media.

Fuck you, Dad. The thought was bitter. I didn’t like feeling this way toward my dad, but this was the kind of shit I couldn’t sit back for. It was time I made a stand.

And I was going to make it with my boyfriend. Fuck it.