Page 16 of Knot Going Down (OlympicVerse #3)

EMILY

A va’s been asleep for hours, but I can’t seem to turn off my brain. I need fresh air, space, and quiet. It’s not difficult to slip out of the humongous bed without waking her up. All five of us could comfortably sleep here if we wanted. If we were a real pack.

Something pings in my chest, a skip of my heart accompanied by a drop of my stomach. All I ever wanted when I was little was a pack. A big family to love. Right now, late at night, I let myself wonder what it would be like if I was an omega and these three men wanted me.

As I tiptoe downstairs, I have to force myself to put aside those daydreams.

Knox is my past. Declan is nothing but a present moment. Lucas… as a beta, Lucas could be my future. If he didn’t live in another country.

I nearly trip on Declan as I sneak through the living room toward the balcony. It’s too dark to see much of anything. Thankfully, he made a noise just as I got close, and I sidestepped around his makeshift bed on the floor.

I thought for sure our pack alpha would be on the couch, but through the dim light it looks like Lucas claimed the sofa.

Maybe the boys settled sleeping arrangements by rounds of Rock, Paper, Scissors, or maybe Declan wanted the floor because of some police training reason. Who knows. But no sign of Knox.

Gunner gives a rumbled snore from where he’s sprawled beside the sliding glass door, stirring as I pass.

When I pull back the curtain and slide open the door, I’m met with a sight that makes my heart lurch.

Knox is working a rosary through his fingers, balanced precariously on top of the railing, one leg on either side, with nothing but the sea below.

We’re still close enough to land that there’s light far off in the distance, like twinkling stars at the horizon.

But if he went overboard it would be way too far to swim.

“What are you doing up there?” I hiss, grabbing his arm to pull him back onto this side of the balcony. “You could fall!”

He shrugs, not letting me move him. “I’m fine, Ly.”

The nickname feels like an old hoodie that I should have outgrown, but it’s worn in perfectly.

He’s the only one who’s ever called me that.

He said Em was what everyone else used, and he wanted something that was just his.

So he claimed the end of my name instead.

Ly said like Lee. It’s only ever been his.

“Seriously, what are you doing out here?” I wrap my arms around my body. It’s been hot during the day, but at night, out here on the water, it’s chillier than I expected.

“Thinking.”

“You sure you’re not brooding?”

He smirks. “I don’t brood.”

“Pining? Sulking? Counting dolphins?” It’s always been easy for me to talk to Knox.

With most people I feel self-conscious, awkward.

I put on a bubbly smile, play the happy-go-lucky girl-next-door, but with Knox there’s never been an act.

He’s always had a way of putting me at ease, making me comfortable, relaxed, able to banter like I do with no one else but Meggie.

He glances at me, barely a flick of the eyes. “There’re no dolphins.”

“Well, maybe if you look hard enough, you’ll see a topless mermaid.”

Knox chuckles—just enough to make my chest ache.

Silence stretches between us, but it’s not heavy. Not uncomfortable. Just… there. I lean against the railing next to him, and he joins me. I breathe a little easier once his feet are on the ground.

“So,” he says, nudging me with his shoulder, “are you gonna tell Declan we dated?”

I pull my cardigan a little tighter around my body. “Maybe you and I should talk about it first.”

He raises an eyebrow. “We’ve talked about it.”

“Have we, though? I feel like we just… stopped. And then decided we were cool again when you started helping Meggie. Which, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we’re cool and grateful for the way you took care of her. But also, I think I deserve the What Went Wrong Post-mortem. For closure. Or gossip.”

We only dated for six months junior year of high school. It was right before I met Meggie. Years before she designated as an omega.

Knox and I started to drift apart once he designated.

Yeah, back then, I still hoped I’d end up an omega, but I was responsible enough to know I shouldn’t let myself get too attached to an unbonded alpha.

Maybe he felt the same, because he started to pull away too.

Then he stood me up at prom, and I couldn’t look past that hurt.

Standing there in my sparkly dress and curled hair, and he never showed.

After that, I had a recurring dream about perfuming, and Knox losing his shit over my scent, biting me right then and there. But I knew it was nothing more than a fantasy.

That seems like a long time ago now, but also like just yesterday. I never stopped wondering what happened to us, why he pulled away. If it was really the alpha thing or if it was something more.

Was it because I wasn’t as social as him? Or that I tend to panic and need so much reassurance? Was I too positive? Too negative? Was it the way I talked or walked or dressed? Was I not funny enough or smart enough?

Was it the sex?

We only did it once, a fumbling, uncertain moment of lust that went farther than I think either of us intended. It was my first time, and his too, and it was special to me. But maybe it wasn’t special to him.

He turns his head toward me, and there’s this amused glint in his eyes. “You want a breakup recap? Like a movie commentary?”

“Exactly.” I take a deep breath. Maybe this will be the closure I need.

“I want director’s notes. I want deleted scenes.

I want behind-the-scenes footage of Knox silently freaking out because I dropped my sparkly body spray and the bottle broke and then the glittery passenger seat carpet forever smelled of value size Twinkle Daze. ”

He snorts. “That was intentional sabotage.”

“It was Twinkle Daze .”

He looks down at his hands, drumming his fingers on the balcony railing before settling them around the metal. “I think we broke up because we were too different.”

“That’s the line you’re going with? That’s all you’re giving me?”

“I’m serious.” His voice is quieter now. “You were like sunlight. You wanted things loud and colorful and full of life. And I was…” He shrugs. “Not.”

I sit with that for a second, the half-truth he’s probably giving me, letting the weight of it settle between us.

Because on the outside, I was all of those things.

But the inside wasn’t always so sunny. Maybe I wasn’t as much myself with Knox as I always thought I was.

High school was when I had my first panic attack.

But I didn’t let Knox see that. I didn’t let anyone see.

Even to this day, I can count on one hand the number of people who’ve seen me like that. Two of them are in this suite.

Ava caught me mid-panic attack at an event once when Meggie and none of my other emotional support people were there. It was weird having The Wicked Witch of The Pool coach me through deep breaths to calm down.

I really hate that we used to call Ava that.

And Lucas caught me spiraling at the closing ceremonies, carrying me out of the concert like I was something precious.

Knox hasn’t ever seen me in full breakdown. But somehow the idea of him seeing me in a complete panic doesn’t make me feel like everything is crushing in around me. I think he could handle it.

“Maybe that’s why I liked you,” I say softly. “You were… safe. Solid. The kind of person who makes things feel easy when the world is spinning too fast.”

“I’m not safe , Ly. I’m currently in custody for illegal pharmaceutical sales, baby cake.”

“But you were good to me,” I add, remembering the way he’d bring me a chocolate chip muffin before first period because he knew I rushed out the door and forgot to eat half the time.

He’d drive me home after school and walk me to my porch like he didn’t want our time together to end.

And one time he bought ten tins of overpriced caramel popcorn when my fundraiser for the diving team was a bust. Holding the railing, I lean back, staring out at the slowly vanishing coast. “It was real, wasn’t it? ”

“Yeah.” He nods slowly. “We were something. We were to me, anyway.” He smiles, all soft around the edges. “You were the first person who made me feel something I didn’t want to bury.”

We sit in the quiet again, and when I feel his pinky brush against mine, I don’t pull away.

“I missed you, Ly.”

“I missed you, too.”

“So, you gonna leave Mr. DEA for me?” His bright smile and eyebrow wiggle lightens the mood, and I can’t help but laugh.

“You don’t really want that. Nothing’s changed, Knox. You’re still an unbonded alpha without an omega, and I’m still just a beta.”

Declan is an unbonded alpha, too, I silently remind myself.

“You’re a lot more than just a beta.” His pinky intentionally strokes over mine once before returning to the rail.

My shrug feels heavy, but I put on a wide smile. “So, you and Declan were awfully cozy in the stairwell earlier. Looking to pack up, schnookums?”

He laughs. “Yeah, right, that guy has a stick so far up his ass nothing else could fit in there.”

I gasp, then gape at him, shocked he’d say something like that so easily.

Cheeks burning, all I can think about is Knox’s…

penis… in Declan’s… Not what I should be thinking about!

Nope, no. But why does the idea of watching the two of them have my thighs clenching and my heart beating a little faster.

Knox hip checks me. “Still my innocent little Ly.”

“I’m not innocent.” I pull back my shoulders and stomp my foot.

He raises an eyebrow.

“I’m not!” Not technically. But only because of him. I haven’t been with anyone else in that way. Maybe us breaking up so soon after having sex messed with my head more than I thought. Maybe it’s time to rectify that. I bet Declan—or Lucas even—would be more than happy to help.

For some reason my mind goes to Ava. She seems like she’s a lot more experienced than I am. Maybe she’d teach me a thing or two.

I don’t like the idea of Knox thinking I’m naive and inexperienced. It shouldn’t matter to me, but it makes my palms sweat and my skin itch.

He must see it on my face, because he leans in closer and wraps an arm around me, pulling me into his side.

“I like you innocent,” he whispers right into my ear. “I like the idea of corrupting you. Maybe I’ll make that my new mission this week.”

He steps away and goes back inside before I can gather my thoughts, leaving me frozen in place, questioning whether I want what he seems to be offering or not.