Page 49 of Learning Curves

“No.” The word was out of her mouth before she’d even realized she was going to say it, before she’d had any conscious thought at all. It was an instinctive reaction, entirely unlike her, and yet she had no desire to take it back. “No, I won’t take Audrey’s class.”

Stuart sighed. “Don’t be stubborn. You’ve wanted that class for years. Now it’s yours.”

But she didn’t want it like this ... or any other way.

On the contrary, it felt like something inside her had snapped.

She was done. The realization swept over her with sudden, startling clarity.

She stood from Stuart’s guest chair. “I don’t want that class or any other class.

This semester will be my last. I quit, effective at the end of this academic year. ”

She hadn’t seen this coming, but here she was. Her academic career was over, and she had no idea how she felt about it. She’d sort that out later.

Stuart’s eyes had gone wide behind his glasses. “I offer you the class you’ve wanted for years, and your reaction is to quit? I can’t even begin to make that make sense.”

“I don’t expect you to. I haven’t quite made sense of it yet myself, but this isn’t about the Women in Art class. I’ve known for a while that my time here was coming to a close. I just didn’t know when that time would come, and now I do.”

“Michelle, I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. But you have to cut someone from the faculty, and I’ve just quit, no doubt at a much higher annual salary than whatever you were paying Audrey.

If you have any sense, you’ll hire her back to replace me.

You’ll be saving even more money, replacing a full tenured professor with an assistant professor.

The Budget Committee should be pleased. Anyway, that’s for you to decide, but this semester will be my last. Have a nice evening, Stuart. ”

And with that, she walked out of his office.

Audrey sat numbly at her desk. She was supposed to be having tea with Michelle right now, but Michelle wasn’t here.

Her office was locked, and Audrey had no idea where she was.

Audrey had gone through her day in a fog, and now, all she really wanted was to go home and have a good long cry.

Or maybe yell and scream until she’d gotten it all out.

Keeping her emotions contained all day had left her feeling like a balloon about to burst. Honestly, it would have been kinder for Stuart to tell her at the end of the day, because teaching her Women in Art class right after learning that she’d lost it? That had been torture.

When Michelle had suggested at Stuart’s party that Audrey should keep her options open, she’d taken that advice.

She’d been applying for promising tenure-track positions all year, just to hedge her bets in case this happened, but nothing had panned out.

And now she was back at square one. No job and nothing in the pipeline.

It was a helpless, demoralizing feeling.

In the hallway, she heard the distinctive click of Michelle’s heels.

Not that Michelle’s heels were unusual, but she and Audrey were the only women on this end of the hall, so heels meant Michelle.

And Michelle meant Audrey could finally talk about this with someone.

She was probably going to fall apart as soon as she saw her. Already, tears welled in her eyes.

Instead of going to her own office, Michelle walked straight into Audrey’s. She closed the door behind herself, and when she looked at Audrey, there was devastation in her eyes. God, she already knew. But how? Surely Stuart hadn’t sent out an announcement so soon.

“I’m so sorry.” Michelle crossed the room, and as Audrey rose, Michelle wrapped her in the warmth of her embrace.

“How . . . ?”

“I’ve just come from Stuart’s office.” Michelle pressed gentle kisses in Audrey’s hair. Her arms were so strong, so comforting. Silent tears rolled over Audrey’s cheeks.

“It sucks,” she whispered past the lump in her throat. “I wasn’t ready yet. I thought I had months before he’d decide, and now ...”

“I know, but let’s not talk about this here. The walls are too thin.” Michelle pulled back, using her thumbs to wipe the tears from Audrey’s cheeks. “Let’s go to your house.”

Audrey nodded. Her brain wasn’t really working anymore.

She’d held it together until she finished teaching for the day, but now .

.. she stood helplessly as Michelle shut down Audrey’s laptop and packed it into her satchel.

Michelle handed it to her, then gently rubbed beneath Audrey’s eyes, no doubt cleaning up runaway mascara.

“Come on, darling. We’ll talk about all of it in a minute, okay? But first, let’s go home.” She took charge in such a gentle way. Audrey wanted to fall into her arms and stay there forever. God, she loved this woman so much ...

She followed Michelle into the hall, then locked her office door behind them. Michelle led the way downstairs and outside, where the frigid winter air stung Audrey’s damp cheeks.

Michelle had guided her into the passenger seat of the BMW before Audrey realized what she was doing. “Wait. What about my car?”

Michelle shook her head. “I’ll sleep at yours tonight, and we can ride back together tomorrow. Who cares if anyone sees us arrive together now?”

“Fuck.” Audrey squeezed her eyes shut, thumping a fist against the upholstery. She’d really lost her job. Keeping it to herself all day had made it feel almost surreal, but now that Michelle knew ... denial slipped away, leaving only hurt.

“I know.” Michelle reached over and gave her hand a quick squeeze before she backed out of the parking spot.

“Why did Stuart tell you? Is he telling everyone?”

“No.” Michelle pressed her lips together, and there was something else on her face now, something Audrey didn’t know how to read.

“Michelle?”

“Not while I’m driving. I’ll tell you everything in a minute.”

“I don’t understand why Stuart would tell you, and only you, that he’d let me go.

Wait ... does he know about us? Is that why he fired me?

” Audrey was spiraling. The tears that had built inside her all day just kept falling, and somewhere along the way, anger had built up in her chest too.

Now it all combined to leave her feeling slightly hysterical.

“No, he doesn’t know about us.”

And that was all Michelle said until she pulled into Audrey’s driveway. She’d never been gladder that she’d rented a house so close to campus, because a longer drive might have been too much right now. And thank god she’d rented, since now she’d have to leave.

“I don’t want to leave,” she gasped as she and Michelle walked to the front door. Her hands shook so badly that Michelle took the key from her and unlocked the door, then ushered her inside. “I can’t believe this is happening. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you right before I have to leave.”

“Hey.” Michelle embraced her again, one hand rubbing up and down Audrey’s back. “We’re in this together, okay? You haven’t lost me because you’ve lost your job.”

“But I’ll have to move. I need a new job ASAP. I have no idea how I’m going to pay my student loans in the meantime.” She pulled back, trying to make sense of the chaos in her brain. “What didn’t you tell me in the car? Why were you in Stuart’s office?”

“Because he offered me the Women in Art class—”

“Oh, fuck him !” Audrey saw red, rage scorching her from head to foot. “Well, at least one of us got what she wanted today.”

Michelle reared back as if Audrey had slapped her.

“I just can’t believe this fucking day,” Audrey ranted, but now she felt ashamed. She was taking her anger out on Michelle when she’d done nothing to deserve it. “Sorry. I’m angry at Stuart, not you.”

Audrey blew out several deep, shaky breaths while Michelle watched her with big wounded eyes.

“I’m happy for you. Really. You deserve this class.

You’ve always deserved to have this class, more than I ever did.

You’ve worked so long and hard for it, and I .

.. I’m glad that you’ll get to teach it.

Plus, it’s such an important class, and I’m really glad it’ll still be on the syllabus next year after I’m gone. ”

Michelle crossed her arms over her chest. “Are you quite finished?”

“Um, yeah. I’m just ... sorry.” She was rambling, but this whole conversation had a weird undertone she wasn’t sure how to read, and despite what Michelle had said, Audrey did feel like she was losing her.

Their careers were about to send them in different directions, and Audrey couldn’t ask Michelle to uproot her life and follow her the way she’d done for Kelly. She wouldn’t .

“If you had let me finish ...” Michelle gave her a hard look, then turned and walked to the window, her back to Audrey. “I turned him down. I don’t want your class.”

“What?” Audrey shook her head. “But this was your dream for so long ... please call him back and take it. Please? I want you to have it.”

“It’s a little late for that.” Michelle turned to face her. “Because I quit.”

“Quit what?” Audrey asked stupidly because surely she didn’t mean ...

“I quit my job .” Michelle’s tone was harsh.

“This is my last semester at Northshire. I’m done.

” She swiped her hands against each other and held them out in front of herself in an “I’m done” gesture.

“They needed to cut a member of the faculty from the payroll, and now I’ve done that for them, so the sensible thing for them to do would be to hire you back—permanently this time—and that’s exactly what I told Stuart before I left his office. ”

“Wait ...” Audrey wanted to scream because what the hell was happening right now?

Michelle had quit in some misguided attempt to fall on her sword and save Audrey’s job?

“I didn’t ask you to martyr yourself for me.

What the fuck? I mean, thanks but no thanks.

I would never have asked you to do that. ”

Michelle’s nostrils flared. “I did not martyr myself. Jesus.”

“You sacrificed your job to try to save mine. What would you call it?” Audrey demanded. “Now I feel even worse than I already did, and I won’t even feel good about it if he hires me back.”

“If I sacrificed anything for you, it was when I decided to stay .” Michelle’s voice had dropped.

She looked at her hands, shoulders slumped.

“I stopped applying for jobs in the UK because I decided I could bear a few more years at Northshire if you were by my side, but without you there? No, this was the final straw. I’ve wanted to quit for a while.

You know that. I just hadn’t had the guts to actually do it.

I was afraid to quit before I had something else lined up, but I’m not afraid anymore.

I hate it here, Audrey. You know better than anyone how much I hate it!

” Her eyes flashed, and her bottom lip trembled.

“So I finally did what I’ve been wanting to do for years, and I quit. ”

Audrey opened and closed her mouth, struck speechless. For a moment, they faced each other as the air snapped with tension and hurt feelings. Audrey’s heart was about to beat out of her chest.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered finally.

Michelle just nodded, looking down at her hands again.

“What ... what will you do now?”

Michelle shrugged. She looked up, and Audrey was absolutely gobsmacked to see tears on Michelle’s cheeks.

“That’s the beauty of it, right? I don’t know what’s next, but I have a few months to work it out before I lose my NU paycheck.

I’ll keep working on my book, and I’ll see what else is out there, but honestly, I don’t think I want to teach somewhere else. My heart’s not in it anymore.”

“Oh, Michelle . . .”

They stared at each other for several long seconds.

Michelle’s expression radiated insecurity.

She’d just quit her job, a job she’d held for fifteen years, a tenured job that could have seen her through retirement, and maybe she hadn’t martyred herself for Audrey, but she’d still done it, and it was a big fucking deal.

“My whole life, I’ve toed the line,” Michelle said quietly.

“I’ve done what was expected of me. I gave NU everything I had until I got tenure, and then I kept it up because that’s what I was supposed to do.

I’ve worked hard , and what have I got to show for it, really?

I’m tired and disillusioned and disliked throughout the department. This is for the best. Honestly, it is.”

“But ... that’s so sad.” And Audrey promptly burst into tears all over again. God, she was an emotional mess today.

“It’s really not.” Michelle dropped her arms to her sides. “What was sad was me staying in a job I didn’t like.”

Audrey sat heavily on the couch, resting her head in her hands.

Her mind was a jumbled mess. She’d just been laid off from a job she loved, and Michelle had just quit a job she hated.

Where did this leave them? Was this an ending or a new beginning?

“If this is truly what you want, then I’m happy for you, but .

..” Audrey swiped furiously at her eyes.

“Right now, everything about today just makes me want to cry.”