Page 44 of Learning Curves

“I really appreciate that.” Audrey scooted her chair around the table so they were sitting side by side.

“And I want you to be happy, whatever that looks like. Maybe I’ve been in denial about it, because the idea of you leaving NU just as I’m getting started here feels so incomprehensible to me, but I do see how unhappy you are.

So, whatever you need to do to bring more joy into your life, please do it. ”

“It means a lot to hear you say that.” Honestly, Michelle couldn’t even fathom it.

No one in her life had ever supported her this way.

Her family had ridiculed her for staying in America after grad school, when teaching at Oxford or Cambridge would have been so much more prestigious.

Never mind that she’d married a woman, a fact that still got her old-fashioned parents in a twist.

And Kelly? It took Michelle entirely too many years to realize that Kelly had always put her own needs first. She and Michelle had moved to Vermont because Kelly got a job here.

She’d pressured Michelle to stay at NU until she’d gotten tenure, and once she got it?

Kelly wouldn’t hear any talk of Michelle leaving.

She’d told Michelle not to rock the boat.

Why would she risk everything by leaving a job that was essentially guaranteed for the rest of her professional life?

So, Michelle stayed. She stagnated. She endured . But now, with Audrey at her side, anything and everything felt possible.

Michelle did her best to hold on to that feeling as she wrapped up the fall semester and flew to the UK to spend the holiday with her family. But as she sat in the living room of her parents’ house on Christmas Day, it was hard to feel anything but uncomfortable.

As much as she yearned for home when she was in Vermont, now that she was in London, she was reminded that she didn’t fit in here either. Perhaps the only place she felt like she truly belonged was with Audrey.

“Tommy, take that outside before you break something,” her brother, Carl, called out as Tommy raced through the living room, chasing after his new remote control car. The car narrowly missed the Christmas tree, causing his parents to cringe, before Tommy obeyed his father and took it outside.

Michelle had enjoyed the distraction of Tommy and his car.

He was a sweet boy, full of energy that no one in this family seemed to know how to manage.

He wasn’t the source of Michelle’s current discomfort.

That was caused by the adults in the room.

Both her siblings were here with their heteronormative families, sharing life updates that met traditional expectations.

Michelle’s mother oohed and aahed over anniversaries and school performances while giving her pointed looks as if to remind her that she was forty-five, childless, and divorced.

Two of those things she was fine with. She couldn’t change her age, and she’d never wanted children.

She enjoyed doting on her niece and nephew when she was in town, but that was enough.

As for being divorced, she hadn’t planned on that, but she wasn’t exactly single anymore either. She and Audrey hadn’t discussed it yet, beyond being exclusive with each other, but was Audrey her girlfriend? Michelle’s heart said yes.

“Michelle, Oliver Braithwaite will be joining us for dinner.”

She turned toward her mother. “Oh?”

“Yes, dear.” Elizabeth Thompson regarded her over the rim of her wineglass. “It will help the table look more balanced.”

An even number of men and women at Christmas dinner. Only her mother would care about something so meaningless. Obviously, by this pointed comment, Oliver would be seated next to Michelle for the sake of appearances. She sipped her wine in lieu of a response.

“He’s single,” her mother added, as if Michelle hadn’t caught on to where this was going yet. “He leads the youth group at church. All the women are quite taken with him. A real charmer.”

Michelle’s eye twitched. Her mother was essentially setting her up with a man ... at Christmas dinner. Never mind that she’d known Michelle was a lesbian for decades now.

As if on cue, the doorbell rang. Michelle was introduced to Oliver Braithwaite, a slightly stuffy man about five years her senior.

He attempted to impress Michelle with his meager knowledge of art, which didn’t seem to extend past a fascination with Matisse and a recent visit to an interactive Van Gogh exhibit.

It was a miserable dinner, followed by more awkward conversation.

The rest of the evening promised to be just as unbearable as the family began preparing for church.

It had long been a point of contention between Michelle and her family that Kelly wouldn’t attend services at a church that refused to recognize her marriage.

Last year, Michelle had attended for the first time in many years in a bid to keep the peace with her parents.

She’d sat there, quietly fuming that everyone in that sanctimonious building seemed to find her more palatable single and miserable than happily married, simply because she’d married a woman. She’d hated every moment.

“Actually, I’m going to stay home tonight,” she told her mother quietly.

“You’re skipping church?” her mother asked unnecessarily, probably hoping that Michelle would acquiesce as she usually did when her mother forced the issue. “But it’s the Christmas service. I’ve told everyone to expect you.”

The room, which had been filled with idle chatter, silenced in an instant.

“Then you can make an excuse for my absence. Tell them I’m feeling poorly.” It wasn’t even a lie. Michelle had gotten her period yesterday, and she was crampy and irritable, not that it would have stopped her from attending church if it were somewhere she’d wanted to be.

Her mother’s lips pursed. “Why must you always be so difficult? The Christmas service is a time to see and be seen. Oliver—”

“Mother,” Michelle interrupted. “Please let it go. I’m not going to change my mind.”

With a huff, her mother sipped from her wine. “Fine, but you’ve disappointed me greatly, Michelle. I want you to know that.”

Michelle flinched, wishing her mother’s words no longer had the power to hurt her. Despite her mother’s homophobia, she would never bring unflattering attention to the family by publicly disowning Michelle. Instead, it was all these little moments, death by a thousand cuts.

The conversation shifted as everyone finished getting ready.

The children washed up and changed into their nicest clothes, and most of the adults rushed to have one more drink before they left.

Michelle’s father came down from his study, where he’d been drinking whisky since dinner because he couldn’t stand to be in the same room with his wife.

They hated each other, and yet their marriage was held up as some sort of pillar of propriety because of their genders.

Usually, Michelle did her best to grin and bear it, but tonight the hypocrisy made her furious. She remembered how Audrey had questioned why she came here at all when her family treated her like this. Perhaps this would be the last year she spent Christmas in a house where she wasn’t truly welcome.

Once they had gone, Michelle poured herself a glass of her father’s best whisky and retreated to her room, where she sent Audrey a quick text. Merry Christmas. Hope you’re enjoying the day with your family.

To her surprise, her phone immediately began to ring.

“Hi,” she answered as her chest filled with a warmth she hadn’t felt since she left Vermont two days ago.

“Merry Christmas,” Audrey said in her ear. “How’s your day been? It’s almost over where you are, isn’t it?”

“Yes. My family just left for church, so I’ve got the house to myself for a few hours.”

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Audrey asked in a teasing tone. Michelle could hear laughter and conversation in the background, the sounds of a happy holiday.

“Good, at least until they get home. My mother wasn’t pleased that I wouldn’t go with them.”

“Why didn’t you? Is their church super homophobic?”

“Got it in one.” Michelle tried to keep her tone lighter than she felt.

“It’s been a sore point between us for a while.

Kelly and I always refused, but last year, I gave in and went, since I was alone.

It was a mistake. So tonight, here I am.

Tell me about your day. I’m sure it’s been better than mine. ”

“I’m sure it has, although I’m sorry that’s the case,” Audrey said. “We started the morning with my dad’s homemade cinnamon rolls, which are amazing , and then we opened presents. We were in the middle of watching Elf when you texted, and I couldn’t wait another moment to hear your voice.”

Michelle touched her cheek, surprised to realize she was smiling. It might’ve been the first time she’d smiled all day. “I’m very glad to hear your voice, too, although I’m sorry for taking you away from your movie.”

“ Pfft , I’ve seen it a dozen times. No worries.” She sounded so light, so carefree, and Michelle’s chest actually ached with the need to see her.

“Audrey ...” Michelle pressed a hand to her heart, caught off guard by the strength of her yearning.

“Yeah?”

“I just ... I miss you, that’s all.”

“I miss you too,” Audrey said, sounding unexpectedly serious. “I wish you were here, especially after what you’ve told me about your family. You deserve a holiday full of love and laughter too.”

“It sounds really nice.” And now she was getting choked up.

What was the matter with her? She and Audrey had only been sleeping together for a few weeks!

It was too soon for these feelings, way too soon.

“I’m actually going to be here in the UK a little longer than planned, but perhaps we can share some of that holiday cheer once we’re both back in Vermont. ”

“Definitely. But why are you staying longer?”

“Well, as you know, I’m spending tomorrow with Kate, but then I was able to arrange a meeting with Daniel, Eliza St. Claire’s great-grandson, before I fly home.”

“Oh, I can’t wait to hear how that goes. Once you’re back, come over to my house, and we can open presents in front of the Christmas tree.” Audrey had already teased Michelle for not decorating her own house, but right now, the idea of sitting with her in front of a Christmas tree felt perfect.

“That sounds nice.”

“Good.” Audrey paused. “Will Muse be lonely, though?”

“Hardly. She’s probably having the time of her life without me this week.”

“I doubt that. I bet you’re both feeling lonely right now, and that hurts my heart.”

Michelle blinked the dampness from her eyes. “I’m not lonely at this exact moment.”

“I’m glad,” Audrey said quietly. “And I’ll be celebrating with you in person before you know it.”

“I’m counting down the days.”