Page 31 of Learning Curves

“Good idea.” Michelle almost never used her grill, but maybe she should. Grilled salmon and a salad sounded like a meal she’d enjoy making for herself.

“I figured we probably already had enough wine. Sparkling water to go with dinner?”

“Yes,” Michelle agreed.

Audrey poured two cans into glasses and handed one to Michelle. “It’s a little chilly out tonight, so we’ll eat inside.”

“All right.”

Audrey glanced at her. “We haven’t talked about music much yet, but have you heard Eden Sands’s new album?”

Michelle cleared her throat, thrown by the subject change. “No.”

“It’s fantastic, her best yet by far. You should give it a listen.”

Audrey kept making idle conversation as she prepared their dinner, and Michelle mostly listened, occasionally chiming in.

Audrey was obviously trying to get them back onto solid ground, and to her credit, it seemed to be working.

Michelle had been about to go straight home and catastrophize, but here was Audrey, gently guiding them back into smoother waters.

Michelle had been so sure she’d ruined everything. She always ruined things. Was it actually possible that she and Audrey could still be friends?

Why was everything so much easier with Audrey than it was with everyone else in Michelle’s life?

With Audrey, she felt ... seen. Appreciated.

Comfortable in a way she rarely felt. It made her yearn for a relationship that could never happen.

The idea of being with someone who got her so effortlessly . .. it was breathtaking.

And impossible.

Once they were seated at Audrey’s kitchen table with plates of delicious-looking food, she finally started the conversation Michelle had been dreading. “Okay. Time to talk about that kiss, and I meant what I said upstairs ... no regrets, at least not on my part.”

“I have some regrets,” Michelle admitted, but when she saw the disappointment on Audrey’s face, she felt the need to clarify.

“Not because I didn’t enjoy it. Obviously, I did.

I just ... I value your friendship too much to risk it over a kiss.

And I know it’s irrelevant now, but I can’t stop thinking about how you were my student. ”

Audrey looked mildly offended. “I can’t believe that’s your objection to kissing me. I’m worried about our current positions, and you’re stuck in the past.”

Michelle took a drink of her water. “Let me explain, then. When I was a new professor starting out—when I was your age , Audrey—I was propositioned by several older men in the department, men who made me feel intensely uncomfortable, sometimes even unsafe, so yes, I worry that perhaps, by kissing you, I’m no better than they are. ”

“Okay, first of all, I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Audrey sounded outraged. “That’s sexual harassment, and I wish they’d been punished for it, but I’m sure they weren’t.”

“I never even reported most of it,” Michelle murmured, looking down at her plate. “I was young and untenured and didn’t want to make a fuss.”

“Which is horrible and sad and totally understandable. But, Michelle, you must know you’re nothing like those men. Everything that happened here tonight was perfectly consensual. I mean, first of all, I started it.”

Michelle’s cheeks flushed as she remembered the way Audrey had finger painted on her hands and arms. “Yes, you did. I’m just telling you how I feel.”

“And I appreciate that,” Audrey said.

“You said you were worried about our current positions, but there are HR forms we could fill out to negate any problems. Other professors have dated within the department, and it was never an issue.” Michelle fiddled with her plate.

She’d intended to let Audrey lead, and now—if the apologetic look on Audrey’s face was any indication—Michelle had overplayed her hand and come off sounding overeager and ridiculous.

Of course, Audrey didn’t want to date her.

The kiss had been unplanned and ill advised, and Michelle should have kept her damn mouth shut.

“It’s a bit more complicated than that for me, unfortunately,” Audrey said, sounding more apologetic than ever. “My position at NU is temporary. I’m not even tenure track yet. All Stuart needs is the smallest reason to be rid of me, and I’m gone at the end of this academic year.”

“He’d be a fool to let you go with how much everyone’s loving your classes, but ... he is a fool sometimes, so you make a valid point.”

Audrey sighed. “I like you a lot. If I had more job security, I’d be begging for the chance to kiss you again.”

Michelle’s breath hitched, and she nearly choked on her bite of salmon. “You would?”

“God, yes. But right now, I have to focus on my career.”

Michelle had no reason to feel devastated about that, but she did. Her emotions felt raw and messy and dangerously close to the surface. “It’s for the best,” she heard herself saying. “I’m not looking for a relationship, either, after my divorce. I’ve made peace with the single life.”

Audrey’s eyes widened. “Forever?”

“Well, yes. I can’t see myself going through the nightmare of dating again.

And these days, you need an app? No, thank you.

Marriage wasn’t all that great the first time.

I’m much happier living alone.” She ignored the tug of longing for what it might have been like to date Audrey, because it could never happen.

But maybe—if Audrey was successful at resetting their friendship—she could keep the memory of that kiss as a happy one.

That was so much more than Michelle thought she had a few minutes ago.

“That’s so sad.” Audrey reached across the table and touched Michelle’s hand. “Just because your first marriage wasn’t great doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have better luck the second time.”

“Doesn’t it? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not the easiest person to get along with.

I don’t have many friends. There aren’t many people I even enjoy spending time with.

” Except you , she wanted to add. She always enjoyed being with Audrey, which made it all the more heartbreaking that she couldn’t date her, but at least she appreciated now why Audrey wanted to have this conversation.

Preserving their friendship was essential.

“I think you could find more friends, if you wanted to,” Audrey said.

There might be some truth in that ... because Michelle wasn’t sure she did want to. Most of the time she liked being alone. Except when she was with Audrey.

“For now, I’d very much like to have you as a friend.” Michelle felt oddly vulnerable saying it out loud, but she forced herself to meet Audrey’s eyes.

Audrey stood and walked around the table, then pulled Michelle into an impromptu hug. “Same. Your friendship has really meant a lot to me this year.”

Michelle gave her a quick squeeze and then extracted herself from Audrey’s arms because any contact between them tonight felt dangerous. Her body was a lit fuse, and the slightest touch from Audrey might ignite all the passion she was trying so hard to suppress.

As they retook their seats, Audrey looked as composed as ever. Maybe that kiss had been a spur-of-the-moment thing for her, and now it was over. Michelle, by contrast, felt rocked to her core now that she remembered what real passion felt like, the excitement, the electricity ...

The prospect of living the rest of her life alone had felt so much easier when she’d forgotten how that felt.