Page 76 of Kneeling for Them

He shrugs.“Just saying, you could ease up a little bit, with his help.Hell, you could probably quit everything and do whatever the hell you want.”

“Go home,” I say.“I’m leaving, and so should you.”

I walk past him, down the steps, and to the bus stop.Thankfully, he doesn’t follow me.

Sebastian

I shouldn’t have much to pack because I came here on a whim, but Schrödinger has enough gear for both of us.The cat tree I had rush-delivered so he’d stop tearing apart the sofas, a twenty-pound bag of cat food, his litter box, the litter, the scooper, and a cat carrier…with Schrödinger inside of it.

I peer in through the mesh panel of the carrier.“Sorry, big guy.But if you stay here, no one will be around to feed you.”

He hisses.

Fair enough.

I can’t wait to see what he does when I take him to his vet appointment later this week.

For some reason, caring for this ungrateful beast has helped take my focus off of my own shitty problems.But even before that, King showing up and telling me that Ella hasn’t completely written me off—well, that gave me more hope than anything else.I can get through anything if Ella’s at my side.

And if she’s okay with it, I’m going to go public with my story.It’s a cautionary tale not only for people who could be harmed, but for people like me, who get out of control and do the harming.What if I hadn’t gotten clean?What if my addiction ruled me?Compared to others in Alcoholics Anonymous, my battle with addiction has been laughably easy.I see others struggling, and I don’t know how I got so lucky.

I turn on some music while I drive, pointed in the direction of San Esteban.I’m ready to face my past so I can fix my future.

Schrödinger wails the entire way, earsplitting music of his own.

Eighteen

Sebastian

It takes me longer than I’d like to get Schrödinger settled into my place.He seems to take the new digs in stride, though, and by the time I’ve wrestled his cat tree into a spot by the windows and tucked his litter box into one of the bathrooms, he’s striding around like he personally bought and paid for this penthouse.

I text King, telling him I’m back in town.I add,Is Ella at the pub tonight?

He writes back that she is, so we agree to get there at nine, near the end of her shift.

I spend the afternoon and evening bouncing between various projects.I read Ella’s texts again and again, allowing myself to really pay attention to her words.She said numerous times that she missed me and wanted me to come home.Why couldn’t I believe her?

Kingston said something this morning about how I’ve been unable to believe anyone could forgive me for that night.

But what I did was unforgivable.

Wasn’t it?

I think it’s unforgivable.

I clean up my notebooks because Schrödinger seems to have a paper fetish, which I discover when I find him chewing and shredding a page with a particularly horrible attempt at lyrics.

“Everyone’s a critic,” I say, easing the paper away from him, earning only a minor scratch in retaliation.

Maybe what it comes down to, with moving forward, is that I don’t deserve forgiveness, but Ella and King forgive me, anyway.Trina said the woman I attacked does not ever want to hear from me, so I can’t ask for her forgiveness.If I could make amends in some other way—money, a grand gesture, whatever the hell she wants or needs, I would do it.But since I can’t, maybe I’ll try to put it behind me.

And one way I can do that is by announcing to the public what happened.

It would invite a media shitstorm, and affect more than just me.So I have to proceed with care.

King picks me up.His driver, Garth, has the car idling outside my building promptly at eight forty-five.I slide into the back seat across from Kingston and immediately say, “If she has me thrown out of the pub, I’m kicking your ass.”

He snorts.“You mean you’dtryto kick my ass.”